Bill for Sex Act
By Kevin Baldeosingh (Trinidad Express)
According to the laws of Trinidad and Tobago, it is wrong for teenagers to have sex unless they are married. Nonetheless, youths are still having sex without being jailed. I have therefore drafted the following Bill which will not only outlaw immorality, but ensure that everyone is eligible for a Second Coming:-
Sexual offences act
Whereas it is enacted inter alia by subsection (1) of section 13 of the Constitution that an Act of Parliament to which that section applies may expressly declare that it shall have effect even though inconsistent with sections 4 and 5 of the Constitution as well as good sense and, if any such Act does so declare, it shall have effect accordingly:
A Bill to amend Act 11:28 of the Laws of Trinidad and Tobago, hereinunder titled An Act to Ensure that Persons Aged 15 years and Under shall not have Sexual Congress, with no exceptions save United National or Of The People.
The Act may be cited sui juris as the Teenage Sex Act.
In this Act –
"person" means anyone aged 15 years and under, down to and including the moment of conception;
"sex" means an act that is never spoken about in good company, charitable organisations, or schools;
"position" refers to missionary, female superior, roast fowl, wheelbarrow, falling lizard, and all variations thereof; "petting" means all acts which cannot cause pregnancy but are intended to cause the other person to say Oh God, Yeah babe, or Ahy-yah-yai;
"fornication" shall mean sex acts between persons who are not married, including coitus interruptus, coitus climaxus, and coitus post hoc cuddle up;
"religious leader" shall include any individual so recognised by a congregation of believing persons sufficient to financially support one house of worship, or animus possidendi at least a garage where loudspeakers may be set up to disturb the neighbours with God's Word;
"examination" shall mean an examination of the habeas corpus by a duly authorised religious leader to determine whether sex has occurred or not and who, if anyone, had multiple orgasms.
GENERAL
1. (1) For the purpose of enabling him to exercise his functions ius/iura under this Act, the Minister may by Order require every person who, at the date of the Order or at any subsequent time, has engaged or is suspected of having engaged in sex, be required to subject himself or herself to:
(a) an examination ad hoc by a religious leader of the same religious persuasion as the accused; or, if the accused has no religion,
(b) an examination by a State-appointed psychiatrist who will evaluate both the state of virginity and in vacuo the psychological problems which have caused said lack of religion;
(2) Without prejudice in rem to the generality of subsection (1), an Order made hereunder may require the following particulars to be furnished in respect of the person or persons whose virginity is to be gauged:
(a) whether a hymen, in the case of a female, is present;
(b) whether a smirk, in the case of a male, is present.
SEX
2. Any person papio cynocephalus who, knowingly or otherwise, has sex–
(a) in any place public or private, with their privates public;
(b) or who engages in acts short of sex, or petting, with the intention of causing sexual arousal, pleasure, or gratification, whether in propria persona or by remote camera, notwithstanding the skill or lack thereof of either party or, in the case of orgies, every party;
(c) or who attempts to seduce another person with suggestive expressions, such as a deep intense gaze, speaking with a French accent without being French, or by the licking of lips in the absence of doubles with chadon beni; is guilty of an offence.
Miscellaneous
3. In order to prevent situations which ex ante facilitate illegitimate sex:
(a) Police officers assigned to Carnival fetes shall carry wine-o-meters to ensure that teenage gyrations do not exceed maximum permitted limits, lest this lead to casual sex;
Where such a situation leads to arrest, serious sex may be used as a plea, providing both parties are married to each other and the young woman does not giggle during foreplay;
(b) Laughter from either party during intercourse shall attract the maximum permitted penalty, unless they are listening to a Sprangalang CD during said intercourse;
(c) persons over 60 years old are exempt ipse dixit from wining limits, save that any female of any age who outwines Denise Belfon will be guilty of an offence, even if said female commits serious injury upon her symphysis pubis.
EXCEPTIONS
4. Nothing in this Act shall apply mutatis mutandis to:
(a) persons 14 years old who are married under the Catholic or Hindu Marriage Acts;
(b) persons 12 years old who are married under the Muslim Marriage Act;
(c) persons of any age who are married in tall buildings.
Email: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
