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« on: February 22, 2006, 06:38:01 AM »
Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Mr... Leon
Shitferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honor."
_____
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if
there were any Chinese Jews.
So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but
I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?"
The waiter said, "I don't know. I go into kitchen and ask manager."
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few
minutes.
He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato
Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
_____
Five African American men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found
floating today under a pier in New Orleans.
DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters.
Rumour has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
_____
One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink and they
were trying to convince a married friend that he should come, too.
"I can't," the man said, "my wife would kill me."
After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes.
Later, looking at his watch, he realises that it is midnight and he still
has not gone home.
He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he's
in.
Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife's legs
sticking out of the covers.
"I know!!!" he thinks to himself and he crawls in between his wife's legs
under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is 'satisfied'.
"That should do it," he thinks and he walks into the bathroom to wash his
face.
He turns on the light and THERE IS HIS WIFE... sitting on the toilet.
"What are you doing in here?!" he impatiently screams.
"SSShhhhhh! she says, "You'll wake your mother!!!!!"
_____
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to
a woman patron and ordered a glass of Champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"?
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for
me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my
hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman.
"How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said. "So did I!"
_____
A family of three, during the late 1800's resided a few miles from a small
prairie town.
Occasionally, they'd go to town to get needed supplies.
One afternoon the father hitched the buck-board with a team of horses for
such a purpose, taking the daughter with him and leaving mom at home to tend
the farm.
About halfway along their trip they were held-up at gun point, by a gang of
robbers.
The robbers demanded them off the wagon and asked them for all their money.
The poor farmer replied, "We don't have any money, we do our business in
town on credit".
One of the robbers demanded the two to remove their clothing and told one of
the gang members to search their clothing and the wagon.
To no avail were the robbers able to find any money so they decided to take
the wagon with the team of horses, leaving the father and daughter standing
stark naked alone on the prairie.
The father looked over at his daughter with a puzzled look and asked, What
did you do with all the money?
She said, "I put it up my snatch".
The father replied, "Damn, too bad Ma wasn't here, we could have saved the
whole team and wagon".
_____
It's the spring of 1957 and Bruce goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.
When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him
in.
"Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you take a seat?" he says.
Carrie's father asks Bruce what he's going to do.
Bruce replies that they will probably just go for a soda and on to the
pictures.
"Why don't you take her out for a screw? I hear that all the kids are doing
it!"
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bruce so he asks him to repeat
himself.
"Yeah all the kids are doing it and Carrie really likes to screw. She'll
screw all night if you let her."
A few minutes later, Carrie comes down stairs in her little poodle skirt and
said that she is ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bruce escorts his date out the front
door.
About twenty minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house slams the door
behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad, it's called the TWIST!"
_____
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