> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
> hardly speak.
>
> After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>
> The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting
> nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the
> water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip..'
>
> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
> At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
> drink.
>
> He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>
> Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
> following note on the door:
> 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
> 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
> 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
> 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
> 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
> 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
> 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
> Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
>
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of
> him.
> 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
> donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
> 10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
> 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,
> 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not
> say 'Eat me'.
> 12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the
> Cherry'..
> 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:
> Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
> 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
> Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
>
>
