Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens".
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Sufism: The wise man never notices shit happening.
Solipsism: Shit happens because I wish it.
Mysticism: Just experience shit happening.
Asceticism: If shit happens, renounce it.
Agnosticism: Nobody knows why shit happens.
Gnosticism: I know why shit happens but won't tell you.
Atheism: Shit just happens and that's all there is to it.
Cartesianism: Shit happens to me, therefore I exist.
Platonism: There is ideal shit happening somewhere.
Stoicism: I don't care if shit happens.
Epicureanism: Let's party while shit doesn't happen.
Cynicism: Yes, of course shit happens.
Occultism: Shit materializes from other planes of existence.
Terrorism: Shit will happen unless you do as I say.
Pollyanaism: It's so nice that shit happens!
Puritanism: S** can happen all day as long as you don't call it that.
Behaviorism: You are conditioned to having shit happen.
Freudianism: If shit happens, it's your mother's fault.
Parapsychology: Shit happens without material causes.
Surrealism: Purple shit happens near melting clocks.
Cubism: If shit happens, you won't recognize it.
Cultural relativism: Shit happens everywhere differently.
Optimism: If shit happens, let's find a way to use it.
Pessimism: If shit happens, there won't be enough for everybody.
Tabloid Sensationalism: Green Shit from Mars Happens to Elvis Clone!
Biblical Creationism: Shit happens because God created it.
Secular Humanism: Shit happens because it evolved from primordial shit.
Scientific Reductionism: If shit happens, find out what kind exactly.
Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in given cases.
Bureaucracy: I don't care if shit happens as long as you fill out the forms.
Feminism: Women demand to have shit happen to them also.
Ecology: As long as the shit is organic, it's OK.
Capitalism: How can we profit from shit happening?
Socialism: If shit happens, we must distribute it equally.
Conservatism: They don't make even shit happen like they used to.
Patriotism: Our shit is better than your shit.
Classical Physics: Shit does not 'happen', it just moves around.
Quantum Physics: Shit happens but you can't say both where and when.
Holistic Physics: If shit happens, it happens everywhere at once.
Microcomputing: If shit happens, we'll fix it in the next version.
Computer Science: All shit can, in principle, happen on a Turing Machine.
Applied Mathematics: The probability of shit happening approaches unity.
Engineering: When shit happens, just paint it over.
Medicine: If shit happens, take two aspirins and call me in the morning.
Economics: Shit happens because there is a demand for it.
Diplomacy: Let's pretend shit doesn't happen.
Politics: If shit happens, make a deal with it.
