Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you
believe?"
"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat."
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave
Q. "What does a 3 pin plug and Arsenal Football Club have in common?"
A. "They're both useless in Europe"
..................................................
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.
Arsene Wenger walks into the Arsenal changing room for their next game, looks at his players and says, "I'm not supposed to play some of you since our chairman said you were stupid against Man U.
"So what I have to do is ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play."
They all agree and ask Wenger to start with their star players first. First up: Henry. Wenger looks into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" Henry thinks for a moment and then he answers, "Four?"
"Four!" Wenger shouts loudly, excited that his top player got it right.
In response the other Arsenal players plead, "Come on boss, give him another chance!"
...........
Last one...
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
.....
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child.
In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.
"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"
"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"
"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your Father?"
"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"
"I'd like to live with the Sunderland Football Club" the boy replied quickly.
"Why on earth would you want to live with the Sunderland Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"
3. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Crouch?
A: Clinton can score.
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?"
God Replies, "In the next 10 years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Man United next win the European Cup?"
The Good Lord - answers, "In the next 5 years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Liverpool win the Premier League?".
God answers, "I'll be dead by then!"
Before bed one night, Arsene Wenger is desperately trying to think of ways to get his blundering Arsenal teams’ season back on track. As a last effort Wenger decides to get on his knees and pray to God for guidance.
God hears the Frenchman’s whining and decides to take pity on the poor man, so later that night Wenger suddenly awakes to see The Lord himself standing at the bottom of his bed. God beckons Wenger out of bed saying, “Come forth my son…” to which Wenger replies, “Fourth? We’ll be lucky if we finish bloody sixth!”
Might have heard it before but what the hell...
Wenger was impressed with Sir Alex's managerial tactics. Therefore, he went to Old Trafford to ask Sir Alex how he was kept the lads in check at all times. Sir Alex replied "It's easy really. I ask them questions to keep them mentally alert.
Wenger was not quite sure he understood so Sir Alex demonstrated "Giggs, here. Your parents have a child, it's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"Simple" Giggs replied. "The child is me."
Wenger was impressed and upon arrival at Highbury called Henry. He asked him the same question and Henry, baffled, asked to be given a day to figure it out. Wenger agreed.
When Henry went home, he called Kolo Toure and asked him the question. "It's me" answered Kolo.
Henry then went to Wenger and told him he was ready. Wenger asked again "Your parents have a child. It's not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
"It is Kolo Toure" said Henry proudly.
"No, you fool" Said Wenger angrily. "It's Ryan Giggs"
