Topics

31

Jokes / The Ferret

« on: July 31, 2006, 04:23:26 PM »

A man is having a quiet drink in a pub when a tramp comes up and asks, ‘Wanna buy this for £50?’ He pulls a ferret from his pocket. ‘What the hell would I want to buy that for?’ asks the man. ‘This ferret will give you the best blow job of your life,’ the tramp says. The guy thinks his leg is being pulled, and tells the tramp to sling his hook. Undeterred, the tramps continues, ‘Look, if you don’t believe me, take it outside for a free trial.’ The guy takes the ferret out to the back of the pub. Straight away, the animal unzips his trousers and gives him the best blow job of his life. So the guy carries the ferret back into the pub, gives the tramp £50 and takes the animal home. When his battleaxe of a wife opens the front door, the man proudly holds up the ferret. ‘Look what I’ve bought for £50,’ he proclaims. ‘What on earth did you buy that for?’ she asks angrily. ‘This ferret gave me the best blow job of my life!’ he exclaims. ‘Well,’ she says, annoyed. ‘What the hell do you want me to do with it?’ The man replies, ‘Teach it how to cook – and then f**k off!’

Apologies if it's been posted before.
   
   

32

Jokes / Booby prize

« on: July 17, 2006, 01:07:18 PM »

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he’s showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them – all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge Daddy bears on the very top shelf. Surprised, the woman still decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, ‘Well, how was it?’ ‘Well,’ says the man, frowning. ‘You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.’

33

Jokes / How the press works

« on: June 30, 2006, 06:21:30 PM »

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a nearby fence, forces it into the dog’s collar and twists it, breaking the dog’s neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, ‘Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal.’ The boy interrupts: ‘But I'm not a City fan.’ The reporter starts again: ‘Manchester United fan rescues friend from horrific attack.’ The boy interrupts again: ‘I'm not a United fan either.’ ‘Who do you support, then?’ ‘Liverpool,’ replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: ‘Scouse bastard kills family pet.’


I love scousers really 

34

Jokes / One about Pinocchio

« on: June 30, 2006, 06:20:09 PM »

Pinocchio complains to his father saying ‘Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.’ His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his knob down whenever he needs to. A few days later during dinner his father asks, ‘How are the girls?’ Pinocchio replies, ‘Girls? Who needs girls?

35

Jokes / Bad ass one

« on: June 23, 2006, 06:07:33 PM »

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to his doctor to see what can be done about it. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his arse every six hours. ‘Right,’ says the doctor, ‘bend over and I’ll do the first one for you.’ The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home. At home six hours later the man realizes that he can’t stick the suppository far enough up his arse on his own, and he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband’s shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror, the man lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream. ‘My God!’ she cries. ‘What’s the matter? Have I hurt you?’ ‘No,’ replies the man. ‘But I’ve just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders.’

36

Jokes / Following the disappointment in Germany, I hope this cheers you up.

« on: June 23, 2006, 06:02:40 PM »

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No-one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. “Alright,” he snarled at the room. “I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.” The locals shifted uneasily in their seats, as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. “And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.” Chairs creaked restlessly. The cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it. As he saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender came out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. “Say partner, before you go, tell me – what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back, with a long face, said......................“I had to walk home.”

37

Jokes / In the beginning...

« on: June 18, 2006, 05:17:35 PM »

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.

You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50years."

The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."

And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth.

You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected."

And it was so. So God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

38

Jokes / Fertile celebration.

« on: June 18, 2006, 05:11:38 PM »

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

39

Football / Nice words from former Port Vale and Jamaica star

« on: June 14, 2006, 12:02:42 PM »

 

There's just one day to go before Chris Birchall plays the biggest game of his life, and I am sure he will be counting the minutes. I didn't get to play England when I got to the World Cup finals with Jamaica, but I know what the excitement is like as your games get closer.

Like a kid waiting on Christmas Eve, you keep thinking it must be happening soon because you just want to get out there and play.

The danger is that sometimes you can want it too much and when the game comes you can try to do too much. You have to try to conserve your energy because it can drain away with all the nervous tension.

But I am confident for Chris because when I saw him in Trinidad's first game against Sweden, he was very disciplined. He held the reins and didn't go charging around.

People are wondering how he will fare against Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard in midfield, but sometimes in this situation it can be more difficult for your opponent.

They have everything to lose, while Chris has everything to gain. He is a fit lad, is confident and will get stuck in. The game is a one-off and he will raise his level because he wants to show people he can compete with the best in England and Europe.

When I was at Port Vale and we played a higher division club, I always wanted to test myself, as well as show I could play at that level.

Plenty of people thought Chris and his team-mates couldn't hack it at the World Cup, but I think they have earned respect for the way they played in their draw with Sweden.

Having beaten Jamaica 6-0 a couple of weeks ago, maybe some in the England camp thought they could just turn up against Trinidad and Tobago.

But having seen the Sweden game they will have seen Leo Beenhakker's team are a lot further down the road than Jamaica, as hard as that is for me to admit.

The fact the Soca Warriors are no longer an unknown quantity may work against them, but they came here wanting respect and they have got that after their first 90 minutes.

The pressure is off for them now, which is a great way to play in the World Cup. But there is no way Beenhakker will let them rest on their laurels.

They have an outside chance of qualifying and if they can nick a draw tomorrow it will be even better. I thought Beenhakker's tactics against Sweden were excellent, particularly when his side were down to 10 men less than a minute into the second half.

You don't get to coach Real Madrid and the Dutch national side, as he has, without knowing what you are doing and he will have a plan worked out for England.

I suspect he will flood the midfield because he will want England to hit the ball long to Peter Crouch. Trinidad have Dennis Lawrence at the back, who is 6ft 7in, so they would prefer England to go long than play through the midfield.

That could cause England a problem because England usually know Crouch will win the ball in the air. That gives their midfield players the confidence to know they can go forward.

But that dynamic will change because with Lawrence playing there is no guarantee Crouch will win everything.

After Trinidad's first game, one or two were wondering whether their players would be tired after playing against Sweden with 10 men.

Believe me, that won't be an issue because if there is one game in which every player will run until they drop it is this one.

I was in Trinidad before the finals and the one thing everyone was talking about was the England game. In some respects, this is their World Cup final.

At the start of the World Cup all the talk was of Trinidad and Tobago taking on the mighty England.

Maybe after the Sweden game it should be England taking on the mighty Trinidad and Tobago.

Robbie Earle 14/06/06  From the Staffordshire Sentinel.

40

Jokes / Spaghetti

« on: June 14, 2006, 11:58:15 AM »

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey,she said, "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without".


Oh, and good luck against England.

41

Jokes / Honeymooners in love

« on: June 02, 2006, 12:16:04 PM »

An english man, a trini and a red neck were on honeymoon with their respective wives staying in the same hotel.  The first morning they were all sat at the same table, all of them in love.  The english fella said to his wife "Can you pass me the sugar, Sugar?" So she passed him the sugar with a smile.

Not to be outdone the trini said to his wife "Can you pass me the honey, Honey?"  She passed him the honey with a smile.

The redneck thought to him self 'I can do better than them two'
So he said to his wife "Pass me the milk, Cow"

42

Jokes / Does the third rat have trini blood???

« on: June 01, 2006, 02:04:24 PM »

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are. The first rat says, ‘When I woke up there was a matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the whole lot and didn't feel a thing.’ After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in, ‘When I got up this morning, there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise.’ At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door. ‘Where are you going?’ ask the two other rats. ‘Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and shag the cat again.’

43

Jokes / Where are we?

« on: June 01, 2006, 02:02:39 PM »

A man and his wife are driving through the Welsh countryside when they came across a roadsign: ‘Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.’ After the husband attempts to say it, his wife starts laughing – and quickly, the pronunciation soon becomes an argument. So much so, in fact, that they’re still debating as they pull into a restaurant in town. As they're settling their bill, the wife can’t help questioning the cashier. ‘Excuse me, but would you mind settling an argument between my husband and me?’ she asks. ‘Could you pronounce the name of where we are? Only please do it very slowly.’ The cashier rolls her eyes, and leans forward. ‘Liiiiiiiittttlllllleeeee Chhhheeefffff,’ she says.


Can any trinis say that word?  £10 for any one who can 

44

Jokes / Lourdes or........

« on: June 01, 2006, 01:59:21 PM »

A priest goes into a pub to avoid the rain and spies a member of his congregation in there looking miserably in to his pint. ‘What’s wrong, Brian?’ asks the kindly man of God. ‘It’s my grandfather,’ replies Brian. ‘He’s just died.’ ‘Well, did you not try to take him to Lourdes and get him cured?’ ‘We had a whip-round in the pub and I went with him, but we had only been there an hour when he died,’ answered Brian. ‘Well,’ comforts the Priest. ‘Sometimes the Lord moves in mysterious ways.’
Brian replies ‘I think it was more likely to be the speed of the cricket ball that hit him in the head.’

45

Jokes / Sorry for this one

« on: June 01, 2006, 01:57:39 PM »

One day Dracula is walking down the street, when suddenly ten tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bread rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps descends on him from a great height, knocking him to the ground. ‘Oh no!’ he gasps with his dying breath, ‘It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!’

46

Jokes / Is that a frog in your pocket?

« on: June 01, 2006, 01:52:36 PM »

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it. ‘Cute,’ says the woman. ‘Is that a pet?’ The man smiled. ‘Yes, and he’s good at doing tricks too.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘He eats pussy. Come back to my place and I’ll prove it to you …’ Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn’t move. After a couple of minutes the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, ‘Well?’ The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog, and says, ‘Okay, you idiot, I’m only going to show you one more time.’

47

Jokes / Don’t get lost in the woods

« on: June 01, 2006, 01:50:12 PM »

After graduating from the University of Arkansas, a young journalist gets a job at a tiny provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment is to write a human-interest story, so he goes out to the country to do his research. Driving through the cornfields, he spies an old farmhand and introduces himself. ‘I was just wondering, sir’ the young hack asked. ‘Out here in the middle of nowhere – has anything ever happened that made you happy?’ The old-timer furrowed his weathered brow for a moment. ‘Yep!’ he exclaimed, suddenly. ‘One time my neighbour's daughter, a good-looking girl, got lost. So we formed a posse, and went out and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.’ The young journo blanched. ‘I can't print that!’ he cried. ‘Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?’ The farmer thought again. ‘Yeah!’ he said, finally. ‘One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. After forming a posse, we found it and all screwed it before we took it back home.’ ‘Christ!’ says the young man. ‘I can't print that either!’ He thinks for a while. ‘Okay – has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?’ The old man looked at the ground. ‘Well,’ he said sheepishly. ‘I got lost once.’

48

Jokes / Bit of an old one

« on: May 30, 2006, 02:35:19 PM »

Two nuns are sitting in the traffic waiting for the lights to change when suddenly a vampire appears in front of them. ‘Oh sister, what shall we do?’ stammers the younger nun. ‘Do not worry,’ came the reply. ‘Show him your cross.’ The younger nun winds down the windscreen and yells, ‘f**k off, you little twat!’

49

Jokes / Patient takes doctors advice

« on: May 30, 2006, 02:32:40 PM »

After suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief, Trevor is referred to a headache specialist by his family GP. ‘The trouble is,’ Trevor tells the specialist, ‘I get this blinding pain, like a knife across my scalp and …’ He is interrupted by the doctor, ‘And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?’ ‘Yes! Exactly! How did you know?’ ‘Well, I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: every day I would give my wife oral sex.’ ‘Is that all it takes?’ says Trevor, intrigued. ‘Oh no,’ says the doctor. ‘When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.’ Two weeks go by and Trevor returns, grinning. ‘Doc, I'm a new man! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.’ ‘That’s fine,’ says the doctor. ‘I was glad to pass on a personal cure.’ ‘By the way,’ says Trevor, standing up to leave. ‘You have a lovely home.’
   
   

50

Jokes / Heaven

« on: May 25, 2006, 04:03:33 PM »

Einstein dies and goes to heaven.  St Pete says 'If you are Einstein then prove it.  Many people who die don't deserve to enter heaven so they try to say that they are someone else.  You won't beleive the lengths some people go to'  So Einstein says ' Get me a chalk and blackboard'  St Peter clicks his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.  Einstein then writes down his theories using mathematical equations.  St Peter is impressed and says'Welcome to heaven Einstein'

Next day Picasso dies.  'Prove you're Picasso' Says St Peter
'Can I use that blackboard?' 
'Ok' says St Pete  and so Picasso, using the chalk draws a masterpeice that only Picasso could draw.  Impressed St Peter says  'Welcome to heaven Picasso'

The next day George Bush dies.  'Like Einstein and Picasso, you will have to prove who you are before I let you in'  Says St Peter

George Bush looks at St Peter with a strange look and says ' Who are Einstein and Picasso?'

'Welcome to heaven George' says St Peter.

51

Jokes / A girls first time

« on: May 25, 2006, 03:30:42 PM »

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

52

Jokes / Horse & Chicken

« on: May 23, 2006, 04:08:46 PM »

 
Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand.

The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW.

Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.

Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"

The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"

They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene.

There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?

The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!"

With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!"

The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

53

Jokes / BBC World Cup Guidelines for commentary team.

« on: May 22, 2006, 11:35:57 AM »

1 -Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (Germany v Costa Rica), the commentator must mention England.

2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have to be mentioned within the first minute.

3 - The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point in the match if England play Argentina.

4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.

5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be
mentioned approximately 20 times.

6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on 4 or 5 occasions for matches not involving England.

7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the
commentator will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.

8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing ability.

9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill,
Dambusters, The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.

10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England as "we" and "us".

11 - We must ensure that nationlistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course, the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Ivory Coast are fast but bad at defending, The Angolans are disorganised, The Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because their best players play in England.

12 - For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that are playing in England. (eg - Holland v Argentina should be referred to as Van Nistelroy v Crespo).

13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as possible.

14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England Expects."

15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.

16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.

17 - Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Germany but emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football since 1966.

18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.

19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and Bobby Charlton should be mentioned.

20 - When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.

54

Jokes / Batman and Robin

« on: May 21, 2006, 03:18:41 PM »

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.

Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"

"Robin, you f**kwit, someone has stolen our tent."

55

Jokes / A blonde and the sheep

« on: May 21, 2006, 03:12:18 PM »

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing Truetrini's blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?

56

Jokes / Saddam Hussein

« on: May 19, 2006, 01:50:52 PM »

Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death by firing squad and because he was the former president he was granted one wish before he died. 

'I would like to choose my own executioner'

'Fine, who would you like?'

So Saddam ponders then he says 'I would like it to be David Beckham from 12 yards'

57

Football / Truetrini on the TV & BBC 24 film interview us.

« on: May 18, 2006, 10:51:32 AM »

Damn, I missed it.  The programme 'Fans united' featured TnT and Vale Fans in the pub before the Brentford game and they showed Truetrini being interviewed,  I don't know if they used subtitles or not  .  It is being shown again soon but I don't know when.  I wonder if I can be seen.

58

Jokes / Is this how Trini men romance their ladies?

« on: May 16, 2006, 10:48:08 AM »

A married couple in Trinidad,Mr and Mrs Jones had been together for 13 years and one day she asks him why he is never romantic to her, he didn't know how to answer because as far as he was concerned he was always romantic.  For the next 20 minutes she carried on with this lecture of what is romance etc etc blah blah moan moan belly ache belly ache.  He couldn't stand it anymore so he left the room.  The next day he decided he would show her how romantic he was by placing an advertisement in the local paper.

In the newspaper office he was told that it would cost £5 for up to ten words and so he wrote down what he wanted to appear in the newspaper column.  It read "I think Amy Jones is lovely"  He gave it to the man behind the counter and when he read it he says that it is £5 for up to ten words so that means there can be another 4 words at no extra cost.

The next day, Mrs Jones read the paper and saw this ad which read, "I think Amy Jones is lovely. Garden shed for sale.

59

Jokes / Two blokes looking for their wives

« on: May 13, 2006, 06:00:08 PM »

Two geezers are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they
 collide.

 The first geezer says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
 the wife, and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

 The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
 wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

 The first guy says, "Well, perhaps we can help each other. What does your
 wife look like"?

 The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
 blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What
 does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

60

Jokes / Oh no, little Johnny strikes again

« on: May 12, 2006, 11:48:38 AM »

 Children at a primary school had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room belonging to little Johnny rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."