How to hang Jack
By Kevin Baldeosingh
Story Created: Jul 16, 2010 at 1:45 AM ECT
Story Updated: Jul 17, 2010 at 2:35 AM ECT
"I am convinced that, were we to reinstitute hangings, which is the law of the land, it will have a dent on crime. I am convinced." — Acting Prime Minister Jack Warner two Wednesdays ago.
Mr Warner didn't present any evidence for his conviction, but that is understandable: the last thing Jack Warner wants is evidence that leads to conviction. I, on the other hand, am all about evidence, which is probably why I'm not a politician, religious leader or talkshow host. Since death penalty supporters can never offer any solid basis for their position, refuting them is about as challenging as getting Health Minister Therese Baptiste-Cornelis to make surprise visits in front of TV cameras. I do like a good debate, though, so I have decided to offer guidance for persons who are pro-hanging on how to make their case.
Avoid consistency: An effective tactic is to declare that "Hanging is the law of the land!" as though all laws are absolute, then say that the Privy Council should be removed so murderers can be hanged, even though this would require changing the law of the land. However, you can pretend that the law is immutable by making this argument in the right manner. You must use a trenchant tone of utmost conviction. You can achieve this by pulling in your diaphragm very tightly, but only if you're not a fat man who's eaten curry chataigne within the past 30 minutes. You should also adopt a righteous expression, which looks the same as the expression people get when near a fat man who's pulled in his diaphragm tightly after eating curry chataigne.
Avoid facts: Attorney Martin George, newly appointed member of the Police Service Commission and former board member of CrimeStoppers, recently argued that "the resumption of hangings may very well have the same effect on reduction of crime which it did when there was the execution of Dole Chadee and his gang some years ago." The date that George couldn't be bothered to check was June 1999, and in that year the total number of murders was 93. The following year, the murder figure jumped to 120. But maybe George, as a lawyer, doesn't consider murder to be a significant crime, since murderers are usually poor and murder victims usually don't sign cheques.
Avoid principle: If you are a religious believer, you should support execution but oppose abortion on the grounds that life is sacred. Make sure to warm up for 20 minutes before attempting this, in case the moral contortion causes you to pull a muscle. Catholics are at particular risk, since they often arrange marches against abortion but never make even one lap around the Queen's Park Savannah to protest capital punishment. It is always useful to quote the Bible, such as Genesis 9:6 which says, "Whose sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed''. But avoid references to Leviticus, which also prescribes death for adultery, disrespecting your parents, and blasphemy, since you may have to hang yourself.
Avoid humility: You are an upstanding, law-abiding, virtuous person, and not bad-looking either. Moreover, you have chosen to be all these things, which is why you pay so much for haircuts. Even if you had grown up in a community where violence is common, or where the only way for a young man without skills to earn money is through drug-dealing or robbery or murder, you would never have turned to crime because you know the difference between right and wrong and elegantly casual. Even if you had problems in school seeing the blackboard or hearing the teacher, you would still have passed all your exams because you would have studied hard, and the only reason you didn't get more than O-Levels is because common sense better than book sense. Point is, you would never kill another human being because you are not bloodthirsty like them murderers, but you will gladly volunteer to pull the lever to pop their necks.
Avoid logic: Although it is important to appear logical when supporting hanging, it is even more important to not actually be so. For example, you can say that a person who murders another person deserves to executed. But if one of those bleeding-heart liberals says that, since the legal system is imperfect, innocent persons may be hanged, then logic would make you say that it is better that a few innocent people be executed than several murderers continue to live. It is not advisable to hold this position if you're poor, black, male and young.
Avoid me: Like most human beings, I prefer to hang out with persons I have something in common with and, once you tell me you support capital punishment, it proves that you have neither knowledge, ethics, nor naturally curly hair.