Topics

1

Jokes / Terrible joke

« on: November 14, 2007, 02:01:40 PM »

A man joins an order of monks that had a vow of almost complete silence, that is, they were allowed to say two words every ten years.  Afterr ten years the man went in to see his boss monk.  The Boss monk said "What two words would you like to say?"  the man said "Bed broken"

Ten years later he went into see the boss monk again.  "What two words would you like to say this time?" The man replied "Still broken"

Ten years later the man went into see the boss monk "What two words would you like to say?"

The man replied "I'm quitting"

"Thank Christ for that" said the boss monk "You've done nowt but complain since you've been here"


Sorry about that.  You can shoot me if you want and I wouldn't blame you.   

2

Jokes / Here's one for you truckers/ long distance lorry drivers

« on: November 01, 2007, 04:17:11 PM »

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!

The Madam is astonished. But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.

The trucker replies: Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick.


Once again, sorry if it's been told before.
__________________

3

Jokes / Another one from merry old england

« on: November 01, 2007, 04:15:51 PM »

There was once a man who loved tractors.  In fact he loved them so much he had one in every room in his house!
One day he proposed to his very understanding girlfriend, who ageed, provided he got rid of his beloved tractors.
He reluctantly agreed, they got married and went on honeymoon.  Whilst away they went into a very smokey bar and not wanting his new wife to be breathing in all this smoke he took in one big breath, walked outside and released all the smoke into the air.
An onlooker watched in amazement,went up to the man and asked him how he had managed to do such a thing.
Oh, it was easy said the man, I'm an ex tractor fan

4

Jokes / Hello all you good Trinis. Heres a joke from Merry England

« on: November 01, 2007, 04:13:26 PM »

A man goes out shooting.  Very soon he spots a deer, takes aim and shoots it.  Eventually he takes it home,chops it up and cooks some of it.  Later, when his family are sitting around the table he brings in the dinner plates.  One of his young children points at the meat and asks "What's that?" His father replies "I'll give you a clue, thinks of something that your mather calls me"
The son thinks and then pulls his face and says " I'm not eating arsehole"


SORRY IF IT'S BEEN TOLD BEFORE

5

Jokes / The latest Trini Technology

« on: January 26, 2007, 01:26:51 AM »

If it's been told before then please ignore it. 


An american, a Japanese and a Trini were in a sauna together when there was the sound of a beep beep beep.  The Japanese man then rubbed his wrist and put his finger in his ear.  After a few minutes he took it out again.  The Trini said, 'What was that?  The Japanese man said that it was the latest Japanese technology he had a pager implanted in his finger tip so that when it goes of he rubs his wrist which starts the message and in my finger is the speaker." 

A few minutes later another sound, this time the sound of a telephone ringing.  The Yank then presses his knee then puts his thumb to his ear and his little finger to his mouth, then he started speaking.  Ten minutes later the Trini said "What's that?"  The Yank said that it was the latest american technology.  I have an ear piece in my thumb and a mic in my little finger and a lttle chip in my knee so that when someone wants to call me I press my knee and that answers the call and I can speak to them through my hand" 

The Japanese man and the Yank by this time are looking down on this Trini man.  He, meanwhile has an idea.  He excuses himself for a few minutes and leaves the sauna.  Two minutes later he returns and sits down in silence.  Five minutes later the Trini stands up and bends over to pick his towel up.  The Yank see some toilet paper sticking out of the Trinis ass.  "What's that?" He said.  The Trinis turns around and said " The Latest Trini technology,  I have a fax machine implanted in me....."

6

Jokes / I've been away for a while.

« on: January 25, 2007, 12:38:49 AM »

Good to be back.  This has probably been posted about 6 times on this site but never mind.

Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade specially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Geography of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

7

Jokes / Humour from the Edinburgh Fringe

« on: November 01, 2006, 05:15:21 PM »

'I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.'
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

'Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.'
Jimmy Carr

'The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to Arm bears.'
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

'My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.'
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

'The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.'
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

'My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.'
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

'Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind People were given pointed sticks?'
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

'My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.'
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

'You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
Because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

'I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
the Girl out of Cork...........'
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

'Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.'
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

'Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be
Both a winner and a loser at the same time.'
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

'A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

'Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.'
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

'It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.'
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

'I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm
not very good at it.'
Arnold Brown at The Stand

'If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.'
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

8

Jokes / The All Blacks New Zealand Rugby Team doing the Haka

« on: October 27, 2006, 12:07:20 PM »

9

Jokes / Does anyone know the end of this joke?

« on: October 22, 2006, 09:15:55 AM »

A married couple both aged 62 were sitting down watching the television when there was a small flash of light and a fairy appeared.  'I grant you one wish each' said the fairy

The old lady wished that she and her husband could see the world.  The fairy flicked her wand and woosh there appeared two tickets for a world cruise.

'And now your wish' said the fairy to the old man

He looked at his wife and said 'I'm sorry dear' then he turned to the fairy and  said 'I would like a wife who is 30 years younger than me'

The fairy flicked her wand and woosh the old man became 92.

The moral of this story is...    erm  I've forgotten it but it's something about the fairy being female and something else.

Port Vale lost again yesterday and it's affected my joke telling.

10

Jokes / Virgin

« on: October 05, 2006, 01:01:22 PM »

In a tiny village on the coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request.

For days, he agonised over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed, duly engraved, and read :

RETURNED UNOPENED

11

Jokes / Catholic parrots

« on: October 05, 2006, 10:51:09 AM »

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have 2 female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing.”

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say "Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know" he said "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your 2 parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Jacob and Aaron. My parrots can then teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you" the woman responded "this may very well be the solution."

The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in she saw that his 2 male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Getting over the shock of it all one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away Jacob, our prayers have been answered!"

12

Jokes / don't read this joke, it's awful

« on: September 29, 2006, 01:52:05 PM »

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

13

Jokes / My name's Bond.............

« on: September 22, 2006, 12:18:31 PM »

 A lad who fancies himself goes to a night club and looks around the dance floor to find the most prettiest girl.  He sees one then he walks over to her and says
' Hello, my name's Bond'
'James Bond?' she replied exitedly
'No, Uni Bond, I want to fill your crack'


I am hoping that you have this product in Trinidad otherwise this joke aint funny

14

Jokes / Why goalkeepers shouldn't take penalties.

« on: September 19, 2006, 10:50:24 PM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mOiHzosj5E

15

Jokes / Good dead of the day

« on: September 16, 2006, 03:13:23 PM »

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

16

Jokes / Zebras

« on: September 15, 2006, 01:46:43 PM »

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

17

Jokes / Our local Rivals

« on: September 09, 2006, 12:08:22 PM »

At the other end of our City of Stoke on Trent is another football Club by the name of Stoke City.  The football that they play is so diabolical that their fans normally end up doing this.....  See video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-IPkH_tz1o

18

Jokes / Are there any farmers on here?

« on: September 01, 2006, 02:43:54 PM »

After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.

After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

19

Jokes / First one for a while. If it's been posted before I apologise.

« on: August 31, 2006, 12:03:27 PM »

Following a nasty car accident, a man's wife slips into a coma. After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's amazing" says the Doctor, breathlessly. "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched."
The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do. "Well," says the doc, "if one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too." So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits. Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the doctor, waiting outside. "Excellent!" he says. "If she responds like that to your finger, I think you should try oral sex." Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room. "What happened?" shouts the doctor, as he checks the prone woman's pulse. "I'm not sure," replies the man, looking sheepish. "I think she choked."

20

Football / To any Port Vale Fans on here

« on: August 24, 2006, 03:01:55 PM »

I know that Me Mum is now with Coventry which means that Port Vale do not now have a connection with Trinidad and Tobago which also means that there may be a few Trinis who no longer follow Vale's results but for those that are still interested I would like to inform them that Port Vale have won their first five games of the season, four in the league and one in the Mickey Mouse Cup (it used to be called the League Cup but with different sponsers over the years  it has been called all kinds of names)  We are all in a state of shock, well I am anyway.   We are top of our league.  At first I thought the league table was upside down because I couldn't believe that we were on top.

I just hope we keep up the momentum and I hope that all you good Trini people will give us a shout and visit onevalefan and give us good messages of support because we know that the Players visit the site and with messages from Trinis it will give them more confidence as they will be infected by the soca warrior spirit.

Love from PortValeChris AKA trent_vale_valiant

21

Jokes / A First World War joke

« on: August 21, 2006, 01:01:01 PM »

At the start of World War One, a father approaches his son to explain he has to go to fight for his country. Nodding, his son asks that on his return could he bring back a souvenir from the battlefields – perhaps a German helmet. ‘You know,’ says the boy, ‘One with a spike on top.’ And so, weeks later the man is out on the mud-soaked fields of Flanders, when he spies a German helmet lying in the mud. Bending down to pick it up, he finds it stuck fast; as he grasps the spike for a better grip, he realizes there is a German soldier still attached underneath. ‘Bitte, pull me out,’ says the soldier, through the grime. ‘If I pull you out,’ says the Brit, ‘can I have your helmet for my son?’ ‘Ja – be my guest!’ comes the German’s cheerful reply. And so, with great effort, he begins to pull the soldier from the ground. But, after half an hour, he’s still only managed to get him up to his waist. ‘I’m bloody knackered,’ he says, catching his breath. ‘Vud it help,’ replies the German soldier, ‘Iff I took my feet out of der stirrups?

22

Jokes / Evil

« on: August 17, 2006, 05:08:32 PM »

Driving his car through the countryside, a middle-aged man spots a naked youth with his arms tied around the trunk of a tree. The driver slows and winds his window down and he hears the naked lad wailing for help. After looking around to check he's not getting into some sort of trap, he gets out of his car to investigate. ‘Oh, thank God!’ the young man cries. ‘I've had a terrible day!’ ‘I can see that,’ says the driver, noticing the bruises and whip-marks on the young man's back. ‘What on earth happened to you?’ ‘Well,’ moans the young man, ‘I was driving along when I saw this young woman in a pair of cut-offs and a bra hitch-hiking. I stopped to give her a lift, and as soon as I jumped out to put her rucksack in the boot two enormous blokes jumped out of the undergrowth, stripped me, tied me up and beat me, stole all my belongings and drove off in my car.’ ‘Oh dear, gorgeous,’ says the driver, unbuckling his belt. ‘It's just not your day, is it?’

23

Jokes / By far the greatest magician I have ever seen. Enjoy lads and lezzas.

« on: August 17, 2006, 04:42:48 PM »

http://www.bertrand-soulier.com/2006/08/04/magicienne-nue/

24

Jokes / Silence in court!!!

« on: August 14, 2006, 03:41:08 PM »

Having heard from the jury, the judge asked the accused serial killer to stand. ‘You have been found guilty of murdering your postman with a hedge strimmer,’ he said, sternly. ‘You lying bastard!’ screamed a man in the gallery, leaping to his feet. The judge stared in astonishment, before turning back to the killer to continue with his verdict: ‘You are also guilty of killing a housewife with a garden fork.’ ‘You miserable shit!’ yelled the man, again leaping to his feet. ‘Sir,’ the judge said, ‘I am seconds away from charging you with bringing the court into disrepute. Kindly explain your outrageous interruptions.’ ‘I lived next door to that bastard for 20 years,’ the man snarled, ‘and did he ever have a garden tool when I needed one?’

25

Jokes / I'll have to try this when my daughter uses a taxi cab or something

« on: August 14, 2006, 03:35:56 PM »

Two young travellers are braving their way across Mexico behind the wheel of an old van, when they come across a group of bandits standing behind a roadblock. The head honcho walks around to the door, sticks a gun into their faces and says, ‘Start masturbating, gringos!’ Shocked, but fearing for their lives, the pair duly oblige – and, despite the stress, manage to perform. As soon as they finish, the bandit chief leans in and demands: ‘Again!’ They manage a repeat performance, but are then told to continue until, tired and sore, the pair are physically incapable of another erection. ‘Good work,’ smiles the toothless Mexican as a dark figure emerges from the trees. ‘Now drive my sister to the nearest town.’

26

Jokes / Open Question

« on: August 08, 2006, 04:44:19 PM »

A couple of newlyweds are strolling along the beach one morning on honeymoon in Australia. Suddenly the husband spots a fat woman, stark naked, sitting legs akimbo, gorging herself on a fresh watermelon. Excited, he imagines his wife in the same position, and asks her if she would like to feel the sea breeze wafting between her legs? The wife looks at him in disgust. The next day, they take the same walk, and sure enough the naked woman is there again slobbering over a slice of watermelon. Unperturbed by his wife’s earlier refusal, the husband asks again if his bride would like to adopt the large woman’s stance and feel the cool air circulate against her fanny? Again, she declines. This happens everyday for two weeks, until the very last day, when yet again they spot the naked, fat woman. ‘Don’t you want to know how it feels to have your privates cooled by the salty air?’ the husband enquires. And again his missus gets the hump. ‘Well, if you’re not prepared to try it, why don’t you ask her how it feels and see if she can persuade you?’ Reluctantly his wife agrees and walks over to the open-legged bloater. ‘Er, excuse me, but my husband and I were wondering how it must feel to have the sea breeze wafting over your vagina?’ she asked nervously. ‘Ah, strewth, I don’t know,’ says the woman. ‘But it sure keeps the flies off my watermelon.’

27

Jokes / Domestic economics

« on: August 08, 2006, 04:42:29 PM »

A newly married couple get their first taste of financial hardship when, one day, the husband comes home, and announces he's redundant. Being a proud man and believing that he should always support his wife, his pride is somewhat hurt. His wife, however, assures him that he still loves him, and that things will get better. Unfortunately they do not, and when the wife suggests that perhaps she should try to find a job, the husband humbly agrees. But things are not well in jobland, and soon the wife realizes that the only option left to her is to go on the game. She assures her husband that it is merely a job, and will not affect their relationship. Soon after placing some ads in the local phone boxes, the wife receives her first prospective client. The husband agrees to wait upstairs whilst the client comes round and conducts his business with the wife in the couple's lounge. The visitor is eager to know how much it costs for ‘the full works’, and in her nervousness the wife has completely forgotten to discuss prices with her husband. She dashes upstairs and asks him. ‘Twenty quid,’ he replies. The visitor appears disappointed at this news, claiming he has only got £7. So he asks what he could get for that. The wife dashes upstairs again. ‘He's only got £7, what should we do?’ she asks. ‘Tell him he can have a hand job for that, but no more,’ replies the desperate husband. The client seems delighted at what the wife has to tell him when she returns, and drops his pants to reveal a huge long cock that is the best-looking specimen the wife has ever seen. Instantly, she runs upstairs to her husband yet again. ‘What's the matter now?’ he asks. The wife replies, ‘Can you lend me £13?’

28

Jokes / Well, she would ask.

« on: August 05, 2006, 01:09:39 PM »

From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about his past. ‘Come on, tell me,’ she asks again, ‘how many women have you slept with?’ ‘Pet, ‘ he says, ‘if I told you, you’d just get angry.’ ‘No, I promise I won’t,’ she begs. ‘Well, If you insist. Let’s see. One … two … three … four … you … six … seven …’

29

Jokes / An incident in a pub

« on: August 04, 2006, 06:51:01 AM »

In their local pub, a man and a woman are having a pint. When the man goes to the toilet, another man sits in his seat and starts chatting to the woman. ‘I'm going to shag you here and now,’ proclaims the man. ‘No you won't – I'll get my husband,’ she replies. ‘And then,’ continues the man, ‘I'm going to strip you naked and lick your body.’ ‘When my husband gets back, he'll kill you!’ she warns. ‘And once that's over with, I'm going to fill your pussy up with beer and then drink it through a straw!’ ‘Right, that does it!’ she yells, running off to get her husband. A few minutes later, she returns with him and explains what the pest had said. ‘He said he was going to shag me,’ cries the lady while her husband takes off his coat. ‘And then he said he wanted to lick my naked body,’ she sobs as her husband rolls up his sleeves. ‘And worst of all, he said he was going to fill my pussy with beer and drink it all up through a straw!’ At this, the man rolls his sleeves down, puts his coat back on and heads for the door. ‘What are you doing?’ protests the woman. To which the man replies, ‘I'm not fighting anyone who can drink that much beer!’

30

Jokes / Slip of the tongue

« on: July 31, 2006, 04:24:33 PM »

A guy is talking to his friend and says, ‘Man, I made the most embarrassing mistake yesterday. I went to the airport and the woman behind the counter had these beautiful big breasts, and I asked her for two pickets to Tittsburgh!’ ‘Yeah, I know what you mean,’ his friend replied. ‘Just this morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt and I said ‘BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!’’