Advertisement of the World Cup: Northern Rock's series depicting Michael Owen wrapped in an England flag alongside the question 'Can we have him back in one piece please?'. The answer is no.
Advertisers of the World Cup: Asda. Having originally signed up Wayne Rooney to be the face of their World Cup advertisement blitz, they then swapped to Michael Owen in late April after deciding that Rooney wouldn't recover from his broken foot in time - only for Rooney to return ahead of schedule and Owen to be crocked against Sweden following two miserable performances.
Card Counter of the World Cup: Graham Poll, although he did at least display an admirable self-depreciating sense humour by quitting international football in Andy Cole style shortly after he was sent packing by FIFA.
Conspiracy Theorists of the World Cup: The Sunni Students Federation. Outraged at the amount of time youngsters were spending watching the World Cup on television rather than praying, they held a protest march against 'a conspiracy to divert the attention of Muslim youth to an unproductive exercise'.
Continent of the World Cup: Europe. Home of six of the eight quarter-finalists, and all four of the semi-finalists.
Complaint of the World Cup: "We've suffered playing twice at 3pm in the blazing sun. It's a criminal schedule. Football has become a business and players are sacrificed. Players have died during tournaments before" - Japan coach Zico.
Runner-Up: "I told him it would be better for us if a he put a yellow jersey on. Brazil are unbeatable and untouchable" - Ghana coach Ratomir Dujkovic rages against the ref after being sent to the stands during his side's 3-0 thrasing by Brazil.
Defining Image of the World Cup: Zinedine Zidane's shockingly-violent head-butt (although, naturally, the technique was exemplary). After watching the forlorn France captain walk past the World Cup trophy, you just knew Italy would win on penalties. What a way to end a career.
Runner-Up: Cristiano Ronaldo's wink. Whatever its meaning, it perfectly captured the essence of a sneaky, cynical and mean-spirited tournament.
Description of the World Cup: 'The WAGs are anorexics addicted to shopping with hollow lobotomised heads' - Brazilian newspaper Gazeta Esportiva.
Disappointment of the World Cup: England. Five-and-a-half performances woefully incommensurate with well-justified expectations.
Runner-Up: The failure of referees to clamp down on cheating (i.e. diving) and their refusal to match an imaginary card with the real thing for their impostors.
Runner-Up to the Runner-Up: Ninety per cent of the matches in the knock-out stages. As Sven would say, "First half good, second-half not so good." Ultimately, this was a deeply unsatisfying tournament devoid of big-name performances and a team worthy of winning the sport's biggest prize.
Fatty of the World Cup:Ronaldo. All fifteen stones of him.
Runner-Up: Adriano. In fairness to Ronaldo, at least his immobility was regarded as a unexpected topic for discussion.
Finale of the World Cup: Italy's last-gasp victory over Germany. After 118 minutes of goalless action, the Azzuri produced two brilliantly-constructed goals in as many minutes to throw the hosts out of their own party.
Flop of the World Cup: Frank Lampard. 25 reasons why he should not be regarded as the second-best player in the world are now available.
Runner-Up: Ronaldinho. Did he produce anything worthy of note?
Goal of the Tournament: Argentina's 24-pass, nine-man navigation through the remnants of the Serbian defence.
Runner-Up: Fabio Grosso's 118th-minute strike against Germany. An unsaveable curler into the far corner that was still overshadowed by the simple brilliance of Andrea Pirlo's beautifully-weighted reverse pass.
Inappropriate Complaint of The Tournament: "We're going to war. You can't fight a war worrying about your wife or child. For one month, kiss them goodbye" - Bobby Robson's lament at the England players being allowed full access to their young ladies.
Inevitability of the World Cup: Germany winning a penalty shoot-out.
Runner-Up: England losing on penalties.
Individual Goal of the World Cup: The right-footed Maxi Rodriguez's stunning left-footed volley to defeat Mexico.
Runner-Up: The volley of Joe Cole, who, lest we forget is a right-footed player stuck on the left, for England against Sweden.
Irritation of the World Cup: The incessant question of 'Where do they get their energy from?'.
Runner-Up: FIFA's hitherto-unannounced rule change which stipulated that it was impossible for a footballer to commit a foul in the opening two weeks of June without earning a yellow card. Presumably, they outlawed the shoulder charge in the same meeting as well.
Least Memorable Match of the World Cup: Ukraine 0 Switzerland 0 (Ukraine win 3-0 on penalties). The worst penalty shoot-out in history to follow the worst game in World Cup history.
Runner-Up: Poland v Costa Rica. Well, can you remember what the scoreline was? Do you remember even knowing it in the first place?
Least Successful Short-Lived Appearance of the World Cup: Justo Villar. The Paraguay keeper conceded an own goal within two minutes of his World Cup debut, was stretchered off three minutes later with an ankle injury and wasn't seen again.
Man-Marker of the World Cup: Roberto Carlos. Last spotted on the edge of the 18-yard box along with half-a-dozen Brazilian colleagues while Thierry Henry rifled in France's winner from close range.
Match of the World Cup: Argentina 2 Mexico 1. Beautiful football interspersed with cracking goals as the World Cup reached its zenith.
Runner-Up: Germany 0 Italy 2. Other than Argentina-Mexico, the semi-final in Berlin was arguably the only knockout-stage match on a par with the best action from the group stage.
Misguided Nepotism of the World Cup: The decision of Serbia coach to Ilija Petkovic to give son Dusan Petkovic a surprise call-up. After a media furore, in which a former Yugoslav captain called Dusan's inclusion a "disgrace" and the front page of the country's best-selling newspaper raged against the 'nation's humiliation', a chastened Dusan returned home. "The pressure was too strong for me," he explained.
Missing Ingredient of the World Cup: The comeback. The only retort of note was achieved by Ivory Coast against Serbia in a dead rubber.
Runner-Up: The Dark Horse. Group C's billing of the Group of Death was only appropriate because it couldn't live up to its moniker. Ukraine earned plaudits for reaching the Q-Fs after losing 4-0 on their WC debut but only did so by beating Tunisia, Saudi Arabia and, on penalties, Switzerland in the worst game of the tournament.
Most Fortunate Injury of the World Cup: The loss of Kelvin Jack, after he suffered a last-minute injury on the way back to the dressing room after the warm-up session before the match with Sweden, was to prove a considerable boon for Trinidad and Tobago. Shaka Hislop received an unexpected call-up and then produced the performance of his career. That probably wasn't much of a consolation for the unfortunate Jack, of course.
Nostalgic Comparison of the Tournament: The Independent's reminder that, in 1966, the wives of the England players went on just two tournament excursions: A shopping trip to Golders Green shopping centre and a trip to the West End to watch The Black and White Minstrel Show.
Off-Field Fall-From-Grace of the World Cup: John Motson. Record numbers tuned in their digital televisions to BBC Radio Five during England matches in a bid to silence his increasingly-inane and deluded commentary.
Runner-Up: Sven-Goran Eriksson. Once linked with Real Madrid, ManYoo and Chelski, it is a measure of how rapidly his stock has collapsed in the past years that Sven is now linked with Aston Villa, Jamaica and 'a Champions League team'.
Questionable Outlay of the Tournament: The estimated £3m the BBC spent on inviting 300 of their employees to Germany. Was the presence of all of them a vital necessity?
Runner-Up: Any ticket for an England match bought from a tout. Whatever the fee, it was overpriced.
Player of the World Cup: Fabio Cannavaro. A class act in Italy's impeccable defence. Oozed authority.
Runner-Up: Well, it was going to be Zinédine Zidane...
Reincarnation of the World Cup: Dwight Yorke as a holding midfielder for Trinidad & Tobago. The former ManYoo striker made more successful tackles than any other player in the group stages of the tournament.
Sartorial Elegance of the World Cup: Dutch fans being forced to watch matches in their pants after officials deemed their trousers to advertise the wares of non-official World Cup sponsors.
Sideshow of the World Cup: The decadence of the inappropriately-nicknamed WAGS - the wives and girlfriends of the England players.
Runner-Up: The invaluable 'World Cup Deaths' blog. At the last count, the number of WC-related fatalities had topped the half-century mark.
Song of the World Cup: The England fans': 'I'd rather be a cabbage than a Swede'.
Stupidest Player of the World Cup: Alexander Frei. Booked for a handball against France that denied Swiss team-mate Djourou a clear header in front of an open goal from approximately one yard in the 92nd minute. How different France's World Cup might have been but for Frei's ridiculous stupidity.
Runner-Up: Zinédine Zidane. And how different the World Cup final may have been if Zidane didn't sully his career with that headbutt.
Tactical Innovation of the World Cup: The Saudi Arabia coach plotting his next move against the Ukraine with the aid of a miniature Subbuteo set.
Runner-Up: T&T coach Leo Beenhakker defying convention by reacting to his side being reduced to ten men against Sweden by introducing an extra forward from the bench.
Tasteful Punditry Exchange of the World Cup: Anchorman: "Craig, how will the Mexican goalkeeper approach this game, given what's happened to him this week?" Pundit Craig Forrest: "Well, his father passed away on Thursday - he'll be disappointed with that..."
Team of the World Cup: Buffon (Italy); Roberto Ayala (Argentina), Rafael Marquez (Mexico), Fabio Cannavaro (Italy), Philip Lahm (Germany); Esteban Cambiasso (Argentina), Patrick Vieira (France), Zinedine Zidane (France), Arjen Robben (Holland); Miroslav Klose (Germany), Fernando Torres (Spain).
Time-Keeping of the World Cup: "It was really difficult for us playing in that midday sun with that three o'clock kick-off" - David Beckham.
Thuggery of the World Cup: The assault of seven-year-old Hugo Clapshaw in a Glasgow park because he was wearing an England shirt.
Runner-Up: Maxi Rodriguez's kung-fu attack on a host of Germany players following Argentina's penalty shoot-out defeat.
Unnecessary Job of the World Cup: The fifth official. Permanently on stand-by to lift the scoreboard in the unlikely event of the fourth official suffering muscle cramps in both his arms.
Runner-Up: The third pundit on ITV. Did he get a word in before the adverts?
Unexpected Success Story of the World Cup: Owen Hargreaves. Booed by the England fans when he was introduced as a substitute in the Three Lions opener, the Bayern Munich finished the tournament as England's best performer. Although that's not saying a great deal.
Runner-Up: Germany, Portugal, France and Italy.
Verbal Comeback of the World Cup: "That is what losers do, they whinge and they cry." - The retort of Brazil's Carlos Alberto Parreira to the complaints of Ghana that the referee was biased.
Villain of the World Cup: Winking winger Cristiano Ronaldo. His theatrics = whether the perennial diving, his preaching to the referee or that infamous wink itself - were the embodiment of all that was wrong and sly with a tournamental all-too regularly besmirched by ugliness.
