Time to drink rum and savour Swedes
BARRY ANDERSON
ANYONE got a Trinidad and Tobago shirt? Or even a Sweden or Paraguay one? I need to find me these colours before next June, so if anybody can help could you get in touch asap.
Why am I bothering, I hear you ask. England have already won the thing anyway, haven't they? Well don't believe everything you read in the papers, especially southern-based tabloids which couldn't be more pro Eng-ur-lund were they delivered draped in the flag of St George with a picture of a Yorkshire pudding splashed across the front - or a picture of Alan Smith, it amounts to the same thing.
Another World Cup draw took place on Friday, this time in Leipzig [isn't that the name of a creepy-crawly?] and yet again the bit of paper with "Scotland" scrolled across it had been tossed in the bin weeks previously.
So we revert to our second national obsession, cheering England's opponents.
With John Motson providing commentary for BBC2's coverage of the draw from Germany, back in London Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson were offering their expert analysis on Heidi Klum's assets just to prove to Britain's television licence payers that their money is being well spent.
"Turning to England," said Lineker after 20 minutes of the programme, 19 of which had been spent slabbering over our neighbours from hell anyway. In response, big Hansen struck a vital blow for Scotland. "Relying on Rooney is a big ask. It was unbelievable how good he was at Euro 2004, but after he got injured it was astonishing how bad they were ..."
Gaz and Lawro gave a little shiver at that point before continuing on their "we have the World Cup in our back pockets" procession. "If we play the way we can, we have a fantastic chance," said Lawrenson, who was then bizarrely backed by turncoat-in-a-millisecond Hansen. "I think England have their best chance of winning it since 1966," he said.
Can't wait for their bottle to shatter into more pieces than it took to construct that big glass hall at the Leipzig Messe.
Rumpelstiltskin he may be, but even Sven looked nervous in the audience as the teams were being drawn. Maybe he knew another fateful meeting with Sweden would emerge, or perhaps he was contemplating another "Snurgen" with Ulrika, which you'll recall was his favoured pastime around about the last time he coached England against his compatriots, at the 2002 World Cup.
Still, he got his wish of avoiding Australia. "They are desperate to beat England in a big tournament, which is why I don't want to play them," he said. "But there is a wider aspect to Australia." That would be that they melted you the last time they played you, Sven. Three-one at Upton Park in February 2003.
That game marked Rooney's international debut before he discovered the art of launching toys out the pram, which saw him become affectionately known amongst us Scots as Wean Looney. Yes, I recognise his indubitable talent as a footballer, but let's be truthful for a moment here. If you put his brain on a matchstick it would be like rolling a bouncy ball down the M8. But the hosts will welcome Rooney and England as they will every other nation. Germany, and Dietmar Hamann in particular, were desperate to avoid Ghana in the draw given that their players have become rather attached to their knee caps and don't want them dislodged by Michael Essien. It is those sorts of confrontations on the greatest footballing stage that us Scots normally relish. Gemmill versus Haan, Souness versus Littbarski, Aitken versus Juan Cayasso of Costa Rica. Sadly, we will be deprived again of such enthralling contests next summer.
Just as we were beginning to accept our fate as World Cup absentees, though, our good friend the German cameraman panned the Leipzig crowd on Friday night before zooming in on the man who is largely responsible for our preclusion - Berti Vogts. Grrrrr...
So without a tartan presence, let's get behind Trinidad and Tobago. And Sweden. And Paraguay. I've always liked a spot of rum, and I'm also rather fond of IKEA and (knocking) Lagerback (Sweden coach). What's Paraguay famous for again? Oh that's right. Beating England in Germany next year.
Dem Scots relly eh like EngerlandÂ
