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91
Jokes / Making love...
« on: June 16, 2009, 08:44:25 PM »
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."



92
Football / Let's steal some ideas from soccer
« on: June 12, 2009, 12:37:56 PM »
Let's steal some ideas from soccerby Kevin Hench
Kevin Hench is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com. An accomplished film and television writer, Hench's latest screenwriting credit is for The Hammer, which stars Adam Carolla and is now available on DVD.


A lesser sport would have taken the hint years ago: America was not interested.
The NASL folded. The MISL folded. The WUSA folded.


But like a drunk guy with no ride home, soccer just kept pawing at us. And against all odds, a love connection may finally be forming.

The Seattle Sounders of MLS are averaging almost 30,000 fans a game. A new women's professional league has launched. Americans have purchased more tickets than any other country to World Cup 2010 in South Africa.

And, depending on the water cooler or watering hole, American sports fans are actually talking about the pricey transfers of Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka to Real Madrid. (Heck, the Manchester United owner blessing the $131M transfer of Ronaldo is yank tycoon Malcolm Glazer who also owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.)

Americans may not know the difference between George Best and Marco Van Basten, but if someone pays $228M to acquire two players -- not to mention the tens of millions each player will command in salary -- we take note.

But this isn't yet another cri de coeur hoping the beautiful global game becomes as big in the U.S. as it seems to be everywhere else. No, this is a plea to the major American sports to adopt three elements of European football that would seriously spice up the U.S. sports landscape.

I'm talking about the transfer market, in-season tournaments and -- best of all -- relegation.


Transfer market
In European football, at the end of each season and for a short while in midseason, teams can sell their players -- or "transfer" them -- to the highest bidder. Ronaldo, the reigning FIFA Player of the Year, was under contract to Manchester United through 2012. This was a commodity with real market value in the wild and woolly free market of professional soccer.

Instead of the traditional American system of losing a star player to free agency for little (a draft pick) or no compensation or trading him for prospects, a club can sell him for whatever the market will bear.

The Cavaliers could lose LeBron James to free agency after next season. But imagine if owner Dan Gilbert could auction off the right to sign LeBron right now? Assuming a deal was in place to sign LeBron to a max extension, how much non-salary-cap-limited scratch would one of the NBA's billionaire owners be willing to part with to have LeBron come to town? I'm guessing it would eclipse Ronaldo's $131M record.

By buying Ronaldo and 2007 FIFA Player of the Year Kaka, Real Madrid essentially just signed the LeBron and Kobe of futbol. Guess ownership was not satisfied with its runner-up finish to Barcelona in La Liga. The spending spree evokes the Yankees' signing Mark Teixeira ($185M), CC Sabathia ($161M) and A.J. Burnett ($82.5) after missing the playoffs last year. But the key difference is the teams that lost those stars don't get any of that $428.5M.

I'm sure the Atlanta Braves would be much happier if they'd scored some serious dough for Teixeira at the 2008 deadline as opposed to acquiring Casey Kotchman (.745 OPS) and Stephen Marek (6.35 ERA in Double-A).
American baseball already does a version of the transfer when acquiring players under contract to Japanese teams. The Red Sox paid the Seibu Lions $51M for the right to negotiate a $52M, six-year contract with Daisuke Matsuzaka. Why not open up the posting system between teams in Major League Baseball?

Since small-market teams are always going to lose out on big free agents, at least a transfer system would give them an opportunity to infuse some much-needed cash into their organization. I don't know how much Nate McLouth would have fetched in a wide-open transfer market, but the Pirates might have been able to help their organization more by having that dough to sign draft picks and offer extensions than by receiving three prospects from Atlanta.


In-season tournaments
In professional sports leagues in America most fans know before the first pitch, kickoff or opening tip whether their team is a contender or pretender. A month into the season it's even clearer. Which leads to most teams playing out a semi-meaningless 162 or 82 or 16-game schedule.

In European soccer there's always something to play for. England has the Premier League crown which 20 teams vie for each year, even though everyone knows Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal or Chelsea are going to win it every season. Then there's the Football Association Cup, a knock-out tournament among all levels of club teams that takes place during the Premiership season. The Big Four almost always win the FA Cup too, but Portsmouth ended their 12-year hammerlock on the trophy in 2008.

There's also the League Cup, another in-season elimination tournament between the Premier League teams. Seven different teams have won the League Cup in the last 10 years.

And, of course, there's the European Cup or UEFA Champions League tournament that pits the best clubs from all of Europe's pro leagues against one another.

In American sports, there is one champion and a bunch of bummed out losers. European soccer has a way of spreading the joy around. A team that is scuffling in the league standings can salvage its season -- and generate a lot of additional revenue -- with a long run in one of the tournaments.

Baseball, basketball and hockey would all do well to drastically shorten their regular seasons and create space during the year for these mini-championships.

 
It may be hard to imagine a Knicks-Bobcats game meaning much in April, but think of the intensity if losing meant being relegated to a lower league. (Streeter Lecka / Getty Images)


Relegation
Visiting England a few years back I came across a book called "Crap Towns: The 50 Worst Places to Live in the UK."

Hull, a Yorkshire port city of about 250,000 was the "winner."

In subsequent magazine and TV stories Hull defended its crown ably. A high crime rate, high levels of obesity and the lowest-rated education system in England were some of the reasons Channel 4 would later give for naming Hull the least desirable place to live in not-always-so-jolly ol' England.

But three Sundays ago -- on May 23 -- those dumb, fat bastards in Hull lived in the happiest place on earth.

Sure, the Hull City A.F.C. Tigers lost 1-0 to Manchester United's third string on the final day of the English Premier League season. But as Hull was bowing to the league champs, who had clinched the title earlier in the week, the news from out of town made the 24,945 fans packed into Kingston Communications Stadium forget that they would likely be mugged on the way home.

In 38 games -- the length of the Premiership season -- Hull had won only eight games. The Tigers had won just twice in their last 29 matches (also known as "fixtures"). They had been outscored on the season by 25 goals. But Newcastle's 1-0 loss at Aston Villa on that final Sunday meant that Hull had finished 17th out of 20 teams in the Premiership. And that meant Hull had avoided relegation, demotion to what amounts to the English football equivalent of Triple-A.


When the Newcastle result went final you'd have thought an English national team made up exclusively of lads from Hull had just won the World Cup. Such is the glory of staying in the "top flight" and the ignominy of finishing in the dreaded "drop zone."

In England -- and all across Europe -- the worst teams in the top soccer division get shipped to the minors, replaced by the top finishers in the second division. Relegation creates as much, if not more, excitement at the bottom of the standings as at the top.

In Germany, the top team in the second division swaps spots with the worst team in the top division (the Bundesliga) while the second-best team in division two and the second-worst team in the Bundesliga play each other for the right to be in the top flight. You think a one-game playoff between the Washington Nationals and the Toledo Mud Hens for the right to be in Major League Baseball might be a little more exciting than the way it is now?

Relegation creates dire financial repercussions for a team. Who wants to pay good money to see minor league soccer? This leads to teams not being able to sign or re-sign top players, which can send them plummeting further into the bushes to the equivalent of Double-A or A-ball. (The second, third and fourth tier leagues work the same way: promotion for a high finish, demotion for being in the bottom two or three.)

So instead of tanking to get more ping-pong balls in the NBA lottery or the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft, European soccer teams fight like hell to win down the stretch.

The transfer of top players is as American as the free market. America loves crowning champions, something European soccer leagues get to do three or four times a season with all their tournaments. And Americans love a fight to the finish, something guaranteed by the threat of relegation.

They can keep their 0-0 draws and constant offsides flags, but the transfer market, in-season tournaments and relegation are three ideas worth stealing.

93
Entertainment & Culture Discussion / gender reassignment
« on: June 12, 2009, 12:23:24 PM »
Cher's daughter undergoing gender reassignment process

ET has confirmed Sonny Bono and Cher's daughter, Chastity Bono, is in the process of transitioning from a female to a male. ???

Chastity is in the early stages of the gender reassignment and started the process earlier this year following his 40th birthday.

Bono's publicist told ET, "Yes, it's true -- Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity."

"He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by his loved ones. It is Chaz's hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his 'coming out' did nearly 20 years ago," the rep went on to say.

The rep also asked for the media to respect Chaz's privacy, and noted that he will not be doing interviews at this time.


94
Other Sports / 2009 Wimbledon.
« on: June 09, 2009, 12:58:14 PM »
Nadal won't play Wimbledon unless '100 percent'Associated Press
MADRID (AP) - Rafael Nadal will travel to London next Tuesday in hopes of defending his Wimbledon title despite having played with pain in his knees for months.

The top-ranked Spaniard said Tuesday on his Web site that he underwent two days of medical tests in Barcelona and will undergo two weeks of physical therapy in a bid to be fit for the tournament, which starts June 22.

"I am going to give my 200 percent to be ready for the most important tournament in the world," Nadal said. "I will not go out and play, especially on the Wimbledon Centre Court, if I am not 100 percent ready to play.

"I have 2 difficult weeks ahead of me, especially because I won't be doing what I like doing most, which is to play tennis. But I will be working on my recovery through physiotherapy treatments as well as recovery work on the specific muscular area."

Nadal withdrew from a grass-court warmup event at Queen's Club this week. His 31-match winning streak at the French Open ended with a fourth-round loss to eventual finalist Robin Soderling.

"I have been playing with pain on my knees for some months now and I simply can't go on like this," Nadal said. "The pain was limiting certain movements in my body, which affected me mentally as well."

Spanish Tennis Federation physician Dr. Angel Ruiz-Cotorro says Nadal has tendinitis in both knees.

"His treatment will involve oral anti-inflammatories, physiotherapy, as well as muscular exercises for both quadriceps. Following the 48-hour treatment, Mr. Nadal will progressively get back into training," Ruiz-Cotorro said.

95
Other Sports / George Foreman's son wins pro debut
« on: June 07, 2009, 09:42:30 PM »
KINDER, Louisiana (AP) - George Foreman III won his professional debut on Saturday, stopping Clyde Weaver at 1:16 of the first round.

Foreman, the 26-year-old son of two-time world heavyweight champion George Foreman, floored Weaver with a left hook to the chin. Earlier, the 6-foot-5, 236-pound Foreman knocked Weaver (0-2) down with a left hook to the body.

"It feels good to know all the torture my father put me through paid off," Forman said.

The elder Foreman, who is his son's manager and trainer, didn't watch the fight, choosing to let his hand-picked corner team guide his son. After the fight was stopped, the father went into the arena to see his son.

"You never know. This guy surprised me. A guy can train in the gym and look real good. But then they get in the ring and is a flop," the elder Foreman said. "Now I know he's a fighter."

When the opening bell rang, Foreman ran straight ahead to meet the unheralded Weaver and began to throw jabs and hooks. Less than 30 seconds into the fight, Foreman threw a left hook that landed on Weaver's chin, forcing him to the canvas.

Weaver got up, but landed back on the mat again when Foreman hit him with a left hook to the body.

"I'm happy to make my debut. The goal was to have my first fight," Foreman said. "The hardest thing going into the fight was waiting for the undercard to end."


96
Jokes / Ralph Goes To Heaven
« on: June 05, 2009, 04:11:18 PM »
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'


97
Jokes / When you're drunk
« on: June 05, 2009, 04:09:33 PM »
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
    coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
     parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

98
Jokes / i need a push
« on: June 05, 2009, 04:00:58 PM »
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.


99
Jokes / I want a Woman
« on: June 05, 2009, 03:56:21 PM »
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."


100
maybe i should start supportin LA so they might lose. :devil:

101
Jokes / skinny dippin
« on: May 29, 2009, 08:58:21 AM »
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for
> several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was
> properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
> picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach
> trees.
>
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
> as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
> He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
>
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
> laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
> of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
> aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One
> of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
> leave!'
>
> The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
> watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
> naked.'
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed
> the alligator.'


102
Jokes / rolex watch
« on: May 25, 2009, 06:46:09 PM »
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."


103
Jokes / DR. Chang
« on: May 25, 2009, 06:35:19 PM »
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

104
Other Sports / 2009 French Open.
« on: May 21, 2009, 09:28:15 PM »
hope fed could rejuvenate someting at roland garros.

105
New Zealand institution mistakenly deposited $6.1 million into account

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Police are looking for a New Zealand couple who disappeared after a bank mistakenly put 10 million New Zealand dollars ($6.1 million) into their account.

The couple, who ran a gas station in the northern city of Rotorua, applied to Westpac Bank for a NZ$10,000 ($6,000) overdraft and had 1000 times that amount paid into their account. The two then withdrew some of the money and disappeared, Detective Senior Sgt. David Harvey said.

Harvey said Interpol has been contacted for help, suggesting authorities believe they may have fled abroad with the cash.


"We are currently conducting an investigation into the individuals that may have been involved in the withdrawal of that money," Harvey said.

‘Vigorous’ legal action pursued
Westpac Bank said in a statement it was "pursing vigorous criminal and civil action to recover the sum of money stolen," but declined further comment.

Massey University banking lecturer Claire Matthews said the "lucky" recipients likely would not get away with the cash.

"They've effectively, I guess, become thieves — but it is only going to be a matter of time" before they are found, she told the NewstalkZB radio network.

The pair would be hard pressed to argue they honestly believed they were entitled to such a huge sum of money, she added.


106
General Discussion / 4 arrested in plot to bomb NYC targets
« on: May 20, 2009, 09:17:12 PM »
Suspects were under heavy surveillance, authorities say

WASHINGTON - Four men have been arrested in a plot to attack several targets in the New York City area, including synagogues, federal and local authorities told NBC News Wednesday.

Authorities said the four men have long been under investigation and there was little danger they could actually have carried out their plan, NBC's Pete Williams reported.

Investigators say the four, described as Black Muslims from the Bronx, had planned to place bombs at various targets. But New York city police and federal agents got wind of the plot and kept the men under careful surveillance.
The men recently bought what they thought were explosives, which they put in storage lockers outside the city. But what the men did not know is that the material they bought was actually harmless, sold to them by informants posing as explosives dealers.

Officials emphasize that the men never had actual bombs and could not have pulled off any attack.

According to court documents, an informant met the apparent ringleader of the group, James Cromitie, in a Newburgh mosque last June.  He told the informant that his parents lived in Afghanistan before he was born that that he was "upset about the war."  If he died a martyr, Cromitie told the informant, he would go to paradise.

For the past year, the informant has followed Cromitie and three others, David and Onta Williams and Laguerre Payen, as they bought a camera, photographed potential synagogues to attack, and scouted out a place from which to shoot at planes at the National Guard base at Stewart airport in Newburgh.

Two weeks ago, three of them met the informant at a Connecticut warehouse to inspect what they thought was a Stinger surface-to-air missile obtained from a terrorist group and plastic explosives.  All the materials were actually provided by the FBI and were harmless.

The four are expected to face the charges in federal court Thursday.

Two years ago, two Muslims pleaded guilty to plotting to attack synagogues in Los Angeles. But officials said that they knew of no connection between those arrests and this latest plot in New York.


107
game one wed. nite.

108
Football / sunderland v portsmouth
« on: May 17, 2009, 05:05:27 PM »
Sunderland Boss Sbragia Calls On Players To Deliver Against Portsmouth
The Black Cats gaffer knows that big performances are needed if the threat of relegation is to be successfully staved off...
 
Sunderland make the long journey to the south coast to face Portsmouth at Fratton Park on Monday night, and manager Ricky Sbragia is demanding that his players show the supporters they are worthy of a continuing place in the Premier League, and produce a winning display.

Sunderland's plight has been eased somewhat this weekend by their local rivals Newcastle United suffering a 1-0 home defeat to Fulham, whilst Hull City and Middlesbrough could only muster up draws in their respective fixtures with Bolton Wanderers and Aston Villa.

A win would therefore secure the Black Cats' Premier League status, and Sbragia does not want to leave any lingering anxieties going into the club's last game of the season - at home to Chelsea.

"We know what we’ve got to do, but we’ve been saying that for 10 weeks," Sbragia told The Sunday Sun.


“We’ve had umpteen occasions when we’ve not performed and got what we wanted – we’ve let ourselves down.

“Now it’s about time we did it. This is the moment, this is the game.

“A win at Portsmouth will make us safe – no one wants this to go to the last game against Chelsea.”


109
game 1 tuesday in staples @ 9pm on espn.

110
Jokes / ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!
« on: May 12, 2009, 08:29:42 PM »
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't
even get on the bed!


111
Jokes / Where is your mother?
« on: May 12, 2009, 08:14:03 PM »
A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?" The boy states, "She's in the backyard, screwing the goat." The man exclaims, "Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!" The boy says, "Come on in and I'll show you." So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman screwing a goat.  Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, "That is gross!  Doesn't that bother you?" The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"


112
Jokes / donation center
« on: May 12, 2009, 08:10:48 PM »
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Uh uh."


113
Jokes / 50 times
« on: May 12, 2009, 08:07:29 PM »
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"


114
Jokes / health plan
« on: May 12, 2009, 07:48:04 PM »
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


115
Jokes / Do farts have lumps?
« on: May 12, 2009, 07:46:18 PM »
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."


116
Football / chelsea v arsenal
« on: May 10, 2009, 08:59:29 AM »
on fsc now.de battle fuh 3rd is on.

117
Police believe they have discovered 16-year-old Edwin's body in a mountainous area of Honduras...
 
According to various reports in the British press, police in Honduras believe they have uncovered the body of Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Wilson Palacios's brother.

Edwin Palacios, 16-years-old, was kidnapped from his parents' home in La Ceiba during October 2007.

The teenager was taken by armed bandits who planned to hold him to ransom.

Despite Wilson Palacios agreeing to pay £125,000 to the gang members, Edwin was not released.

Police have since found a body, thought to be that of Edwin, in a mountainous area of Honduras after two jailed gang members confessed to murder and gave the location of his burial.

Police chief Nelson Osorio is quoted in The Telegraph as saying, "We think the bones are those of the young person, Palacios. The forensic doctors are working on it now."

Osorio also revealed that around 50 officers had spent four days digging for the body, which was found clothed six feet under ground.

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp is quoted by The Sun as saying, "If it’s true, it’s devastating. His mum is over in England visiting him at the moment. You couldn’t wish to meet a nicer boy."

Wilson Palacios' mother Orfilia pleaded with the Primer Minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown, to lobby the President of Honduras about her missing son in February 2009.

"Our president should be helping us but he's not, he is dragging his feet. I need someone with a lot of power like Gordon Brown. I need to find out about my little boy," Orfilia Palacios said at the time.


118
Jokes / starter pistol
« on: May 06, 2009, 09:34:15 PM »
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.
Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.
The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."



 
 

119
Jokes / Skippy
« on: May 06, 2009, 09:10:58 PM »
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"


120
Jokes / nudist colony
« on: May 06, 2009, 09:05:59 PM »
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."


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