April 24, 2019, 04:05:06 AM

Author Topic: Top tips from england  (Read 797 times)

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Offline PortValeChris

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Top tips from england
« on: December 23, 2005, 05:22:13 PM »
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to clean the house after you've been banged.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it

AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.

MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.

ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

John Wayne. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman

Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.

POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.

AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.

OLD people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.


LADIES When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.

US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like shit. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.




PortValeChris  AKA The Former TVV from onevalefan. 

Port Vale  We want ah goal!!


To market, to market, with my uncle Jim
Somebody threw a tomato at him
Now, Tomatoes don't hurt with their soft juicy skin
But this one it knackered, 'cause it come in a tin