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Offline capodetutticapi

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Man Stories
« on: August 18, 2009, 08:49:10 AM »
1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a Shit".

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2009, 09:13:41 AM »
Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention .
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2009, 09:20:34 AM »
Old

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.


MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline dwolfman

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2009, 01:18:24 PM »
1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a Shit".

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

 :rotfl:

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2009, 07:31:33 PM »
Q: What is the definition of trust?

A: Letting a cannibal give you a blow job.
soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline fishs

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2009, 08:02:38 AM »


  Old  Farts football
>
If  you don't laugh at this one,  then you 've got a  terrible sense of humor!!!!!!!!
>
>
Old  Fart Football
>
> An  old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old  man passes
> gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
>
> His  wife rolls over and says, 'What in the
> world was  that?'
> The old man  replied, 'It's fart football.'
>
> A few  minutes later his wife lets one go and
> says
> 'Touchdown,  tie score.'
>
> After  about five minutes the old man lets
> another one  go and says,
> 'Aha. I'm  ahead 14 to 7.'
>
> Not  to be outdone the wife rips out another
> one and  says,
> 'Touchdown,  tie score.'
>
> Five  seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and  says,
> 'Field goal,  I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
>
> He  refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real  hard.
> Since defeat  is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's  got,
> and  accidentally shits in the bed.
>
> The wife  says, 'What the hell was that?'
>
> The  old man says, 'Half time, switch  sides.
Ah want de woman on de bass

Offline weary1969

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2009, 01:45:04 PM »
Old

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.


MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???



 :rotfl:
Today you're the dog, tomorrow you're the hydrant - so be good to others - it comes back!"

Offline Themanfriday

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2009, 02:22:09 PM »


  Old  Farts football
>
If  you don't laugh at this one,  then you 've got a  terrible sense of humor!!!!!!!!
>
>
Old  Fart Football
>
> An  old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old  man passes
> gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
>
> His  wife rolls over and says, 'What in the
> world was  that?'
> The old man  replied, 'It's fart football.'
>
> A few  minutes later his wife lets one go and
> says
> 'Touchdown,  tie score.'
>
> After  about five minutes the old man lets
> another one  go and says,
> 'Aha. I'm  ahead 14 to 7.'
>
> Not  to be outdone the wife rips out another
> one and  says,
> 'Touchdown,  tie score.'
>
> Five  seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and  says,
> 'Field goal,  I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
>
> He  refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real  hard.
> Since defeat  is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's  got,
> and  accidentally shits in the bed.
>
> The wife  says, 'What the hell was that?'
>
> The  old man says, 'Half time, switch  sides.


 :rotfl: :rotfl:
Born in SanDo
Raised in Marabella and Gasparillo
Lived in Philly
Join the US Army
Moved to Oklahoma
Deployed to Bosnia
Stayed in Hungary
Retired In Germany
Was at the WC
Cheering for Latapy
Deployed to Kosovo
Y? I don't know
Moved back to America
To live in Virginia
Retired age 44
This is my life

Offline ZANDOLIE

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2009, 04:00:52 PM »
Q: What is the definition of trust?

A: Letting a cannibal give you a blow job.
Nice Capo  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Sacred cows make the best hamburger

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2009, 09:58:50 AM »
Confusion
Whats the defintion of confusion?


20 blind lesbians at a fish market.
 
soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline Mr Fix-it

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #10 on: September 03, 2009, 04:04:09 PM »
Confusion
Whats the defintion of confusion?


20 blind lesbians at a fish market.
 


Oh gosh my heart :devil: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
"If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2009, 01:23:36 PM »
Q: what do girls and airplanes have in common.

A: they both have cockpits.
soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline Observer

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2009, 10:48:03 AM »
Q What is the difference between a cock and a prostitute

A A cock goes "cockadoodle doooo" and a prostitute goes "any cock will do"
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead
                                              Thomas Paine

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2009, 08:13:56 PM »
Female Hormones
  "Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive..."
soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #14 on: September 09, 2009, 08:16:04 PM »
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
  Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
.... with Beer
soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline weary1969

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #15 on: September 10, 2009, 11:53:11 AM »
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
  Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
.... with Beer


No need 4 d beer.
Today you're the dog, tomorrow you're the hydrant - so be good to others - it comes back!"

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #16 on: September 10, 2009, 12:56:54 PM »
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
  Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
.... with Beer


No need 4 d beer.
someting to wash yuh wood with b4 yuh head back home.
soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline weary1969

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #17 on: September 10, 2009, 03:41:32 PM »
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
  Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
.... with Beer


No need 4 d beer.
someting to wash yuh wood with b4 yuh head back home.

Thxs but I have nuff stops b4 I reach home so it eh go wuk.
Today you're the dog, tomorrow you're the hydrant - so be good to others - it comes back!"

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #18 on: September 11, 2009, 11:50:21 AM »
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Dont even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you dont bark.


soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline pecan

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #19 on: September 11, 2009, 02:01:35 PM »
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
  Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
.... with Beer


No need 4 d beer.

depends on what she look like ... de man might need a few beers ...
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Offline WestCoast

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #20 on: September 11, 2009, 05:06:56 PM »
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Dont even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you dont bark.
I just know I shouldnt but
 :rotfl: :rotfl:
easy Zando ;D
Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; do it thoroughly, not superficially. Go to the bottom of things. Any thing half done, or half known, is in my mind, neither done nor known at all. Nay, worse, for it often misleads.
Lord Chesterfield
(1694 - 1773)

Offline weary1969

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #21 on: September 11, 2009, 06:24:46 PM »
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
  Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
.... with Beer


No need 4 d beer.

depends on what she look like ... de man might need a few beers ...

Quotin Niki Crosby yeah right
Today you're the dog, tomorrow you're the hydrant - so be good to others - it comes back!"

Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #22 on: September 13, 2009, 01:43:23 PM »
allyuh know de sayin...after 2 am and ah bottle ah rum,everybody beautiful.
soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline pecan

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #23 on: September 13, 2009, 03:05:59 PM »
allyuh know de sayin...after 2 am and ah bottle ah rum,everybody beautiful.

in troot
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Offline ZANDOLIE

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #24 on: September 13, 2009, 11:20:02 PM »
Whats the perfect christmas gift for a lesbian?

A Great Dane....and a big jar of peanut butter
Sacred cows make the best hamburger

Offline Observer

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #25 on: September 14, 2009, 01:22:42 PM »
Ah little boy see he mother naked and ask she
"mommy what is that" Pointing to her vagina.
The mother say "dat is where daddy hit meh with an axe
Little boy say "good shot right in the c*#T"
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead
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Offline capodetutticapi

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #26 on: October 19, 2009, 10:10:26 PM »
Question: What do a 9v battery and a woman's asshole have in common?

Answer: You know it's wrong but sooner or later you're going to touch it with your tongue.
soon ah go b ah lean mean bulling machine.

Offline supporter

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #27 on: October 27, 2009, 09:57:55 AM »
Question: What do a 9v battery and a woman's asshole have in common?

Answer: You know it's wrong but sooner or later you're going to touch it with your tongue.


 :salute:
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Offline Mr Fix-it

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #28 on: October 27, 2009, 09:34:34 PM »
Question: What do a 9v battery and a woman's asshole have in common?

Answer: You know it's wrong but sooner or later you're going to touch it with your tongue.


 :salute:

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Offline fishs

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Re: Man Stories
« Reply #29 on: November 02, 2009, 07:29:47 AM »


   A construction worker on the 3rd  floor of a building needs a handsaw and spots a Jamaican man on the 1st  floor.

 He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible
 to  hear anything, so he tries sign language.

 He points at his eye meaning  "I", points at his knee
 meaning"need", and moves his hand back and forth in  a   handsaw motion.

The Jamaican man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls  down
 his pants and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor  gets so angry he runs down to the
1st floor and shouts, "What the hell is  wrong with you, idiot?
I said I needed a handsaw!"

The Jamaican guy  says, "Mih know dat, mih jus trying to
tell yuh Iman coming."
Ah want de woman on de bass

 

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