Topics

121

Jokes / Bodybuilder and a blonde

« on: December 17, 2005, 05:03:35 AM »

body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

122

Football / Birchall scores for Vale

« on: December 13, 2005, 02:10:37 PM »

Vale have just taken the lead against Bristol Rovers in the cup replay courtesy of Me Mum.  Get in there!!!!

123

Jokes / Warning to all men.

« on: December 06, 2005, 04:18:12 PM »

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "football grounds" in the yellow pages.



(See you all from next monday as I'm off to Spain tomorrow)

124

Jokes / One for the girls. (and some good news on the english joke front)

« on: December 06, 2005, 11:45:51 AM »

Firstly the good news.  I'm going away to the spanish country for a few days so you trinis won't have to suffer my jokes untill next week.

So here is one before I go.  (It's only funny if you are a woman)

Dear wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your
54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you

as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with

my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".


When the man come home, he found the following letter on the dining
room table............

"My Dear Husband,

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your
secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in
the same situation although with one small difference.

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will
not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.................

125

Jokes / A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law

« on: December 04, 2005, 09:56:19 AM »

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on holiday to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

126

Football / BBC sports personality of the year award

« on: December 03, 2005, 12:55:01 PM »

Every on on onevalefan is voting for Chris Birchall.  It would be funny and fantastic if Birchie was nominated mainly because all the nominations are from the main premier clubs and other top sports etc.  Please visit onevalefan on go onto PortVale general discussion and click on Vote Birchall.  There is the link for the BBC.  I would have put the link on here but I am a thick englishman and don't know how to do it. 

127

Jokes / If you are a wife, don't read this. Another poor joke from England

« on: December 03, 2005, 09:56:37 AM »

A man was driving his car along the motorway when he notices a blue flashing light in his rear view mirror.  At first he ignores it as it is so far away.  Eventually after he had travelled another 10 miles this blue flashing light was right behind him.  It was the dibble (the police).  The man was pulled over and the officer approached tha mans car and said 'Good afternoon sir, did you know that your wife fell out of your car about ten miles down the road'  the man was shocked, he looked at the passenger seat and noticed that his wife wasn't there, he then breathed a sigh of relief and said 'Thank f*ck for that, I thought I'd gone deaf'

128

Jokes / Another joke from inglaterra

« on: December 02, 2005, 05:32:28 PM »

A man crying in his beer and his friends says 'whats the matter?'
He says 'My wife is seeing another man, but I can't prove it'
'Why don't you buy a parrot' says his friend
' My wife is having an affair and you want me to buy a parrot, what drugs are you on? says the man.
'Well' says his friend,'Parrots can talk so all you have to do is ask the parrot to spy on your wife, and there you are, proof'
Impressed and feeling a lot better, the man went to the pet shop and he asks the man 'I want to buy a talking parrot'
'We don't have any'
'Well do you have any bird that can talk?'
'Yes we do. We have a talking budgie but there is one problem' says th shop assistant
'What's that? asks tha man
'Well, he don't have any legs'
'How does he sit on his perch then?' asks the man
'He wraps his manhood around it'
'As long as he can talk, I don't care' says the man as he pays the pet shop man his money.

He took the budgie home and the next morning he says to the bird ' Right Birchie' (that was the budgies name) I want you to tell me eveything that goes on with my wife, ok?'
'OK' says the budgie
'I'm going to work now so I'll see you tonight'

That night when his wife was having a shower the man says to the Budgie 'Ok Birchie, what happened when I went to work?'
The Budgie says 'After you left, there was a knock at the door and a big man came in, and your wife was wearing sexy clothes.  They started to kiss, then he sat down and your wife started to dance slowly and sexily in front of him.  She then started to strip off slowly, first her shirt and then her skirt'
'What happened next?' said the man impatiently
'Well, she took off her bra and then very very slowly she started to slide down her black lace knickers exposing her gorgious ass'

'What happened next?' shouted the man as the Budgie stopped speaking

'I don't know' answered Birchie
'Why not?' wimpered the man
'Well' said the budgie 'I fell off my perch'

129

Jokes / Joke from engerland

« on: November 30, 2005, 06:04:38 PM »

A man is making love with his wife (well someones wife anyway) and she was lying on her back and he was on top.  After a few minutes he noticed that her feet were moving up and down in time with his rythm -how you spell rythm?-  So he stopped his thrusting and when he stopped so did her feet.  Puzzled he started thrusting again, and her feet started to move up and down again.  Again he stopped and so did her feet.  By this time she was getting fed up,  'what's the matter ?' she asks.  He say to her.  'Why is your feet moving up and down when we make love?'  She didn't know she was doiing it so she felt down with her hands and says 'oh, sh*t' 
'Whats up?' He asks
'I left my tights on' she replied.

 

130

Jokes / How to stop having babies

« on: November 29, 2005, 07:11:23 PM »

After having their 11th child, a Bahraini couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Bahraini said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world,but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firework and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.................

131

Jokes / English; The official language of Europe

« on: November 29, 2005, 03:17:08 PM »

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
>be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
>the other possibility.
>
>As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
>spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in
>plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will
>replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
>joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
>konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
>
>There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year when the
>troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
>fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
>kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
>possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
>have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
>horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
>away.
>
>By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
>"z" and "w" with "v".
>
>During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
>and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
>mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
>Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
>
>Und nach dem fünften Jahr, wir werden alle Englisch sprechen
 
 

>

132

Football / Port Vale England fans confusion

« on: November 26, 2005, 06:05:35 AM »

Some of them are not sure who to support in next years WOrld Cup finals.  This is a quote from onevalefan website forum

" A couple of us in Biddulph were thinking going to Germany to try to get into an England game or 2 next summer. But we are now thinking of going to see T&T. It will be a great experience, especially if "Me Mum" plays "