> Rules of pooing at work and in public
>
> As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
> the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing
> at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
> a dump at work.
>
> CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly
> around the office so the smell is not in your area
> and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
> where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do
> not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk
> an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
> your pants.
>
> FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before
> pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there
> are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
> again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
> People may become suspicious if they catch you
> constantly going into the bathroom.
>
> ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak
> at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is
> usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
> embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
> acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
> are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
> pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
> escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
> Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
> uneasy.
>
> JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip
> out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side
> effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
> happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until
> everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the
> awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
> COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the
> instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the
> amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the
> bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
> the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the
> sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the
> bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
> someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
> best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can
> be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
> OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at
> work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out
> Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
> newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
> look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
> Pooer before entering the bathroom.
>
> THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of
> co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
> pooing goes off without incident. This group can
> help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The
> Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
> SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
> the building where you can least expect visitors.
> Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
> sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your
> sex entering the bathroom.
>
> TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that
> you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door
> open. This is one of the most shocking and
> vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo
> at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until
> the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
> uncomfortable eye contact.
>
> CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new
> entrants into the bathroom that you are in a
> cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
> or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
> when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>
> ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
> potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
> cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle
> is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
> bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
>
> WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when
> hitting the toilet water. This is also an
> embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
> HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a
> series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
> accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
> with an Astaire.
>
> UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger
> around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time
> in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
> Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
> crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the
> bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
> other bathroom attendees.
