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Topics - capodetutticapi

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61
Jokes / A new sign
« on: August 18, 2009, 09:10:50 AM »
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


62
Jokes / Old couple getting married
« on: August 18, 2009, 09:02:41 AM »
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida ,
are all excited about their decision to get married. They
Go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
Pass a
Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

*Jacob: "
Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and
Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and
Sizes."

*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

**Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."


63
Jokes / Man Stories
« on: August 18, 2009, 08:49:10 AM »
1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a Shit".

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


64
Other Sports / V. Klitschko v Arreola
« on: August 11, 2009, 09:48:28 AM »
V. Klitschko to fight Arreola in L.A. on Sept. 26Associated Press
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Vitali Klitschko has agreed to defend his WBC heavyweight title against rising prospect Chris Arreola in Los Angeles on Sept. 26.

Arreola promoter Dan Goossen confirmed details of the much-rumored fight to The Associated Press on Wednesday.
The bout will be the 38-year-old Klitschko's third fight since returning from a layoff of nearly four years to beat Samuel Peter late last year. Klitschko (37-2, 36 KOs) hoped to fight England's David Haye in Germany on Sept. 12, but Haye backed out last month, choosing to fight Nikolai Valuev instead.

So Klitschko agreed to a major fight at Staples Center for the third time in his career. He'll take on Arreola (27-0, 24 KOs), who grew up east of Los Angeles.

Arreola is hoping to become the first Mexican-American fighter to win a major heavyweight title, and Goossen expects a large Southern California crowd supporting both boxers. Klitschko has lived in Los Angeles at times for the past several years.

"I just think it could go through the roof," Goossen said. "I think we're going to pack Staples."

Klitschko, whose brother Wladimir holds the IBF and WBO heavyweight titles, fought Lennox Lewis at Staples Center in June 2003, losing on cuts in the sixth round despite leading the fight on the judges' scorecards. Klitschko then won the WBC title in Los Angeles in 2004, stopping Corrie Sanders.

After one more defense, Klitschko retired and repeatedly scuttled comeback attempts because of injuries and two failed campaigns to become the mayor of Kiev, Ukraine. When he finally returned against Peter, Klitschko had little trouble stopping the champion, who quit on his stool after the eighth round in Germany.

The fight with Arreola came together quickly after Haye dropped out. Arreola had been anticipating a fight against Oleg Maskaev next month, but eagerly seized the chance to take on Klitschko instead.

Arreola informally broke news of the fight to several dozen fans at the Agua Caliente Resort near Palm Springs last weekend while watching Timothy Bradley's victory over Nate Campbell.

"It's going to be big," Arreola told a handful of cheering fans. "I'm going to get that (title), believe it."

65
Jokes / PONDERISMS
« on: August 11, 2009, 07:37:43 AM »
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.. 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

if corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


66
General Discussion / ‘Dead’ baby wakes up for his funeral wake
« on: August 10, 2009, 10:04:04 AM »
Boy born 16 weeks premature taken home after being declared dead

ASUNCION, Paraguay - A baby boy born 16 weeks prematurely was declared dead by doctors at a hospital in Paraguay only to wake up in time for his funeral wake hours later.

Dr. Ernesto Weber, head of pediatric care at the state-run hospital in the capital of Asuncion, said the baby weighed just 500 grams when he was born.

"Initially, the baby didn't move, he practically didn't have any respiratory reflexes, nor did we hear a heartbeat and, as a result, we declared a premature fetus of 24 weeks dead," Weber told Reuters Television.

The family was given a death certificate and a cardboard box with the baby's name scribbled on the outside which served as a makeshift coffin.

But when the family took him from the hospital to prepare him for his funeral, the unbelievable happened.

"I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said "the baby's crying" ... and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared," said one member of the family, Liliana Alvarenga.

Hours after the baby's death had been declared he was found to be alive. The hospital has begun an investigation and the baby is now in a stable condition in an incubator.


67
General Discussion / Russian subs patrolling off East Coast
« on: August 04, 2009, 08:36:29 PM »
WASHINGTON – Two nuclear-powered Russian attack submarines have been patrolling in international waters off the East Coast for several days, in activity reminiscent of the Cold War, defense officials said Tuesday.

U.S. Northern Command would not comment on the Russian submarines' movement. But in a prepared statement, Northern Command spokesman Michael Kucharek acknowledged the patrols and said the U.S. has been monitoring the two submarines.

Two senior U.S. officials, however, said the submarines had been patrolling several hundred miles off the coast and so far had done nothing to provoke U.S. military concerns. The officials provided details on condition of anonymity in order to discuss intelligence reports.

While the incident raises eyebrows, it did not trigger the more intense reaction by the U.S. military that Russia prompted when two of its bombers buzzed an American aircraft carrier in the western Pacific in February 2008. U.S. fighter planes intercepted the two Russian fighters, including one that flew directly over the USS Nimitz twice at an altitude of about 2,000 feet.

The event did not escalate beyond that, but it signaled a more aggressive military agenda by Moscow.

The latest incident, which was first reported by The New York Times, comes amid increased Russian military activity in the region, and as the Obama administration works to thaw tense relations with Moscow over plans for a missile defense system in Central Europe.

Just last week a senior Pentagon official said the administration is looking at options for the plan, which would install 10 interceptors in Poland and a radar system in the Czech Republic. Assistant Secretary of Defense Alexander Vershbow told Congress members that the Obama administration is looking at various configurations as part of its review of missile defense plans.

Russia, meanwhile, conducted naval exercises with Venezuela last year in the Caribbean and sent one of its warships through the Panama Canal for the first time since World War II. The exercises with Venezuela were the first deployment of Russian ships to the Western Hemisphere since the Cold War.

Officials said they became aware of the most recent submarine activity off the East Coast early on through intelligence sources and were not notified by Moscow in advance of the patrols. They said the submarines have not crossed into U.S. waters, which extend 12 miles out into the ocean.

The statement issued by Northern Command and the North American Aerospace Defense Command said, "We have been monitoring them during transit and recognize the right of all nations to exercise freedom of navigation in international waters according to international law."


68
Other Sports / Boxer wants to fight as woman after sex change
« on: August 03, 2009, 11:16:20 AM »
Boxer Rob Newbiggin is preparing for his final bout, but all of his friends are no longer in his corner.

That's because they've all deserted him since learning of his plans for a sex change, he says.

The 44-year-old Southport resident says he'll soon become "Mercedes," as he admitted in an English tabloid.

"The way The Sun treated my story was the complete opposite to what I expected. Maybe I was being naive, but they made me out to be some kind of freak. I should have just spoken to the Visiter," he told the Southport Visiter.

"I have lost every friend I have ever had in the world in this town."

Newbiggin, who has boxed for 20 years and is a former sparring partner of Ricky Hatton, has said he hopes to continue his career in the women's ranks.

Newbiggin says though he has the physical characteristics of a man, he was born with high levels of estrogen that make his gender identity less than clear.

He says that was the reason his adoptive father pushed him toward boxing to begin with.

"My dad said that I had to act like a man because people wouldn't accept me as anything else, so I started boxing at the YMCA at about the age of 12.

"He was trying to protect me. I didn't find out I was adopted until I was 16 and then about how I was born, but then it all starting making sense to me."

In addition to boxing, Newbiggin says he hopes to work as a model after the transformation is complete.

69
Jokes / Wanxiety
« on: August 02, 2009, 10:18:06 PM »
Wanxiety - wank-zy-ety (n) A social condition cause by excessive masturbation or the lack of sexual contact. Wanxiety is commonly found in religious fundamentalists and obsessive gamers.

Symptoms of Wanxiety are Irritability, a one-upmanship desire, chaffing of the hands and genitals. If you find yourself aroused by comic book characters or traditional anime you may suffer from wanxiety. Sufferers of wanxiety should seek out immediate sexual assistance i.e. girlfriend, boyfriend, one-night stand or (in the most extreme case) a paid sex worker.

Wanxienty effects 1 in 10 people ages 14 - 35, in most cases the victims are male, but there have been women know to suffer this condition as well. Wanxiety is a treatable disorder, even in the most extreme cases. ask your local pimp or escort service for more info.



70
General Discussion / sometime yuh must keep yuh ass quiet.
« on: August 02, 2009, 09:49:32 PM »
Bank Teller Chases Robber, Loses JobAP
SEATTLE (Aug. 22) -- A Seattle bank teller has lost his job because he ran down a would-be bank robber and held him until police arrived. Jim Nicholson, 30, who had worked for more than two years at a Key Bank branch near the Seattle Center, says he understands the bank's strict policy that employees comply with robbery demands and avoid confrontations.
But he told The Seattle Times that instinct took over when a thin man in a beanie cap, dark clothing and sunglasses pushed a black backpack across the bank counter on Tuesday and demanded money.
Nicholson threw the bag to the floor, lunged toward the man and demanded to see a weapon. The man bolted for the door with Nicholson in pursuit.
He chased him several blocks before knocking him to the ground with the help of a passer-by. Nicholson then held the man until police arrived.
On Thursday, Nicholson was fired. Key Bank spokeswoman Anne Foster declined to comment on Nicholson and his actions.
Police and the FBI discourage such heroics. Bank tellers are trained to get robbers out the door quickly and are advised against possibly escalating a situation over money that's federally insured.
Nicholson said he understands why he was fired.
"They tell us that we're just supposed to comply, but my instincts kicked in and I did what's best to stop the guy," he said. "I thought if I let him go he would rob more banks and cause more problems."
Seattle police Sgt. Sean Whitcomb said the best course for citizens is to be good witnesses to crimes.
"When confronted by a violent criminal, it is best to comply unless they feel their personal safety is in jeopardy. It is possible that taking action and confronting the criminal may lead to the injury of the victim or other bystanders."
"You want tellers to be proactive, but you want them to do it safely," said FBI Special Agent Fred Gutt.
The would-be robber, a 29-year-old transient, has a lengthy criminal history, including convictions for theft and robbery, according to court records. Charges in the attempted robbery were not immediately filed.
Nicholson said he has run after shoplifters while working at other retail jobs.
"It's something I almost look forward to. It's a thrill and I'm an adrenaline-junkie person. It's the pursuit," he said.

71
Entertainment & Culture Discussion / Sex Sting: Goldman Sachs Lawyer
« on: July 30, 2009, 08:05:27 AM »
Sex Sting: Goldman Sachs Lawyer
by Jim Brogan


 
 
Sex Sting and Goldman Sachs Lawyer - A lawyer for Goldman Sachs was arrested Monday in a sex sting operation aimed at men who solicit young girls from the Internet for sexual encounters.

Todd Genger, 33, is charged with attempting to elicit sex with a minor and trying to disseminate indecent material to a minor.

Police in Westchester County, New York caught Genger after the married father of three started talking with an undercover investigator posing as a teen in a chat room. The investigator was posing as a 15-year-old girl and made it clear she was underage. The online conversations began April 13 and ended Monday when Genger traveled to Westchester to meet the girl for sex.

 

He admitted to participating in the online conversations about the intended tryst, which included "specific explicit sexual acts," D.A spokesman Lucien Chalfen said.

At his arraignment on charges of trying to disseminate indecent material to a minor, Genger was released on his own recognizance pending an Aug.11 court date.

If convicted, he faces up to 4 years in prison.

72
Other Sports / 2009 US Open.
« on: July 29, 2009, 09:22:13 AM »
Sharapova has sights set on U.S. Open runby Richard Pagliaro, Tennis Week, FOXSports.com

Maria Sharapova returns to tournament tennis at next week's Bank Of The West Classic in Stanford aiming for ascension.
 
Sidelined for the first four months of the season as she continued her rehab from a moderate rotator cuff tendon tear she sustained in April 2008, the 61st-ranked Sharapova will try to accumulate enough ranking points to secure a seeded spot for the U.S. Open, which begins on August 31st.

For much of the past year, Sharapova's public appearances have been confined to her Canon commercials and magazine spreads. The player behind the brand says she's eager to resume her roll as a full-time tennis player and sees the U.S. Open Series as the platform to do just that.

"(I'm looking forward to) playing matches. Going out there, playing, performing. That's what I didn't do," Sharapova told the media in a press conference prior to her World TeamTennis appearance for the Newport Beach Breakers on Wednesday night.

Timing has always been a key component of Sharapova's style, which is a form of tennis larceny. At her best, Sharapova stands on top, or a few feet behind, the baseline firing fast, flat strokes that rob opponents of response time and steal away their offensive opportunities. Regaining her timing and responding to the ebbs and flows of match play will take time that can only come from the repeated repetition tournaments provide.

"I mean, listen, it's not that none of these tournaments are going to be tough," Sharapova said. "I feel like a lot of the upcoming matches are going to be tough. I'm still getting the rustiness kind of away from me."


Putting herself in a position to promote a rankings rise is a positive step for Sharapova, whose shoulder injury made her most problematic climb the one off the trainer's table. Sharapova insists her shoulder, which forced her out of last year's U.S. Open and prevented her from defending her Australian Open title in January, is completely healthy.

"I am 100 percent," Sharapova says.

In an effort to strengthen the shoulder — and prevent a recurrence of the injury — Sharapova has adopted a shortened service motion. She's replaced the traditional loop backswing on her serve with the abbreviated backswing, taking the racquet face straight up before dropping it down to launch into her serve in a shortened service motion used by Andy Roddick and Gael Monfils.

Sharapova says she spent time in Phoenix last month strengthening her shoulder and will continue the exercises throughout her career.

"(My shoulder) feels really good. After Wimbledon I went back to Phoenix and I kept working on it," Sharapova said. "It's not something that you just stop when it feels good. You have to keep working on it. You have to keep getting it stronger. For the rest of my career I'll be doing shoulder exercises."

Ultimately, the hope is the shortened service motion — combined with strengthening exercises — helps lengthen her career. Sharapova struggled with her serve at times in recent years and concedes mastering the motion is still a work in progress.

"After surgery I definitely had to shorten up my motion to make it easier on my arm. That's something that I'm still working on and still tuning up," Sharapova said.

A pectoral strain she sustained in 2005 curtailed Sharapova's schedule and she's missed tournament time in each of the past three years due to the shoulder strain. As she tunes up for her sixth career U.S. Open, it's sometimes easy to overlook the fact Sharapova is still only 22 years old.

Sharapova believes injuries are an occupational hazard for elite professional athletes, particularly for players who turn pro at an early age.

"I started when I was very young, I started playing professionally when I was 14 or 15 years old," Sharapova said. "At 22, you consider you've been playing on the Pro Tour that many years, (making a comeback) is definitely not a surprise."

Several talented young players are on the rise, with three members of the top 10 — No. 1 Dinara Safina, No. 8 Victoria Azarenka and the ninth-ranked Caroline Wozniacki — being younger than Sharapova.

"It is a little surprising to see so many girls kind of coming out of the woodwork and they're so many years younger than you," Sharapova said. "You're like, Where did the time go?"

The younger players are making their mark, but experience is still a major asset in majors. The three women who have combined to claim the last five Grand Slam titles — Venus Williams (2008 Wimbledon), Serena Williams (2008 U.S., 2009 Aussie and Wimbledon) and Svetlana Kuznetsova (2009 French) — have all been on the Tour for at least nine years.

Sharapova's tenacity was on display in Paris in just her second tournament of the season. Clay has never been her ideal comfort zone, but the crushed red brick surface brought out the gritty side of tennis' glamour girl during the French Open.
 
Then ranked 102nd, Sharapova saved two break points at 2-4 in the final set then roared back to edge 11th-seeded Nadia Petrova, 6-1, 1-6, 8-6, to reach the Roland Garros third round for the sixth straight year. Sharapova went on to reach the quarters where the quick-footed Dominika Cibulkova crushed her 6-0, 6-2.

After a trip to the Birmingham semifinals on grass, Sharapova was bounced out of Wimbledon in the second round by Gisela Dulko, another quick counter-puncher who mixed up the pace on her shots and stretched Sharapova into awkward positions on the court.

"I had my chances," Sharapova said of her Wimbledon experience. "I played against a tough opponent on a tough day, and it just didn't go my way. I certainly had my opportunities."

There are top 10 players who are quicker, more versatile and possess more consistent serves, but Sharapova's experience, her affinity for the game's greatest stages and her competitiveness are qualities that make her a threat at every major, particularly the fast track of the U.S. Open where her flat strokes play well. The next five weeks will serve as preparation for her return to Flushing Meadows, where she won three years ago.

"I never lost faith because I knew the things I had already accomplished were way beyond what I ever dreamed of in my life," Sharapova said. "... Obviously just getting to be able to play tennis again is an achievement in itself. Now it's about preparing myself, forgetting about what I went through, just preparing my game, getting back into the form where I was, and even better."


73
Jokes / 15 cents
« on: July 28, 2009, 09:15:54 AM »
A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom
mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'


74
Jokes / Mrs. McGervey
« on: July 28, 2009, 09:07:15 AM »
Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.


75
Jokes / Viagra
« on: July 28, 2009, 09:01:58 AM »
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I'm 96' said the old man.

'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough

so I don't piss on my balls. '

76
Jokes / 'Win Free Sex with Fill-Up!'
« on: July 28, 2009, 09:00:41 AM »
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Win Free Sex with Fill-Up!'

A local blond redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The blond redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, the same blond redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The blond redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the blond redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Bubba replied,' No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week!'

77
Jokes / Tampons
« on: July 28, 2009, 08:57:57 AM »
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."


78
Jokes / A blonde blowjob
« on: July 28, 2009, 08:26:19 AM »
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'



79
Other Sports / Ex-boxing champ Forrest Killed
« on: July 26, 2009, 03:48:52 PM »
Police: Ex-boxing champ Forrest shot, killedAssociated Press
 
ATLANTA (AP) - Vernon Forrest, a former three-time champion who gained stardom when he became the first boxer to defeat "Sugar" Shane Mosley, was shot and killed during an apparent robbery in Atlanta, police said Sunday.

"Vernon was one of the few decent people in boxing," promoter Gary Shaw said Sunday.

"I mean really decent. He cared about mentally challenged adults. He cared about kids. I just can't believe it."

Mark Guilbeau, an investigator with the Fulton County Medical Examiner's office, said an autopsy is planned for Sunday.

Forrest, a native of Augusta, Ga., who lived in Atlanta, was a member of the 1992 Olympic team. He also was a former IBF welterweight and two-time WBC junior middleweight champion.

"He was one of the most gracious and charitable fighters in boxing and he will be missed by the entire boxing community and all of his friends at HBO," HBO Sports president Ross Greenburg told The Associated Press.

Greenburg helped put on eight of Forrest's fights.

"Maybe Vernon's lasting legacy will be for Americans everywhere to rise up and end this kind of senseless violence," Greenburg said.


Remembering Vernon Forrest Photos: Check out highlights from Vernon Forrest's storied boxing career over the years. 
Those who knew the fighter praised his role in launching the Destiny's Child group homes in Atlanta, which work to provide homes for the mentally disabled.

"It was truly his calling," Forrest's publicist, Kelly Swanson, said of his work with children. "When he wasn't boxing, this was his full-time job.

"When they would see him, they would just light up, and some of them couldn't even talk. Vernon was very much involved. He'd have some of the kids over to his house on Sundays. They were part of his family."

Swanson said Forrest was not married and has one son, Vernon Jr.

Inside the ring, Forrest was known for taking two wins over Mosley in 2002. On Sept. 13, 2008, Forrest reclaimed his WBC 154-pound title by beating Sergio Mora in a rematch of a fight won by Mora.

The win over Mora was Forrest's last fight. He suffered a rib injury while training for an April fight against Jason LeHoullier. That fight was canceled, and Forrest had to vacate his title.

Ken Hershman, vice president in charge of boxing at Showtime, which aired Forrest's first fight with Mora, said Forrest was a popular fighter who was dedicated to his charity work.

"He wasn't looking for anything, he just did it because it was the right thing to do," Hershman said.
"Vernon was a young, vibrant guy coming to the end of his career. He still had a lot of life ahead of him."

There were tentative plans for a title fight against Sergio Martinez, perhaps in October, Shaw said. Plans for an August fight against Martinez were pushed back by Forrest's rib injury.

"Instead of being an Olympian, a two-time world champion, a guy who beat Shane Mosley twice, the guy who did some good for boxing — maybe his legacy will be for something else," Shaw said. "Maybe boxing will finally get around the violence outside of the ring. Maybe Vernon's name and legacy will be for that."

Forrest, who had a 41-3 career record with 29 knockouts, is the third prominent boxer to die this month.

Former two-time champion Arturo Gatti, who retired in 2007, was found dead July 11 at a Brazilian resort. Gatti's wife, Amanda Rodrigues, is being held as the prime suspect.

Another former champion, Alexis Arguello, was found dead on July 1 at his home in Managua, Nicaragua. He was elected mayor of Nicaragua's capital last year.

"If the saying is bad things come in threes, hopefully we're done with that for a long time to come," Hershman said. "I hope that's the case. I mean, ironically three great people, three great human beings too. Not a good few months."

Forrest's trainer, Buddy McGirt, also worked with Gatti. McGirt said Forrest planned to start training Aug. 1 for his next fight.

"I just feel so bad, he has a son you know," McGirt said. "Someone is going to be raised without a father because somebody wanted to rob someone."

80
Jokes / Texas midget
« on: July 21, 2009, 05:43:11 PM »
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia
'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'


81
Jokes / Small penis
« on: July 21, 2009, 05:37:18 PM »
'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.


82
Jokes / Plastic Surgeon
« on: July 21, 2009, 05:32:33 PM »
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

83
Other Sports / Former boxing champ Gatti found dead
« on: July 11, 2009, 08:27:58 PM »
Former boxing champ Gatti found dead in BrazilAssociated Press
SAO PAULO (AP) - Former boxing champion Arturo Gatti, whose epic trilogy with Micky Ward branded him one of the most exciting fighters of his generation, was found dead in a hotel room in the posh seaside resort of Porto de Galihnas early Saturday.

Police investigator Edilson Alves told The Associated Press that the body of the former junior welterweight champ was discovered in his room at the tourist resort, where Gatti had arrived on Friday with his Brazilian wife Amanda and 1-year-old son.

Gatti through the years Photos: Arturo Gatti was one of the most exciting and courageous fighters of his era. Take a look at his storied career. 
Alves said police were investigating and it was unclear how the 37-year-old Canadian died.

"It is still too early to say anything concrete, although it is all very strange," Alves said. He declined to provide any additional details.

A spokeswoman for the state public safety department said Gatti's wife and son were unhurt. The woman declined to give a name in keeping with department policy.

"There were no bullet or stab wounds on his body, but police did find blood stains on the floor," she said.

Brazilian boxer and four-time world champion Acelino "Popo" Freitas told the G1 Web site of Brazil's largest TV network Globo that he was a close friend of Gatti and his wife, and that he "knew they were having some sort of problem and were about to separate."

Known for his straightforward punching and granite-like chin, Gatti captured the junior welterweight title in 1995, when he defeated Tracy Harris Patterson in Atlantic City, N.J. His brawling style and natural charisma made him a fan favorite, and he became one of New Jersey's adopted sons while fighting some of his most memorable battles on the Boardwalk.

"I never saw a crowd show so much love for someone like the way that the crowds flocked to Arturo's fights in Atlantic City," said referee Randy Neumann, who officiated Gatti's last fight against Alfonso Gomez two years ago. "I mean, they were so into him and the crowds were electric. He just fought his heart out every fight."

 
Arturo Gatti was 40-9 with 31 KOs in his career. (Al Bello / Getty Images)

Gatti continued to keep a home in New Jersey after he retired in 2007, with a career record of 40-9 and 31 knockouts.

"His entire boxing career he fought with us, we've known him since he was 17," Kathy Duva of promoter Main Events told The Associated Press. "It's just an unspeakable tragedy. I can't even find words. It's a horror."

Gatti defended his title three times before moving up in weight and getting stopped by Angel Manfredy in 1997. He lost twice more before running off four straight wins, setting up a big payday against Oscar De La Hoya.

Although Gatti was knocked out in the fifth round of a lopsided fight, his almost cult-like following never wavered in its support.

"He just captured the imagination of so many people," Duva said. "We used to joke it was a crowd like the Grateful Dead's, it was the same people every time."

Gatti would later lose to big names like Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Carlos Baldomir, but it was his three-fight series against Ward that left an indelible impression on fight fans.

The first time they met, in May 2002, the 140-pounders traded devastating blows for 10 rounds before leaving it up to the judges to decide a winner. Ward earned the mixed decision, by one point on one scorecard and two points on another, in what Ring Magazine called "Fight of the Year."

The rematch was just as brutal, with Gatti knocking Ward down in the third round with a big right. Ward not only recovered from the blow, which broke Gatti's hand, but managed to go the distance. This time, Gatti earned a clear unanimous decision.

Gatti and Ward had their rubber match at Boardwalk Hall in June 2003, and it was again called "Fight of the Year" by Ring Magazine. Ward knocked Gatti to the floor in the sixth round, but despite fighting with his right hand broken again, Gatti managed to win the decision.

"I was sitting him at the post-fight press conference - I can't remember which one - and I looked at his hand and it was three times the normal size," Duva said. "He gave me this goofy grin and he said, 'Yeah, I know. We'll party tonight and I'll go to the hospital tomorrow."'

Gatti attempted a comeback in July 2007, getting knocked out in seven rounds by Gomez. Afterward, with his legion of fans cheering for him in the arena, Gatti announced his retirement in the dressing room at Boardwalk Hall.

Neumann said it was tough for him to end that fight, simply because of Gatti's incredible ability to come back in fights.

"I couldn't stop that fight, simply because he was Arturo Gatti," Neumann said. "He was much more dignified to go out that way. He had to be counted out. When he fought, you never knew if he could come back. He looked beaten and still came back."

With that loss, Gatti acknowledged the end of all his travails and triumphs.

"I remember walking away from his last fight, and somebody walked up to him in the casino late at night and congratulated him," Duva said. "And he said, 'Why did he congratulate me?' And I said, 'He was excited to meet you.' And he kind of looked very surprised by that.

"He had no idea what an icon he was or how much he meant to people."

84
Cricket Anyone / W.I V India 4th ODI
« on: July 05, 2009, 06:48:31 AM »
lookin to even tings today.

85
Other Sports / Alexis Arguello A True Legend.
« on: July 01, 2009, 02:05:30 PM »
Hall of Fame boxer found dead; reports cite suicideAssociated Press
MANAGUA, Nicaragua (AP) - Alexis Arguello, who fought in one of boxing's most classic brawls and reigned supreme at 130 pounds, was found dead at his home early Wednesday.

 
Alexis Arguello is shown here after winning the lightweight championship in 1981, his third title in three different weight classes. (Getty Images)
Coroners were conducting an autopsy to determine the cause of death. Sandanista Party's Radio Ya and other local media were reporting it appeared to be a suicide.

The La Prensa newspaper reported that Arguello — elected mayor of Nicaragua's capital last year — was found with a gunshot wound to the chest.

The 57-year-old Arguello retired in 1995 with a record of 82-8 with 65 knockouts and was a champion in three weight divisions. He was perhaps best known for two thrilling battles with Aaron Pryor and fights with Ray Mancini, Bobby Chacon and Ruben Olivares.

"I'm kind of in a daze right now. I can't believe what I'm hearing," Pryor told The Associated Press. "Those were great fights we had. This was a great champion."

Nicknamed "The Explosive Thin Man," Arguello was inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame in 1992, where flags were flying at half-staff in his honor Wednesday.

In 1999, a panel of experts assembled by The AP voted Arguello the best junior lightweight and sixth-best lightweight of the 20th century. He never lost at 130 pounds, and his popularity in his own country was so great that he carried the flag for Nicaragua at the Beijing Olympics.

"Not only was he one of the greatest fighters I've ever seen, he was the most intelligent fighter," Bob Arum, who promoted some of his biggest fights, told The Associated Press. "He was a ring tactician. Every move was thought out. And he was a wonderful, wonderful person."

Arguello turned pro in 1968 and promptly lost his first bout. He didn't lose much more, and six years later knocked out Olivares in the 13th round to win the featherweight title.

Arguello went on to win the super featherweight and lightweight titles, his 5-foot-10 frame allowing him to move up in weight without losing his tremendous punching power. At the time, he was only the sixth boxer to win championships in three weight classes, and was considered for a while the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world.
He moved up in weight again in November 1982 to challenge Pryor for the 140-pound belt, a match billed as "Battle of the Champions." More than 23,000 fans packed the Orange Bowl in Miami, and the two waged an epic battle before Pryor knocked out Arguello in the 14th round.

"It was a brutal, brutal fight," Arum said. "That was something I will never, ever forget as long as I live. That was one of the most memorable fights I ever did."

The bout was named "Fight of the Year" and "Fight of the Decade" by Ring Magazine, but was shrouded by controversy. Pryor's trainer, Panama Lewis, gave him a water bottle after the 13th round that many believe contained an illegal substance — an accusation Pryor denied.

A rematch was ordered and they met again a year later at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. This time, Pryor knocked out Arguello in the 10th round.

"We always talk to each other about that first fight," Pryor said. "I never went into the fight knowing I could beat Alexis, I just went into the fight to beat Alexis."

Arguello announced after the fight that he would retire from boxing, but as so often happens in the sport, Arguello couldn't stay away from the ring.

He returned to win two fights in 1985 and 1986, then didn't step in the ring until 1994, when he made a brief comeback. He retired for good the following year.

"Alexis Arguello was a first-class fighter and a first-class gentleman," said Hall of Fame executive director Edward Brophy. "The Hall of Fame joins the boxing community in mourning the loss of a great champion and friend."

Arguello fought against the Sandinista government in the 1980s after it seized his property and bank account, but later joined the party and ran for mayor of the capital last November. He defeated Eduardo Montealegre, though opponents alleged the vote was fraudulent.

Arguello had returned Sunday from Puerto Rico, where he honored the late baseball Hall of Famer Roberto Clemente. His death prompted Nicaragua President Daniel Ortega to announced he was canceling a trip to Panama for the inauguration of President-elect Ricardo Martinelli.

"We are upset," presidential spokeswoman Rosario Murillo said. "This is a heartbreaking announcement. He was the champion of the poor, an example of forgiveness and reconciliation."

86
Entertainment & Culture Discussion / Ed McMahon dies in LA at 86
« on: June 23, 2009, 06:01:12 PM »
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Ed McMahon, the loyal "Tonight Show" sidekick who bolstered boss Johnny Carson with guffaws and a resounding "H-e-e-e-e-e-ere's Johnny!" for 30 years, died early Tuesday. He was 86.

McMahon died shortly after midnight at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center surrounded by his wife, Pam, and other family members, said his publicist, Howard Bragman.

Bragman didn't give a cause of death, saying only that McMahon had a "multitude of health problems the last few months."

McMahon had bone cancer, among other illnesses, according to a person close to the entertainer, and had been hospitalized for several weeks. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because he wasn't authorized to release the information.

McMahon broke his neck in a fall in March 2007, and battled a series of financial problems as his injuries preventing him from working.

McMahon and Carson had worked together for nearly five years on the game show "Who Do You Trust? " when Carson took over NBC's late-night show from Jack Paar in October 1962. McMahon played second banana on "Tonight" until Carson retired in 1992.

"You can't imagine hooking up with a guy like Carson," McMahon said an interview with The Associated Press in 1993. "There's the old phrase, hook your wagon to a star. I hitched my wagon to a great star."

McMahon, who never failed to laugh at his Carson's quips, kept his supporting role in perspective.

"It's like a pitcher who has a favorite catcher," he said. "The pitcher gets a little help from the catcher, but the pitcher's got to throw the ball. Well, Johnny Carson had to throw the ball, but I could give him a little help."


87
Cricket Anyone / ICC WORLD TWENTY20 PAKISTAN V SRI LANKA
« on: June 21, 2009, 12:08:42 PM »
pakistan win yet

88
Nearing age 80, she laments her lot — in interview at her penthouse

MANILA, Philippines - Imelda Marcos is nothing if not a survivor.

As the Philippines' most notorious first lady approaches 80, she is still courting publicity and claiming that despite the billions reportedly stashed away during her late husband Ferdinand's rule, and the 22-carat diamond ring on her finger, she is nearly broke.

"Here I am, at 80, still struggling to look presentable," the former beauty queen said as she greeted reporters this weekend in her swank two-story Manila penthouse, wearing a dark red dress over matching pants and red slippers.

Imelda, whose birthday is July 2, will forever be remembered for the dazzling jewels and 1,220 pairs of shoes she left behind in the presidential palace after the "people's power" revolt that toppled Marcos's authoritarian regime in 1986 and forced them into exile in Hawaii. She said the diamond ring was given to her by Ferdinand 55 years ago on their engagement.

Ferdinand died in 1989 and Imelda was allowed to return home in 1991. Despite her notoriety for extravagance in a nation wracked by poverty, she still has her supporters and even won a congressional seat in 1995. She ran, unsuccessfully, for president in 1992.

Making own jewelry
These days she keeps busy working on her own jewelry collection, making the pieces from her old accessories and clothes, mixed with newly bought stones and other materials.

Some Filipinos were incensed at her unashamed opulence, but others, especially the generation born after 1986 with no memory of martial law under the Marcos regime, view her as an entertaining curiosity.

"She's captivating and mesmerizing, whether or not you share her politics," said architect Gigi Gonzalez.

Despite some 900 civil and criminal cases she had faced in Philippine courts since 1991 — cases ranging from embezzlement and corruption to tax evasion — she has emerged relatively unscathed and never served prison time. All but a handful of the cases have been dismissed for lack of evidence and a few convictions were overturned on appeal.

Tearing up over her lot
But she still does not weary of complaining of her lot.

Imelda, her hair coifed and cheeks rouged, teared up as she complained she had to withdraw money from her husband's meager war pension to post bail so she could travel to Singapore earlier this month for an eye checkup paid for by her children.

"I was first lady for only 20 years. All the beautiful things I gave to the Philippines, am I being persecuted for that? I didn't know you can inherit a crime from your husband."

Her husband and his cronies allegedly amassed ill-gotten wealth estimated at $5 billion to $10 billion during Marcos' 20 years in power, but the Presidential Commission on Good Government, created to recover the Marcos billions, says the government has only found cash and assets totaling $1.63 billion.

The assets include three separate sets of diamond tiaras, ruby brooches, emerald necklaces and other jewels.

She remains unashamed of her past, when she shopped in the world's richest boutiques and launched lavish beautification projects at home in the midst of the Philippines' extreme poverty.

"Filipinos are brainwashed to be beautiful. We're allergic to ugliness," she said by way of explanation.


89
Jokes / HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF
« on: June 16, 2009, 08:54:36 PM »
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block

90
Jokes / Psychology
« on: June 16, 2009, 08:46:43 PM »
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."


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