Soca Warriors Online Discussion Forum
General => Jokes => Topic started by: WestCoast on March 02, 2007, 10:13:23 PM
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(CBS) Andy Rooney is known to millions for his wry, humorous and sometimes
controversial essays that have been the signature end piece of 60 Minutes
for decades:
1. Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands
and knees.
2. Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning " lousy hunter."
3. Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs $40,000 a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my
house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't
think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should
have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up
to the generator.
4. Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their
breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives
mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that
April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused
in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And
the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Rooney on 'cripes'
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be;
Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7. Rooney on Grandma.
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do
you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
8. Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: 'Share the love'."
BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted!"
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damn lol :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
little johnny strikes again :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
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damn lol :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
little johnny strikes again :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Huh ???
but ah like dis one :rotfl: