Subject: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever
attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
Dear Diary.
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for
me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college
tennis team 45 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to
find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with
blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a
tour andshowed me the machines. She took my pulse
after five minutes
on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I
attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all
though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air --
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life
for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the
morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally
whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then,
as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f-----
barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year my
wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
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