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« on: February 02, 2008, 08:47:54 PM »
I got this in an email so I eh sure whey it come from, no sources available except what listed below.
In this weeks news we bring you an article straight from the 1950's when racial profiling was all the rage. I think. Either way, people were a lot less sensitive back then and the world was a better place as long as you did not work in a coal mine or mill. So Laramie cigarettes brings you Dr. Adolpho Van Nostrum's guide to football players of different ethnicities.
The Italian player.
The Italian player is blessed with sublime skill. He invariably wears a headband and usually has the look of a runway model (male). He is brilliant at defending due to his army training of running backwards. He has cash stuffed down his shorts to bribe every official imaginable, but since they are all doing it, it negates the effect and no one complains. Sucks his thumb after scoring a spectacular goal, or getting tackled and crying. Must avoid flying mopeds from fans and plays in stadiums that hold 75,000 people but only 15,000 show up.
The German player.
A humourless player, usually hard in the tackle, tactically superb with blond hair. The German player always plays crap, but manages to win somehow. Great at counterattacking or "blitzkrieging" as the German national coach puts it. Prone to diving when in a position to score, he never misses a penalty or the chance to invade another teams territory. Usually plays within his own league, but keeps an eye out for weaknesses in leagues around him.
The Portuguese player.
Fast, skilful and emotional, the Portuguese player is blessed with good looks, hair with more gel in it than a Florida Keys hairdressing convention and the ability to fall over at the drop of a feather. The nearly men of world football, they have reached the semi finals of many a competition, but are let down by a fine temper that is caused by realizing that their beautiful wives and girlfriends will develop a moustache just like Mum.
The French Player.
Usually not from France, the best French players have an arrogance about them which is puzzling. They may be black, white, Middle Eastern, but are never actually from France. They are very skilful, but lack the emotion of the Italian player and more importantly, the good looks. Prone to outbursts of violence at the most inappropriate times (DeGaul head butted the 89th Italian Prime Minister at a church once) They have been successful lately winning the World and European championships 10 years ago. Now they lose to Scotland but still have a swagger about them. Useless at goalkeeping, but their African defenders are world class. As are their African midfielders and Algerian forwards.
The Scottish player.
Absolutely useless, the Scottish player is 5'4'' tall, has red hair, runs around very fast doing nothing and speaks a language that only whales can half understand. There are only two teams in the whole of Scotland, but only 2 Scotsmen play on them. They can kick the ball very far and up until last week only employed blind men in goal. They can beat France, but lose regularly to the Faroe Islands. This is down to the fact that there are lots of fountains in Paris and the Scottish association can find many a drunk Scot in them to play at the drop of a penny. Which they never give back.
The American Player.
New to the scene, the American player is usually brash and confident with big muscles. However, as soon as an Asian player tackles them, they fold up and go home. Not blessed with a lot of skill, they do produce very good goalkeepers. This is due to trying to juggle a gun while stuffing their faces with fast food.
The African Player. Of course there are many countries in Africa, but their football players share a lot of the same characteristics. The African player is massively built, powerful and fast. They have some skill too, which means a World Cup win very soon. However, they are prone to witchcraft and will not play until a goat has been sacrificed behind the goal. They love the game and think nothing of lobbing off the head of opponents. But it is all in good fun until someone adds eye of newt to a pregame drink and they are all struck by lightning.
The English Player.
The English player will run through a brick wall to win the ball. Alas, too many of them have literally done this and are now so dumb they think that great literature is Ashley Cole's autobiography "How I gotted her preggers". Not very skilful, the English player believes he has a divine right to win every World cup. Historically, the game in England is superior to all other leagues but this is due to every ground in the land being built at the end of the street where pit/mill/factory is. Thus millions turn up to watch, making the English players the richest on the planet. English players will run all day, sometimes when a game is on as well.
The Brazilian Player
The best in the world without a doubt. Pretty good at football too, the Brazilian player is amazingly skilful. They can sleep with 28 women in one night at Carnival and still get up the next day and beat Germany in the World Cup. Ugly as sin, Brazilians have to be good at football as nothing else ever works in their country. Brazilian players play to their own beat and have sex every 2.8 seconds, sometimes with women. Pele, the worlds best ever player, has 956 children in Sao Paulo alone.
Paul Grimes, Director of Fossils and Antique Footballers, Real Ale Madrid Museum of Barnyard Oddities.
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