This made me chuckle! You may have read this before, so apologies in advance.
jeremy-taylor.blogspot.com/2006/09/dear-jack-warner.html
Dear Jack Warner
I'd just like to wish you good luck in your imminent encounter with FIFA's disciplinary committee. I'm sure your many friends in FIFA will make sure that the hearing is not too traumatic or painful for you and that the outcome reflects the many wonderful contributions you have made to the cause of football.
What a horrendous time they've been giving you in recent years, Jack. There was that hearing earlier this year into an alleged conflict of interest in the alleged sale of World Cup tickets, and now this alleged affair about the supposed resale of tickets and the allegedly huge profits allegedly accruing to you and your alleged relatives. What cheek, Jack, thus to sully your reputation. I'm sure that the real truth will emerge, reflecting your control of the whole CONCACAF region with its 35 FIFA votes, and the sterling contribution it has made to maintaining stability within FIFA under the inspired leadership of your friend and confidante Sepp Blatter.
And these investigative journalists, Jack. I sympathise. All those impertinent questions about things that are supposed to be kept private and confidential. (How much do you make? How much was that deal worth? Is so-and-so your relative? All that stuff.) That fellow Andrew Solomon seems to turn up everywhere, doesn't he, even sparking off this latest scandal, I mean alleged scandal, in the London Mail this last week. What a tiresome man. And white too, as you yourself have pointed out.
Actually, I've been reading Solomon's book Foul! with astonishment, Jack. What a lot of charges he makes against you! Pages and pages of scurrilous stories about the doings of Jack Warner! I quite see that, as a powerful figure in FIFA and deputy chairman of the United National Congress in Trinidad (in the latter role you wittily sport your famous baseball cap to make clear which hat you are wearing) you need these disgraceful accusations taken away pronto. No wonder you rushed out your own autobiography, written by that sports stalwart Valentino Singh, to put the true side of the story.
After all, Solomon says you actually had bystanders impersonate absent Haitian delegates at certain FIFA elections! God forbid, Jack, what muck-raking. And that un-repaid FIFA money built the Joao Havelange Centre of Excellence near Port of Spain. Heaven forfend! And he goes digging around in your accounts, the money he says you have managed to extract from FIFA, your lifestyle, your personal relations with Blatter and his predecessor Havelange, the ancient "ticket scandal" of 1989, the concessions he says your family enjoys . . . I mean, where does he get all this stuff, Jack? Does he have a key to your office, the password to your laptop? Or are treacherous minions blabbing?
I understand from your dignified silence that you do not wish to be tarnished with these matters and give Solomon the satisfaction of a response, which after all would just set the man off on another round of embarrassing investigation. FIFA itself said about Foul! that though there were inaccuracies in it, it wasn't worth going to court over. Well! After all you've done for them, Jack! I thought they could have been a bit stronger in your defence: that's like saying, well, yes, it's all pretty much true actually, we just hope it goes away.
But since Solomon claims you're now worth ten to twenty million pounds sterling, and could be president of FIFA within a decade, I just have this nagging thought. Perhaps it's time you laid all these matters to rest, once and for all. Provide factual disproof of all these allegations. Show the world who's right. Take the man to court for libel. Don't you think so, Jack? Go on, clear your name.
