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Jack Awards October 2010
Yes folks, it's that time again.
Time for that one award show we all look forward to every month, The Jack Awards.
For those of you who may have been living in a cave in Afghanistan since 2009, this is what you missed so far:
Hot on the heels of the May 24th General Elections, Deosaran Bisnath and GOPIO (the Global Organization Of People of Indian Origin) decided to prove their exceptional Indian-ness by hosting an 'All Indian All the Time' award show (to the complete embarrassment of upstanding people of East Indian origin everywhere) to celebrate Indian people that they thought deserved a nothing award, a slice of cake and some juice.
Not to be outdone, we (the Organization of Semi Worthwhile and Distracting Events) had cause to celebrate (then) Acting Prime Minister HNIC Austin Jack Warner in July of this year when, in his version of a 'Papa Doc' routine for the willing news cameras, promised a little boy who was kidnapped and who found his own way out of the forest a FIFA watch and a National Award for bravery. This offer understandably caused some furor in a place not known for public outcry, and when he realized his offer had backfired (and instead of looking magnanimous and Prime Ministerial he was in fact looking foolish), did a little 'two step' back pedal and said it wasn't a NATIONAL Award he meant, which made everyone who saw him on the evening news and in the papers say 'huh?'
And so the Jack Awards were born.
It has been held every month since except August this year, due to the fact that we had no cake and not enough juice to share.
We at the Organization of Semi Worthwhile and Distracting Events are proud to present yet another 'Jack Awards' ceremony as there are many who are worthy of receiving the second highest 'nothing award' in the land for their dubious and self glorifying achievements, a glass of juice and a slice of cake.
And the nominees are:
1) Therese Baptiste-Cornelis
The good Minister of Health has depressed the national mood by staying out of the media glare since her last public flare up. This pretense of being sane and normal is fooling no one, and the decision has dampened our collective spirits by removing the best comic relief we have ever had. It has also forced the news cameras to follow the Minister of a Few People as he appears willing to be her replacement, but is more annoying than funny to watch.
The Minister has also promised to build five more hospitals, even though she is quite aware that the three we already have do not work.
- For keeping all that good crazy in the dark - A Jack Award.
2) Prime Minister Kamla Persad Bissesar
Did you really promise to paint the laptops yellow as a security measure to protect against theft?
When we first heard that we at OSWDE (pronounced oz-wood-eee) refused to believe it, and for the most part we still don't. But there are rumors that people everywhere are painting their valuables yellow so as to protect them from would be thieves, and spokespersons at both Penta and Sissons readily admit that production cannot meet the demand.
From entire houses to cars and appliances, people are rushing to avail themselves of this new approach to protection, and we say bravo!
We have already taken steps to follow your lead, and this entire article is being written on yellow paper with yellow ink.
- For providing a novel idea to National Security - A Jack Award.
3) Deputy Chairman of the Clico EFPA Policy Holders Group Peter Permel
Incensed that the gravy train racket that was the CLICO empire had the audacity to go belly up without repaying its big money investors, wanna be bad boy Permel went all 'Gangsta' as he took on the Government and put their collective ass on notice.
Threatening to 'Bust a Move' economically if somebody doesn't repay them their money, Peter Permel has shown that you don't need to be tall to be big (Imbert take note).
- For having more balls than Adidas and Nike combined- A Jack Award.
4) Dr, Keith Rowley
Who?
Dr. Keith Rowley.
Who is that?
The Leader of the Opposition.
We have an Opposition?
Dr. Keith Rowley has decided to embarrass the Government into action by disappearing right before their very eyes. In a trick worthy of David Copperfield and Harry Houdini combined, the Leader of the Opposition has faded completely away, leaving a void that very few have noticed. His shrinking violet routine has caught the eyes of Hollywood, and rumor has it that he has been offered the lead in the next installment of the "invisible Man.'
- For having nothing to say and being brave enough to say it - A Jack Award
5) Attorney General Anand Ramlogan
Deciding he didn't want the blame for letting cowboy Ishwar Galbaransingh and his sidekick Steve Ferguson go free, the Honorable Attorney General has signed the extradition papers to send the good gentlemen on their way to visit their Uncle Sam, and yet, to everyone's consternation, they are still here.
Costing more money than a first class trip to Mars so far, the legal maneuvering required to keep them out of the clutches of the United States Legal System has ended at the desk of the AG who promptly sent them on their way to, uh, here?
- For an excellent re-enactment of the washing of hands scene - A Jack Award
6) Patrick Manning
Where?
What is wrong with you?
You scared me!
Steups.
The twelfth man on the Opposition's Bench has suddenly been put back in play while appearing to actively do nothing himself.
Seeming to be impervious to attack after attack in the Parliament, the media and on the street, his name is being called in all sorts of machinations that are quite frankly scaring the people to death.
The specter of Patos as Leader of the Opposition and 'Prime Minister in Waiting' has caused many a skipped beat nationally, and his silence and calmness is unnerving to say the least.
- For causing people stress STILL - A Jack Award
7) Ish & Steve, Brian & others...
For the first time in our long and illustrious history, we are pleased to present the first 'Group Award' for a proverbial tag team of bandits and shysters that took this place by storm and are still shaking things up to this very day.
Hitting High, Low, Hang Jack AND game legally, it is now impossible to remember where this case began, who is involved, who represents who, and we at OSWDE would not be surprised if Diana Ross herself were to appear on the witness stand.
In what will go down in our history as the most expensive, most challenging and most convoluted legal case ever, the matter has generated enough income and expenditure to qualify as an industry all on its own.
- For showing us that not everything needs to make sense - A Jack Award
7) HNIC Austin Jack Warner
It would be foolish of us to ignore the exploits of this living legend, and while few would have the balls to blame the rain for causing flooding as he does, we must be willing to recognize excellence in tomfoolery everywhere we find it.
In his most daring exploit to date, the HNIC has decided that if State Boards get in the way of his arbitray and autocratic decisions, then why not just do away with them altogether?
Having tested the Constitution, the Parliament and the People to see if they would in fact withstand a challenge, Jack decided to be both nimble and quick with contracts to who and where he damned well pleased because, well, he was the HNIC.
When told that he couldn't do what he was doing by the REAL Prime Minister of the country, Jackie boy did the only other thing he knew how to do, and threw a tantrum of epic proportions alleging plots and counterplots within the Government to shame and discredit his good name.
The media personnel present to record the press conference collapsed as one at this last statement and had to be rushed to hospital and treated for what could only be described as chronic hysteria.
They are currently in intensive care, and attempts to stop the laughter have not yet been met with success.
- For making us laugh out loud, Jack - A Jack Award
The Jack Awards will one day have its own ceremony complete with press and red carpet, dedicated to those who excel at 'cocking' up epically on the national stage.
We plan to monitor the news, and bring you a Jack Awards function as regularly as the remaining Freedom of Speech allows.
The Jack Awards is an equal opportunity offender, and whoever is in Government, Opposition, State Appointees and/or receiving State funds under false pretenses will be nominated.
The Government of the people is supposed to work for the people, in the service of the people, and while firing them takes a little time, we can expose them for who and what they really are.
If you're a blind Party supporter, a racist, a biased Journalist, a corrupt public Official or a 'doh care' public servant, for reducing the quality of life in our nation, there is a Jack Award for you.
If you take yourself too seriously be careful, you can never tell if there's a Jack Award in your future too.