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Messages - PortValeChris

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 12
1
Jokes / Terrible joke
« on: November 14, 2007, 02:01:40 PM »
A man joins an order of monks that had a vow of almost complete silence, that is, they were allowed to say two words every ten years.  Afterr ten years the man went in to see his boss monk.  The Boss monk said "What two words would you like to say?"  the man said "Bed broken"

Ten years later he went into see the boss monk again.  "What two words would you like to say this time?" The man replied "Still broken"

Ten years later the man went into see the boss monk "What two words would you like to say?"

The man replied "I'm quitting"

"Thank Christ for that" said the boss monk "You've done nowt but complain since you've been here"


Sorry about that.  You can shoot me if you want and I wouldn't blame you.   

2
Jokes / Here's one for you truckers/ long distance lorry drivers
« on: November 01, 2007, 04:17:11 PM »
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!

The Madam is astonished. But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.

The trucker replies: Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick.


Once again, sorry if it's been told before.
__________________

3
Jokes / Another one from merry old england
« on: November 01, 2007, 04:15:51 PM »
There was once a man who loved tractors.  In fact he loved them so much he had one in every room in his house!
One day he proposed to his very understanding girlfriend, who ageed, provided he got rid of his beloved tractors.
He reluctantly agreed, they got married and went on honeymoon.  Whilst away they went into a very smokey bar and not wanting his new wife to be breathing in all this smoke he took in one big breath, walked outside and released all the smoke into the air.
An onlooker watched in amazement,went up to the man and asked him how he had managed to do such a thing.
Oh, it was easy said the man, I'm an ex tractor fan

4
Jokes / Hello all you good Trinis. Heres a joke from Merry England
« on: November 01, 2007, 04:13:26 PM »
A man goes out shooting.  Very soon he spots a deer, takes aim and shoots it.  Eventually he takes it home,chops it up and cooks some of it.  Later, when his family are sitting around the table he brings in the dinner plates.  One of his young children points at the meat and asks "What's that?" His father replies "I'll give you a clue, thinks of something that your mather calls me"
The son thinks and then pulls his face and says " I'm not eating arsehole"


SORRY IF IT'S BEEN TOLD BEFORE

5
Jokes / Re: Ask a question ah day
« on: August 18, 2007, 07:27:35 AM »
Why is it that John Wayne can get into a punch up with a load of tough  cowboys without feeling pain from all the punches yet when a pretty little woman starts to tend to his cuts and bruises he winces?

6
Jokes / Re: Old Rooster
« on: February 08, 2007, 05:02:11 PM »
It may be old but it's the first time I've heard it.   :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

7
Jokes / Re: Romantic West Indian Poem - Just in time for Valentine's
« on: February 06, 2007, 01:09:19 AM »
 :rotfl: :rotfl: luv it

8
Jokes / The latest Trini Technology
« on: January 26, 2007, 01:26:51 AM »
If it's been told before then please ignore it. 


An american, a Japanese and a Trini were in a sauna together when there was the sound of a beep beep beep.  The Japanese man then rubbed his wrist and put his finger in his ear.  After a few minutes he took it out again.  The Trini said, 'What was that?  The Japanese man said that it was the latest Japanese technology he had a pager implanted in his finger tip so that when it goes of he rubs his wrist which starts the message and in my finger is the speaker." 

A few minutes later another sound, this time the sound of a telephone ringing.  The Yank then presses his knee then puts his thumb to his ear and his little finger to his mouth, then he started speaking.  Ten minutes later the Trini said "What's that?"  The Yank said that it was the latest american technology.  I have an ear piece in my thumb and a mic in my little finger and a lttle chip in my knee so that when someone wants to call me I press my knee and that answers the call and I can speak to them through my hand" 

The Japanese man and the Yank by this time are looking down on this Trini man.  He, meanwhile has an idea.  He excuses himself for a few minutes and leaves the sauna.  Two minutes later he returns and sits down in silence.  Five minutes later the Trini stands up and bends over to pick his towel up.  The Yank see some toilet paper sticking out of the Trinis ass.  "What's that?" He said.  The Trinis turns around and said " The Latest Trini technology,  I have a fax machine implanted in me....."

9
Jokes / I've been away for a while.
« on: January 25, 2007, 12:38:49 AM »
Good to be back.  This has probably been posted about 6 times on this site but never mind.

Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade specially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Geography of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

10
Jokes / Re: Job applicant
« on: November 26, 2006, 03:01:00 PM »
I will have to remember to say to my daughters that if Truetrini sends an application form for a secretary to them they should throw it away.  :rotfl:

11
Jokes / Re: Cheerleaders Gone Wild
« on: November 17, 2006, 09:57:23 AM »
They have attempted on a few occasions to bring in cheer leaders to football grounds in britain but they've been short lived.  Perhaps the girls didn't like what was being shouted at them by a few thousand lads, words such as "Get yer tits out for the lads" etc etc etc and "get yer lipstick round my dip stick" etc etc

12
Jokes / Re: Rumours
« on: November 17, 2006, 09:50:15 AM »
I got it.. :rotfl:

13
Jokes / Re: An Affair
« on: November 13, 2006, 04:23:32 PM »
I like it  :rotfl: :rotfl:

14
Jokes / Re: homeless woman
« on: November 05, 2006, 09:42:06 AM »
So that's what's wrong with my wife.  Well I never would have guessed.  ;D ;D

15
Jokes / Humour from the Edinburgh Fringe
« on: November 01, 2006, 05:15:21 PM »
'I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.'
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

'Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.'
Jimmy Carr

'The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to Arm bears.'
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

'My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.'
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

'The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.'
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

'My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.'
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

'Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind People were given pointed sticks?'
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

'My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.'
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

'You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
Because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

'I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
the Girl out of Cork...........'
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

'Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.'
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

'Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be
Both a winner and a loser at the same time.'
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

'A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

'Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.'
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

'It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.'
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

'I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm
not very good at it.'
Arnold Brown at The Stand

'If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.'
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

16
Jokes / Re: Barbiturate
« on: November 01, 2006, 04:55:13 PM »
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh  some one kill me quick. :rotfl:

17
Jokes / The All Blacks New Zealand Rugby Team doing the Haka
« on: October 27, 2006, 12:07:20 PM »

18
Jokes / Re: trini woman for u
« on: October 26, 2006, 01:56:17 PM »
Not just a trini woman.  :(   Unless my wife has trini ancestors  :rotfl:

19
Jokes / Re: Ali G
« on: October 23, 2006, 02:07:42 PM »
I've not seen Ali G for a few years now.  It's good to see him again.  I remember on his show he interviewed a left wing politician called Tony Benn and by the end of the interview Tony was almost in a rage.  It was so hilarious.  It was only later that Tony Benn realise that it was a wind up.


20
Jokes / Does anyone know the end of this joke?
« on: October 22, 2006, 09:15:55 AM »
A married couple both aged 62 were sitting down watching the television when there was a small flash of light and a fairy appeared.  'I grant you one wish each' said the fairy

The old lady wished that she and her husband could see the world.  The fairy flicked her wand and woosh there appeared two tickets for a world cruise.

'And now your wish' said the fairy to the old man

He looked at his wife and said 'I'm sorry dear' then he turned to the fairy and  said 'I would like a wife who is 30 years younger than me'

The fairy flicked her wand and woosh the old man became 92.

The moral of this story is...    erm  I've forgotten it but it's something about the fairy being female and something else.

Port Vale lost again yesterday and it's affected my joke telling.

21
Jokes / Re: Island Life...One month later
« on: October 12, 2006, 10:53:56 AM »
hilarious

22
Jokes / Virgin
« on: October 05, 2006, 01:01:22 PM »
In a tiny village on the coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request.

For days, he agonised over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed, duly engraved, and read :

RETURNED UNOPENED

23
Jokes / Re: Catholic parrots
« on: October 05, 2006, 12:54:14 PM »
You can put it any where you like my friend

24
Jokes / Catholic parrots
« on: October 05, 2006, 10:51:09 AM »
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have 2 female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing.”

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say "Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know" he said "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your 2 parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Jacob and Aaron. My parrots can then teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you" the woman responded "this may very well be the solution."

The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in she saw that his 2 male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Getting over the shock of it all one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away Jacob, our prayers have been answered!"

25
Jokes / Re: different dating cultures!
« on: October 02, 2006, 02:13:03 PM »
Very good  :rotfl:

26
Jokes / Re: Underwear
« on: October 02, 2006, 02:12:04 PM »
My wife's a 'sweaty sock'  She'll love that,  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

27
Jokes / don't read this joke, it's awful
« on: September 29, 2006, 01:52:05 PM »
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

28
Jokes / My name's Bond.............
« on: September 22, 2006, 12:18:31 PM »
 A lad who fancies himself goes to a night club and looks around the dance floor to find the most prettiest girl.  He sees one then he walks over to her and says
' Hello, my name's Bond'
'James Bond?' she replied exitedly
'No, Uni Bond, I want to fill your crack'


I am hoping that you have this product in Trinidad otherwise this joke aint funny

30
Jokes / Re: Sometimes is best to say NUTTING
« on: September 19, 2006, 10:49:27 PM »
That's what I said to my wife once a few years back.  She is now in prison and I'm still recovering :rotfl:

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