January 27, 2022, 09:07:34 AM

Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Topics - real madness

Pages: [1] 2 3
1
General Discussion / SWEETIE COCAINE
« on: February 01, 2008, 03:45:23 PM »
A friendly vendor hawking cigarettes and sweets on the busy Chaguanas Main Road, has turned out to be a drug-dealing kidnap accused selling cocaine rocks wrapped in chocolates and mints.

The 47-year-old suspect was taken down by Central Division police officers based at the newly-opened Brasso Police Post, who went in search of criminals to get them off the streets before Carnival.

The man was selling a 25 cent sweet for between $10 and $20, and the cocaine was wrapped in grease-proof paper and folded into the sweet's original wrapping.



http://www.trinidadexpress.com/index.pl/article_news?id=161272408

2
General Discussion / "Helping PPL Move" Etiquette
« on: January 20, 2008, 10:05:00 AM »
yesterday mih pardmer tell mih he went to help ah friend move around 1pm....so when he reach he realize dem eh pack up the boxes yet, appliances still plugged in, towels still hanging on the rack in the bathroom.  He aslo hungry and dem eh have no food to eat except krispy kreme donuts, cookies and soft drinks..so at this point he vex, to make matters worse de gyul ask for his help to move by sending a text, not even ah phone call....

so we started talking about moving etiquette so here is a few basic ones we came up..

1) when you are asking someone to help you move, don't send a text or email...do the decent thing and ask for help via a phone call...
a move is a big thing, it is not like you asking yuh neighbour for a ride to the train station or to borrow ah cup of sugar

2) you have to provide food and drinks (pizza and beer)
sprite, coke, and juice doh count as drinks (you may provide dem as an alternative for any non drinkers but they should not be the only option).

3)ask for help at least 2 weeks in advance.

4)make sure at least 90% of yuh stuff already packed before the movers reach.

5) make sure yuh ready to move at start time.
doh tell ppl 10 am and when they show up u still sleeping

3
Jokes / Butt Measurement
« on: January 19, 2008, 11:57:31 AM »
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

4
Jokes / Different types of boobs
« on: January 17, 2008, 08:17:22 PM »


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

 The father surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
 In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons - round and firm. In her 30s
 to 40s, they are like pears - still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 they
 are like
 onions."

 "ONIONS?"

 "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
 
 This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many
 kinds of 'willies' are there?"

 The mother,surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
 three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard.
 In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch - flexible but reliable. After his
 50s, it is
 like a Christmas tree."
 
 "A Christmas tree?"
 
 "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decorations."

5
Jokes / Why men don't write advice columns
« on: January 05, 2008, 08:01:25 PM »
Dear Ted,



     I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
leaving
     my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone
more
     than a mile down the road when my engine
     conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

     I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
     couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor
lady
     making mad passionate love to her.
     I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve
years.

     When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the
     back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but
found
     her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to
     our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
     immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was
attempting
     to break free when I ca me back. But when
      I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down
     and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six
months.


     I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his
job
     six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
depressed
     and worthless. I love him very much, but ever
      since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. I
     don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

     Can you please help?



     Sincerely,

     Susie Fox





     Dear Susie,



     A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
by a
     variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in
the
     fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the
      vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of
these
     approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself
     is faulty, causing low delivery pressure
      to the carburetor float chamber .

     I hope this helps.



     Ted

6
Football / Another Intercol Upset-El Do defeats San Juan.
« on: November 12, 2007, 11:19:15 PM »
St Augustine, El Do to contest East final.
By: Kern De Freitas (Express).
[/size]

St Augustine Senior Comprehensive will contest yet another RBTT InterCol East Zone final after a 2-0 extra-time victory over Arima Senior Comprehensive, while zonal champions San Juan Secondary Comprehensive suffered a shock 3-0 defeat to El Dorado Secondary Comprehensive in the second semi-final at the Larry Gomes Stadium in Malabar yesterday.
Again, the Green Machine had to turn to national youth player Daniel Joseph, who sat on the bench for 54 minutes before handing them both goals just when a spot kick shootout loomed. Arima's Dial Dynamos should have used their one-man advantage after St Augustine's Jevaughn Vance was sent off for profane language in the 37th minute. Instead they were the ones on the defensive for most of the encounter.
The fact that they went 103 minutes before conceding was more due to the excellent efforts of Arima goalie Joseph Craig whose prowess gave his team a fighting chance more than their defensive strategy, but he could only do so much. St Augustine started the match with a few of their best players on the bench, including Joseph and Brandon Rupert.
For the first 25 minutes Arima threatened to take the lead but their marksmanship was found lacking.
St Augustine keeper Joel Johnson denied Kendes Garcia and then Nicholas Armstrong fired between Johnson's arms. The Green Machine also had some close efforts hit wide and neither team could break the deadlock before half time.
With St Augustine down to ten men, coach Michael Grayson swapped defender Andrew Petit for Joseph, who did not seem 100 per cent, perhaps coming off an injury, yet he put some pep into his team's attack.
Craig forced a close-range shot from the tricky striker wide, then spectacularly pushed a curling Joseph free kick destined for the near "vee" over-bar.
Green Machine midfielder Kendall Campbell twice missed the target and Joseph was brilliantly kept out by the keeper's foot in the 80th as regulation time ended with a 0-0 score-line.
Finally, after Joseph and Rupert were denied from close range by Craig, the former found a way to beat him with a low shot in the 14th minute of extra time. Two minutes later, Craig finished second in a race with Joseph for the ball and could only watch the sphere hit the back of his net, ending a brave battle by Arima.

Yesterday's RBTT InterCol Results:

East Zone[/b]

St Augustine 2 vs Arima 0

San Juan 0 vs El Dorado 3
'El Do' shocks San Juan; Champs booted out.
By: Sheldon Wood (schoolsoccernet).
[/size]
 
In the 2007 RBTT Intercol competition, one thing is for certain. There will be a new champion crowned at the end, as defending champs San Juan were spectacularly dumped out of the competition by El Dorado Senior Comprehensive. Jamaal Gay put in a heroic display to engineer yet another major upset in the 2007 RBTT Intercol competition.
El Dorado lost both their league encounters against a San Juan team (2-1 & 3-0) fresh off of being crowned 2007 National League Champs. The Elijah Manners led team was clear favorites, but as has been stated many times before, Intercol is about who wants it more….and today it was El Dorado Senior Comprehensive.
The game started off at a breath taking pace, and San Juan should have had the early lead off of a corner, but Jamaal Spencer missed a simple tap in with the goal at his mercy.
Against the run of play Jamaal Gay latched onto a long clearance out of the ‘El Do’ half and beat past the San Juan right back, played an exquisite pass into the path of the oncoming Gerrard John Williams who showed San Juan how to finish by side footing the ball into the top right hand corner of the goal.
San Juan had a golden opportunity to equalize when they were awarded a penalty, but inexplicably Kareem Girod hit the resulting spot kick hard and wide of the left post.
El Dorado made San Jan pay dearly for the goal when Jamaal Gay volleyed a headed clearance into the bottom left hand corner of the San Juan goal, giving Glenroy Samuel no chance.
San Juan pushed forward looking for the goal to bring them back into the match, and they nearly got it as Neil Mitchell was played through, but could not beat the advancing Hakeem Blake in the El Dorado goal who spread himself well to close down the angle. At the half the score remained 2-0 in favor of El Dorado. The champions were staring elimination in the face.
San Juan started the second half on the offensive, looking for the early goal. Again the opportunities were created, but their finishing let them down.
El Dorado would eventually put the game on ice when Jamal Gay again went on one of his dizzying runs and carved his way into the San Juan midfield. With the defense closing in on him, Gay played an immaculate pass to an unmarked Keon Issac who faked goalkeeper Samuel and slotted home to ball to make it 3-0 and send the ‘El Do’ faithful into a frenzy.
Credit must be given to San Juan who still pushed forward, and should have at least got a consolation goal when Akil James lobbed goalkeeper Hakeem Blake, but was denied by the left post.
The final whistle soon sounded and the 2006 National Intercol Champions were out. There would be no sweep of trophies for Coach Keith Jeffery. El Dorado deserved the victory, and will face the defending East Zone Intercol Champions St. Augustine in the final on Saturday.
Speyside shock league champs.
By: Sheldon Wood (schoolsoccernet).
[/size]

Upsets continued in the 2007 RBTT Intercol when Speyside defeated 2007 Tobago League Champs Mason Hall 5-4 on penalty kicks having been tied 1-1 after regulation and extra time. To say Mason Hall was the favorite in the matchup against Speyside is an understatement.
Speyside won only one game in the 2007 league, and lost both games in the meeting between the two teams by 6-2 and 7-1 scorelines. The magic that is RBTT Intercol football renders these statistics irrelevant, and Mason Hall paid dearly for their complacency.
Speyside scored first through a Jermaine Gray goal in the 13th minute, and Mason Hall equalized in the 65th minute courtesy Travis Winchester. After regulation and extra time, the scores remained deadlocked and it was down to penalty kicks to separate the two teams. In the end Speyside prevailed 5-4 in penalty kicks giving them an unlikely victory, and a place in the 2007 RBTT Tobago Intercol final against Scarborough on Wednesday at the Dwight Yorke Stadium.

Scarborough defeat Signal Hill 2-0

Scarborough Secondary eased past Signal Hill 2-0 to progress to the final of the 2007 RBTT Tobago Intercol final. Scarborough got their goals on either side of the half as Jarron Quashie (27th minute) and Scarborough leading goal scorer Andell Noray (51st minute) gave the Signal Hill defense a torrid time whole match.
With the victory, Scarborough goes into Wednesday’s final against Speyside as clear favorites. If their league results against Speyside (4-0 and 3-0) are anything to go by, Speyside are going to be in for a long night…but this is Intercol where past results doesn’t matter, but who wants it more…just ask Mason Hall.

7
Jokes / Jokes about Old People
« on: November 08, 2007, 08:53:25 PM »
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.. The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. "
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs . She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."




A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."


8
Football / Pele says England is starved of good players
« on: November 08, 2007, 07:43:21 AM »
Pele says England underachieves because it is starved of good players
 
By ROB HARRIS, Associated Press Writer
November 7, 2007
yahoo.com


SHEFFIELD, England (AP) -- Pele believes England is too quick to blame its managers for underachieving -- instead of admitting that the soccer-mad country is starved of talent.

The national team's only major triumph remains the 1966 World Cup, which it hosted.

 
Last month's defeat in Russia hurt its qualifying for the European Championships and may force England to miss its first major tournament since the 1994 World Cup.

Manager Steve McClaren is fighting for his future after 15 months at the job. England needs help from Israel against Russia on Nov. 17 and has to beat Croatia four days later at Wembley Stadium.

"England has few very good players," three-time World Cup winner Pele said on Wednesday. "When those players get injured in a tough, long tournament they don't have a player to replace them -- that is the big problem in England.

"Unlike other countries, Brazil in particular, you don't have many choices when either players are off form or not playing well."

He insists McClaren isn't at fault.

"It's normal all over the world that the coach is always the one who people blame when results don't go well," Pele said. "You have to see the whole process, not just the management."

Pele points to his country's failure to reach the knockout phase of the 1982 World Cup.

"Brazil had the best team, was fantastic with excellent players, and lost the World Cup," he said. "The coach is not the real problem. When things start to go badly, the team doesn't work well, sometimes it's tough to change."

England's so-called "golden generation," featuring the talents of David Beckham and Michael Owen, has gone out at the quarterfinals at the 2002 and 2006 World Cups, and Euro 2004, under Sven-Goran Eriksson.

Pele was in northern England to celebrate the 150th anniversary of the world's first soccer club, Sheffield FC. The amateur side plays Inter Milan in a friendly on Thursday.

 

9
I would greatly appreciate if anyone can provide contact information for any steelbands in the Oakland/San Francisco area.

10
What about Track & Field / Son of Trinis sets World Youth record
« on: July 14, 2007, 12:40:12 PM »
Trinidad Express

FIFTEEN-year-old Wayne Davis of the USA set the all-time World Youth Championships best time as he stormed through the finish line in the Boys' 110m Hurdles, clocking a phenomenal 13.18 seconds, in Ostrava, Czech Republic on Thursday.

Davis, whose parents are from Trinidad and Tobago, improved on the previous standard set by Greece's Konstantinos Douvalidis in 2004 by four-hundredths of a second and also erased world champion Ladj Doucouré's Championship record of 13.26 which had stood since the inaugural edition of this competition eight years ago.

Davis was the fastest out of the blocks and one could already tell by the way he attacked the first hurdle that his race was going to be something special. He left teammate, pre-event favourite and World Youth leader, William Wynne trailing way back with the rest of the field another couple of metres behind.

A native of Raleigh, North Carolina, Davis has origins in Trinidad and Tobago where both his parents were born and his grandparents and most of his relatives still live.

His parents met when they were studying at University in North Carolina and never went back although the family travels to Trinidad "every other winter to spend Christmas there".

The Davis family has quite a sporting tradition with Wayne senior being a former Under-18 international footballer for Trinidad and Tobago.

Younger sister Danielle, who just turned 14, is also a track athlete with her specialist events being the 100m and 400m Hurdles.

"She hopes to compete in the next World Youth Championships," said Davis.

An aficionado of the sprint hurdles, Davis recounted how he fell in love with the event when watching Allen Johnson win at the 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games on television.

"I was only five at the time but I remember very well. I didn't know the names of the athletes or anything but when I saw that race I said that's what I want to do."

It took him another three years to get his first track experience.

"I was eight when I started athletics. I wanted to jump the hurdles but I was too young and too small. I had to wait a little longer before I could try it."

Davis, who will turn 16 on August 22, said although it was Johnson's race that inspired him in the beginning it is China's world record-holder Liu Xiang who he looks up to.

"Johnson has won a lot but I like the way Liu Xiang came out of nowhere and beat all those older guys. He holds the World Junior record at 13.12 and has been progressing since he was a youth, just like me.

"Technique-wise I think he is the best in the world. I watch all his races on the Internet and study them very carefully."

Davis' time of 13.18 was run with the 0.91 high hurdles but the American has no fear to step up to the senior high hurdles at 1.06m.

"My PB on the high hurdles is 13.65. I think I can improve it to around 13.4 already this year. I am never satisfied. I always want more and more. Today I really wanted to get the record and I thought I could have run 12.9 but over the ninth hurdle my trail leg went too wide and that slowed me down."

11
Trinidad Express
Brown, Burns face the starter

Sagicor National Open Championships

Kwame Laurence klaurence@trinidadexpress.com


Friday, June 22nd 2007


Darrel Brown and Marc Burns head the list of Trinidad and Tobago track stars who will be on show in Sagicor National Open Track and Field Championship preliminary round heats, at the Hasely Crawford Stadium today.

Brown, who clocked 10.02 seconds in his 2007 century opener, in Jamaica last month, has been drawn in the fifth of seven men's 100 metres heats. The 2001 National Championship gold medallist will square off against defending champion Jacey Harper.

Burns will face the starter at 6.15 p.m., in the very first heat. The 24-year-old sprinter won the national title in 2002 and again in 2005, when he clocked a championship record 9.96 seconds.

A cash prize of $10,000 is on offer this year for a new record in the men's 100m.

Nicconnor Alexander squares off against Marcus Duncan in an interesting heat four match-up. And in heat seven, 19-year-old sprint sensation Keston Bledman will do battle with Kevon Pierre.

Also listed to compete in the event are Aaron Armstrong (heat two), Richard Thompson (heat three) and Melvin Nero (heat six).

The top two in each heat and the two "fastest losers" will advance to tomorrow's semis.

Alexander and Duncan will again go head-to-head in heat four of the men's 200m. Armstrong, who is chasing a hat-trick of half-lap triumphs, will run in the opening heat.

Action at the Crawford Stadium today starts at 6 p.m. with the women's 100m preliminaries.

A notable absentee is reigning champion Kelly-Ann Baptiste. The 20-year-old Louisiana State University (LSU) student sustained a back injury during the American collegiate season, and is out for the rest of the year.

In the absence of the 2005/2006 champion, Fana Ashby is the woman to beat. Ashby, a six-time National Championship 100m gold medallist, will run in the third of three heats. Ayanna Hutchinson, Nandelle Cameron, Sasha Springer and Semoy Hackett are among the sprinters hoping to upstage Ashby at the Sagicor-sponsored meet.

Ashby, Hutchinson, Cameron, Springer and Hackett as well as 17-year-old Britney St Louis, Kelsey Toussaint, Dana Massiah and Nickeisha Charles are among the starters in the women's 200m preliminaries.

Natalie Dixon, St Louis, Toussaint, Massiah, Charles and Janeil Bellille will all be in action in the women's 400m qualifying round.

On current form, reigning world junior champion Renny Quow and Ato Modibo are the favourites in the men's 400m.

Quow opens the defence of his national one-lap title with a heat four outing in today's preliminaries. Modibo has been drawn in heat three. Three-time champion Damion Barry clashes with Jarrin Solomon in heat two, and Jamil James takes on Simon Pierre in the sixth and final heat.

Sherridan Kirk is listed to face the starter in the opening one-lap heat. It is in the men's 800m, though, that he has made his name at the National Championships. Kirk has won seven two-lap titles on the trot, and is tipped to make it eight straight on Sunday. Today, the 26-year-old half-miler runs in heat three, while his chief rivals-national junior record holder Jamaal James and Haitian Moise Joseph-face each other in heat one.

12
Jokes / Voodoo Peni$
« on: June 22, 2007, 06:18:18 AM »
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.  He went to a sex shop & explained his situation.   
 
  The man there said, "Well, I don't know tha t I h a ve anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...  the Voodoo Penis!" 

The husband said "The what"?  The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis"
  and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.  The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" 
 
  The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"


  The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole.  The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle.  Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the box. 
 
  The husband bought it.  He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.  She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch".  The penis shot to her crotch. 

 

  It was absolutely incredible.  After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.  She tried to pull it out, bu t it w as stuck.  Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.  So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. 


 
  On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road.  A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her  over. 

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. 

 

 Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer.  You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..." 


 
 
  The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
"Yeah right...  Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"


13
What about Track & Field / Tyson Gay 9.76 (wind aided)
« on: June 03, 2007, 01:08:07 PM »
Gay wins 100 at Reebok GP
 
By DOUG FEINBERG, AP Sports Writer
June 2, 2007

NEW YORK (AP) -- A little gust of wind cost Tyson Gay a world record.

Gay won the men's 100 in 9.76 seconds at the Reebok Grand Prix on Saturday night, but the wind was at 2.2 mph, slightly more than the allowable margin of 2.0.


"I had a bad feeling," the American said. "In the blocks I was pretty sure the wind was high. It had calmed down a bit, but not enough."

Asafa Powell of Jamaica holds the world record in the men's 100 at 9.77.

Gay bolted from the blocks and powered past the field with the wind at his back. Two weeks earlier, he ran a 9.79 at the Adidas Track Classic -- which would have tied the American record, but that wind was at 2.5.

"I don't run to chase world records," Gay said. "I'm not frustrated at all, I'm just happy to win the race."

Gay's time was the second fastest ever regardless of the wind. Obadele Thompson ran a 9.69 in April 1996, when the wind was over 5 mph.

Earlier, Veronica Campbell of Jamaica edged out Torri Edwards to take the women's 100 in 10.93.

Soon after Gay's sprint, Alan Webb surprised the field taking the men's 1,500. Webb blew past Bernard Lagat in the final 100 meters to take the victory in 3:52.94.

"With 100 to go, I gave it everything I had and the rest is history," Webb said.

Pole vaulter Jenn Stuczynski, fresh off ending Stacy Dragila's 11-year reign as the American record-holder in the women's pole vault, became the third woman to clear 16 feet.

"It's exciting," Stuczynski said. "I wanted to be the first American to clear 16 feet. With the conditions it was highly unlikely with the winds, but I just kept fighting through it."

She had cleared 15 feet, 10 1/2 inches at the Adidas Track Classic two weeks ago, taking down Dragila's three-year-old mark of 15-10.

Having already clinched the victory Saturday, Stuczynski put the bar at 16-0. She missed her first two attempts before narrowly getting over the bar on her last try.

"My first two jumps were close and I knew I could jump it," she said.

The 25-year-old then put the bar at 16-6, trying to break the world record of 16-5.25 held by Yelena Isinbayeva, but fell short. Svetlana Feofanova is the only other woman to clear 16-0.

Dragila was supposed to compete, but withdrew because her left Achilles' tendon was bothering her. She is still recovering from Achilles' tendon surgery a year ago.

World record-holder Liu Xiang of China won the 110 hurdles, edging Terrence Trammell with a time of 12.92. After two false starts, Liu got out slowly from the blocks and trailed Trammell until the ninth hurdle when he took over.

"I just got to New York and was still a bit jet-lagged," Liu said through a translator. "The first half of the race wasn't very good, but the second half I caught up and am very excited."

Trammell finished second in 12.95.

In front of a raucous pro-Jamaican crowd, Campbell came out slow from the blocks after a first false start, but powered past Edwards with 15 meters to go.

"I stayed positive and waited till the last 15 meters," Campbell said. "I knew I would get there. As far as the worlds I feel good and pray I can stay healthy."

The world championships are at the end of August in Osaka, Japan.

The 25-year-old Campbell, who won the gold medal in the 200 and bronze in the 100 at the 2004 Olympic Games, missed most of last season with a quadriceps injury.

"I'm not setting any time goals," Campbell said. "I just am going to run one race at a time."

Edwards wasn't disappointed with her second place finish.

"I'm happy I'm in the 10s consistently now," said Edwards, who finished in 10.96. "I tied up at the end of the race and got out slow."

She'll run both the 100 and 200 at the nationals at the end of June.

Wallace Spearmon beat Jamaican Usain Bolt in the men's 200, finishing in 19.82. The two were neck and neck for the final 75 meters before Spearmon edged him at the finish. It's the second fastest time in the world this year.

Rachelle Smith won the women's 200 in 22.31. High school phenom Bianca Knight from Mississippi pulled out before the race when she didn't feel well warming up. Knight is the national high school record holder in the event, running a 22.97 indoors, breaking the mark held by current world champion Allyson Felix.

Felix won the women's 400 in 50.53. She came in third earlier in the women's 100 running 11.01.

In other running events: Hazel Clark won the women's 800 in 1:59.07, the fastest time for an American this year; Khadevis Robinson won the 800 for the second straight year in 1:46.38; Canadian Malindi Elmore won the women's 1,500 in 4:07.01; Canadian Tyler Christopher won the men's 400 in 44.93; James Carter took the 400 hurdles in 48.37; Virginia Powell won the 100 hurdles in 12.45; and Ethiopian Tariku Bekele won the 5,000 in 13:04.05 -- the fastest time in the world this year.

Fellow Ethiopian Tirunesh Dibaba fell short in her attempt to break the women's 5,000 record -- set last year at the meet -- finishing in 14:35.67.

Jarred Rome won the men's discus with a toss of 219-3. Becky Breisch took the women's discus with a toss of 203-3. Giovanni Lanaro of Mexico won the men's pole vault, clearing 18-8.25.

 Reebok Grand Prix - New York City, NY (USA)
Saturday, June 02, 2007
 
Last Updated: 04:16:50 CET 03/06/2007
 
 Official Result - Revised
Men - 100 Metres
Wind: +2.2 m/s 
Pos   Athlete Nat Mark   Pts
 
1   Gay Tyson USA 9.76   10
2   Atkins Derrick BAH 9.83   8
3   Crawford Shawn USA 9.96   7
4   Thomas Dwight JAM 10.08   6
5   Scott Leonard USA 10.10   5
6   Mullings Steve JAM 10.15   4
7   Blanton DaBryan USA 10.16   3
8   Phillips Dwight USA 10.25   2
9   Kimmons Trell USA 10.25     
 

 
 

14
http://www.iaaf.org/news/Kind=2/newsId=38669.html
Watkins wins Long Jump and High Jump


Trinidad & Tobago's Rhonda Watkins, a UCLA sophomore, became the first woman in Pac-10 history to win the Long Jump and the High Jump in the same season.

The 2006 World Junior Long Jump champion won the Long Jump with a wind-aided 6.62m and the High Jump with a career-best 1.84m. And Watkins did so competing in both events simultaneously. Watkins was in such a rush that she didn’t get a chance to change from her High Jump spikes for her final attempt in the Long Jump.


15
Jokes / Little Johnny
« on: April 30, 2007, 09:19:31 AM »
Little Johnny was at school one morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
 
All the typical answers came out, mechanic, construction worker, salesman, Company CEO, policeman, bank manager, lawyer, etc, but Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet.

So the  teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a nightclub and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly give the other children some work and took little Johnny aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Johnny, "He is on the West Indies World Cup team, but I was just too embarrassed to say."

 

16
Jokes / West Indies Cricket Quiz
« on: April 17, 2007, 07:07:50 AM »
The 2008 W.I. Cricket Quiz for Secondary Schools

 
Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to thetoilet?
A: The entire West Indies Innings   

Q: Where do West Indian batsmen perform their best?
A: In Advertisements   

Q: When would Marlon Samuels or Chris Gayle have 100 runs against their name?
A: When they're bowling   

Q: What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by West Indian batsmen?
A: The walk back to the pavilion   

Q: How to increase the chances of West Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?
A: Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.   

Q: What is the West Indian version of a hat-trick?
A: 3 runs in 3 balls   

Q: What is the height of optimism?
A: Dwayne Smith coming out to bat and applying sunscreen on his face

17
What about Track & Field / Ato quits, heads to Saudi Arabia
« on: April 12, 2007, 06:30:25 AM »
Ato quits, heads to Saudi Arabia

Kimberly Mackhan

Trinidad Express

Thursday, April 12th 2007
 

 
 Olympic medal winner Ato Boldon resigned from the Senate yesterday to pursue a career as a track and field coach for the Saudi Arabian national sprint team.

He said that he would not be returning to politics in the near future.

"Much has been written and speculated about questioning my next move, let me tell you what I have. This morning I agreed to become the coach for the Saudi Arabian national sprint team.

"My broadcast deal is not finalised. My broadcast deal at this point is not with ESPN. It is not with NBC," Boldon said at a press conference in Committee Room #3 of the Red House yesterday.

"The Saudi Arabian contractual agreement, what it does mean is that this is my first step in taking a step to being a major track and field coach," he said.

Boldon was sworn in on February 14, 2006.

"For three years, since my retirement I have been trying to avoid staying in track and field. I have kept my passion going with my website and with my broadcast career. I am going to be on CBS for the remainder of this year, in several capacities, that does not change with CBS but my long-term, my permanent deal in terms of a broadcast form is not going to happen later and when it is 100 per cent done we will let you know," Boldon said.
 

18
General Discussion / Manning vs Bro. Michael
« on: April 08, 2007, 06:14:32 AM »
PM tells Sharon: Probe Bro Michael
 
     
BY KAYODE JAMES
 
Trinidad Guardian
 



Prime Minister Patrick Manning is challenging controversial former PNM member Dr Sharon Gopaul-McNichol to research the background of her fellow Congress of the People member, Bro Michael Samuel.

Addressing supporters at Aranguez Secondary School after a party walkabout in the area, Manning criticised Gopaul-McNichol for stirring up internal turmoil for the PNM in the constituency.

Gopaul-McNichol made headlines last year, when she alleged that the PNM office in St Joseph had covered up several instances of sexual molestation by high-profile party members.

Manning challenged her to investigate the former principal of Presentation College in San Fernando, and to submit a report to COP political leader Winston Dookeran in two weeks.

“Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Enough said.”

Manning did not explain why he believed Bro Michael should be investigated, but the audience laughed and cheered in approval in response to his suggestion.

Manning is a graduate of Presentation College, San Fernando.

In an immediate response, Gopaul-McNichol in turn challenged Manning to release the findings of his investigations into alleged cases of sexual abuse in the PNM’s St Joseph office.

“Why must I research Bro Michael quite in the south, when I have these problems right here in my constituency?”

Gopaul-McNichol dismissed Manning’s accusations, saying she had tried to save, rather than destroy, the beleaguered constituency office, after several high-ranking PNM officials, including current Minister of Security Martin Joseph, failed to manage it competently.

Successful walkabout

“I am the person who had the courage to unravel it and take it on.

“He should be thanking me for having the courage to take on these things that they have covered up for the last 20 years.”

Gopaul-McNichol added that if Manning had information on Bro Michael, he should give it to the authorities.

Manning enjoyed a positive reception during his afternoon walk, which started on Nanan Trace with an entourage that included his wife and Minister of Education Hazel Manning, Minister of Trade and Industry Kenneth Valley, Minister of Culture and Development Joan Yuille-Williams, Minister of Science, Technology and Tertiary Education Mustapha Abdul-Hamid and Minister of Tourism Howard Chin Lee.

At least 300 supporters from the area flanked the PM, who shook hands with dozens of residents, kissed babies, hugged children and promised a renewed approach to the area.

Except for a handful of frustrated motorists who refused to wind down their windows to shake Manning’s hand, Aranguez residents welcomed the event.

While most seemed pleased to simply meet Manning, many others pleaded for help with the poor drainage in the area.

At one point during the walkabout, the stench emanating from the stagnant, mossy drains was overwhelming.

Manning addressed the concerns later by discussing planned reforms in local government systems, which he said would manage more efficiently community issues.

Manning gave no hint of the election date, but said party members would soon be responsible for going out and preaching the gospel of the PNM.

Manning also dismissed allegations of discrimination in several recent high-profile State prosecutions, saying that the Government was only doing what it considered to be moral.

“It has nothing to do with race; it has nothing to do with class... or who you are, it has only to do with the PNM adhering to its principles of morality in public office.”

19
2007 WNBA DRAFT, ROUND 3

PICK TEAM SELECTION
27 Chicago Sky  Jenna Rubino, F, DePaul
28 Phoenix Mercury  Leah Rush, F, Oklahoma
29 New York Liberty Martina Webber, C, Iona
30 San Antonio Silver Stars  Nare Diawara, C, Virginia Tech
31 Phoenix Mercury Chrissy Givens, G, Middle Tennessee St.
32 Washington Mystics  Gillian Goring, C, N.C. State
33 Seattle Storm Brandie Hoskins, G, Ohio State
34 Houston Comets  Kristen Newlin, C, Stanford
35 Indiana Fever  Ashley Key, G, N.C. State
36 Sacramento Monarchs  Meg Bulger, F, West Virginia
37 Phoenix Mercury Emily Westerberg, F, Arizona State
38 Los Angeles Sparks Amanda Brown, C, Penn State
39 Connecticut Sun Kiera Hardy, G, Nebraska

20
Cricket Anyone / West Indies vs Pakistan Preview
« on: March 12, 2007, 07:32:21 PM »
West Indies v Pakistan, World Cup, Group D, Jamaica

Expect another World Cup classic

Dileep Premachandran in Jamaica

March 12, 2007


 

Pakistan and West Indies generally don't do boring World Cup games, so the expectant throng that congregates at Sabina Park early on Tuesday morning is well justified in expecting something special from the tournament opener. The last time the two sides met in this competition was eight years ago. On the surface, it was a prosaic game at the County Ground in Bristol, with Pakistan fairly comfortable winners by 27 runs. No one that watched it would ever call it mundane though.

It's a measure of how much Shoaib Akhtar's presence will be missed tomorrow that an otherwise unremarkable game is best remembered for his first delivery, a searing bouncer that Sherwin Campbell could only top-edge over third man for six. With no Shoaib, and no Mohammad Asif - the best young bowler in the world by some distance - Pakistan's attack looks paperweight, but it's exactly in such situations that teams have come to be wary against them.

Rana Naved-ul-Hasan may yet recapture the form that made him such a dangerous one-day performer for a couple of seasons, while both the wretchedly inconsistent Mohammad Sami and the fragile Umar Gul have the pace to hustle the very best. Inconsistency and flattering to deceive have become a motif of this West Indies side as well, so it'll be especially interesting to see which team blinks first when the pressure starts to build.

The pitches have been the subject of much discussion since the teams arrived here, and Andy Roberts for one doesn't believe that they'll be anything like as turgid as some expect. The surface at Sabina Park has seldom been that docile anyway, with memories still fresh of the bloodbath in the 1975-76 Test against the Indians, and of a remarkable Test last year when Rahul Dravid's sterling batting led India home in a three-day Test on a pitch that was jalapeno-spicy.

That leaves both sides with a selection headache or two. For West Indies, it will most likely mean choosing between the allrounder, Dwayne Smith, and the fast bowler, Daren Powell, while Pakistan will have to plump for either the burgeoning all-round skills of Yasir Arafat or the unpredictable legspin option that Danish Kaneria offers. With a certain Brian Charles Lara in the opposition, Kaneria's place may well be on the dressing-room bench.



Both teams rely heavily on the top order. If Chris Gayle and Shivnarine Chanderpaul can provide some sort of platform for Lara and Ramnaresh Sarwan, West Indies are eminently capable of toppling anyone. But when Gayle fails, it appears to have a deflating effect on those that follow. Pakistan would have noted his recent travails against Ajit Agarkar, and he should expect an early delivery or two shaping into his pads.

Pakistan's opening woes have been voluminously documented. Shahid Afridi's two-match ban eliminates one interesting option, and after suggestions that Younis Khan would be asked to shore things up against the new ball, it now appears as though the duo of Mohammad Hafeez and Imran Nazir will be given another opportunity. Younis, Mohammad Yousuf and Inzamam-ul-Haq form the bulwark, and will need to be careful against the medium pace of Ian Bradshaw and Corey Collymore. Neither comes from the great West Indies tradition of express fast bowlers, but both are canny customers adept at putting the ball on a sixpence and waiting for the mistake.

Having played out classics at Edgbaston (1975, when Roberts and Deryck Murray guided West Indies home) and Lahore (1987, when Courtney Walsh famously refused to run out Salim Jaffer), supporters on both sides will only hope that the match isn't a reprise of that quite bizarre game in 1992, when Rameez Raja stodged his way to a century and then saw Desmond Haynes return the compliment with a painstaking 93 as only two wickets fell in the 50 overs. West Indies, though, won't mind a repeat of the result, a crushing ten-wicket triumph.

West Indies (likely) 1 Chris Gayle, 2 Shivnarine Chanderpaul, 3 Ramnaresh Sarwan, 4 Brian Lara (capt), 5 Marlon Samuels, 6 Dwayne Bravo, 7 Dwayne Smith, 8 Denesh Ramdin (wk), 9 Ian Bradshaw, 10 Jerome Taylor, 11 Corey Collymore.

Pakistan (likely) 1 Mohammad Hafeez, 2 Imran Nazir, 3 Younis Khan, 4 Mohammad Yousuf, 5 Inzamam-ul-Haq (capt), 6 Shoaib Malik, 7 Kamran Akmal (wk), 8 Rana Naved-ul-Hasan, 9 Yasir Arafat, 10 Mohammad Sami, 11 Umar Gul.

Dileep Premachandran is features editor of Cricinfo

© Cricinfo


21
Football / Where can i find info on players' salaries?
« on: March 11, 2007, 12:41:03 PM »
I need info on the top 10 football players in terms of earnings for 2006 (salaries, endorsements, etc.), i found a sports illustrated article where they list the top 20 non us money makers but there are only 6 football players on that list.  I would appreciate if anyone can assist me in locating this info.

Thanks very much.

22
Cricket Anyone / Pollard in World Cup Squad
« on: February 12, 2007, 08:18:20 PM »
Pollard in Windies World Cup team


BY VINODE MAMCHAN


Trinidad Guardian

NEW T&T batting sensation Kieron Pollard has been included in the West Indies team for the International Cricket Council (ICC), Cricket World Cup.

Pollard,19, who has been in tremendous form this season, with two centuries and a half century in the Carib Beer series and two half centuries in the KFC Cup, joins fellow Trinidadians, skipper Brian Lara, all-rounder Dwayne Bravo and wicketkeeper Denesh Ramdin on the regional team for the tournament.

Pollard has scored 390 runs at 48.75 in the Carib Beer series and 212 runs at 53.00 in the KFC Cup limited overs championships.

A source close to the team told G-Sport yesterday that the players have been contacted by the West Indies Cricket Board (WICB) to make themselves available for a training camp ahead of the tournament.

The source added that the West Indies team has already been sent to the International Cricket Council (ICC) to meet today’s deadline.

World Cup participants must reveal their squads for the tournament today. Warm-up matches start March 5.

The West Indies team is expected to include, in addition to the Trinidad players, Guyanese Shivnarine Chanderpaul and Ramnaresh Sarwan, Barbados’ allrounder Dwayne Smith, pacers Corey Collymore, Ian Bradshaw and Pedro Collins, Jamaicans Jerome Taylor, Chris Gayle, Marlon Samuels and Darren Powell, and West Indies ‘A’ team captain Sylvester Joseph, who has been in prolific form this season.

Allrounders Gayle and Samuels will be entrusted with the spin bowling responsibility.

Samuels has been named in a match-fixing affair in India, but sources say the case against him is weak.

WICB president Ken Gordon said last Friday that the board has no position on the matter and at this point, it is presumed that Samuels is ‘clean’.

Nagpur Police reported to the Indian board that Samuels was taped in conversion with alleged bookmaker Mukesh Kochar.

The West Indies are in group D and will play preliminary round matches in Jamaica, against Pakistan, Ireland and Zimbabwe.

23
Jokes / Jokes
« on: December 18, 2006, 07:34:36 AM »
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And wellworth the wait!  An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doingconstruction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,"Corned beef and cabbage! 
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time forlunch, I'm going to jump off this building." 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again!  If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off,too." 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I 'mjumping too." 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box,saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, andj umped, too.

 The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaand jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage,I never would have given it to him again!" 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."     

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.The blonde's wife said,"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."









Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
 Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

24
General Discussion / Scholarship Opportunities in Atlanta
« on: December 17, 2006, 08:54:02 AM »
Forumites,

If you are interested in pursuing an MBA degree, I am aware of some opportunities and can provide a good link.

Some basic details:
1) MBA offered in areas such as Finance, Marketing, Accounting and Supply Chain/Operations Research.
2) Prorperly accredited school in Atlanta.
3) Full scholarships available, approximately value is $40,000 US (2 year program).
4) Fortune 500 companies recruit at this school.

If you are interested and want more details please pm me or email academic.scholarships@gmail.com

Right now, I can't promise more than 3 scholarships to Trinis so the earlier you contact me the better are your chances.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all forumites.

Real Madness.

P.S. Please pass the information on to people who may be interested.


25
Jokes / Is computer masculine or feminine
« on: December 15, 2006, 10:31:24 AM »
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better mode

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Needless to say, the men won.

26
Jokes / Four Cats
« on: November 26, 2006, 01:30:49 PM »
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats  were.

      
      The first man was an Engineer,
      
      the second man was an Accountant,
      
      the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and
      
      the fourth man was a Government Employee.
      
      To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
      
      "T-square, do your stuff."
      
      T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
      
      paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
      
      and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
      
      But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
      
      He called his cat and said,
      
      "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
      
      Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
      
      with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles

      
      of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.
      
      But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
      
      cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff." 
      
      Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of
      
      milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

      
      exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

      
      Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
      
      Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
      
      and said, "What can your cat do?"
      
      The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,
      
      "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."
      
      CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,\
      
         
      
      ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
                                         

      
      drank the milk,,,,,,,,,
      
      
      
      
      shit on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
      
      
      
      screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
      
          
      claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
      
      
      
      filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
      
               
      
      put in for Workers Compensation...............and
      
                   
      
      went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
      
                               
      

27
Jokes / The centipede
« on: November 26, 2006, 01:26:56 PM »
THE CENTIPEDE
>>>
>>>
>>>This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he
>>>had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he
>>>wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally
>>>bought a centipede (100-legged crawler), which came in a little
>>>white box to use for his house.
>>>
>>>He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
>>>decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have
>>>a drink.
>>>
>>>So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
>>>Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from
>>>his new pet.
>>>
>>>This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
>>>him again, "How about goin g to the bar and having a drink with me?"
>>>
>>>But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
>>>waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided
>>>to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the
>>>centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go
>>>
>>>Frank's place and have a drink with me?
>>>
>>>
>>>

>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A little voice came out of the box...........

>>>"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on."

28
Jokes / Don't drink too much
« on: November 06, 2006, 06:56:09 PM »
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking Buddy, Mick. 
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife,Brigid.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
leading to their Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
 
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his
pants,and looked in the hall mirror to see that his
butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. 
He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could  on each
place he saw blood. 
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
 
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in
both his head and butt with Brigid staring at him from
across the room.
 
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you
Paddy?" 
 
Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
 
"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the
stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot  eyes,
but mostly....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on
the hall mirror."


29
What about Track & Field / Aaron Armstrong under financial pressure
« on: July 12, 2006, 11:43:44 PM »
'Honour your promise'

Aaron Armstrong under financial pressure, says dad

Kwame Laurence klaurence@trinidadexpress.com


Thursday, July 13th 2006

 
 
 "Aaron is down, very down. I had to encourage him to keep fighting... to attend the CAC Games in Colombia."

Ainsley Armstrong, father of national 200 metres champion Aaron Armstrong, is "calling on the authorities to honour their verbal agreement" to provide his son with financial assistance.

"Since making the national team for the 2005 World Championships in Helsinki, Finland, he was promised money from the elite athlete assistance programme. He never got a cent, and continues to get promises that 'the money is coming'.

"Aaron could have gone to Europe to run on the circuit," the elder Armstrong continued, "but his schedule is for national duty... track is his job, but he isn't making any money.

"He has given up about US$40,000 since he started running for the country. I do want to say though that he's grateful for the assistance he got from the TTOC (Trinidad and Tobago Olympic Committee) for the Commonwealth Games, and he'll get help for CAC as well."

Ainsley, a top T&T sprinter in the 1970s, told the Daily Express Aaron is having difficulty sustaining himself.

"He has coaches to pay, medical expenses. And it's the same thing with Kevon Pierre. He has also been promised assistance, but has not received any money."

Pierre ran the lead-off leg for T&T in the men's 4x100m relay at the World Championships last year. He combined with Marc Burns, Jacey Harper and Darrel Brown for silver in 38.10 seconds, a new national record.

The younger Armstrong was born in the United States, but opted to represent the land of his father's birth. Kerron Clement, on the other hand, was born in T&T but chose to compete for the US. Clement is at the top of the 2006 performance list in the men's 400m hurdles at 47.39 seconds.

"If shown some encouragement," Ainsley declared, "there are athletes out in the US who would run for T&T. There'll be another Clement coming up, another Armstrong coming up."
 

30
Jokes / Leroy at the white party
« on: July 04, 2006, 05:34:10 PM »
A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women.

 At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!" The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master. The water was churning and splashing in the struggle. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was staring in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "I don't want it," said Leroy, panting. The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something! You won the bet."

 Leroy said, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white motherf**kers it was that pushed me in the pool."

Pages: [1] 2 3