http://www.trinidadexpress.com/commentaries/Emergency_explanation-128972553.htmlEmergency explanation
Story Created: Sep 1, 2011 at 11:35 PM ECT
Story Updated: Sep 1, 2011 at 11:35 PM ECT
Today the Government is supposed to reveal the reason behind the State of Emergency. Yet, although I am also a creative writer, neither Prime Minister Kamla Persad-Bissessar, Attorney General Anand Ramlogan , nor National Security Minister John Sandy has called on me to help them prepare their statements. Maybe V.S. Naipaul got the contract, or maybe they think their stories have created suspension of disbelief among the citizens of Trinidad and Tobago. Nonetheless, I have created my own scenarios to explain the events of the past 12 days, which I am sure are at least as accurate as anything we'll hear in Parliament.
August 16 – Dengue fever strikes Kamla. Attorney General Anand Ramlogan orders an immediate investigation into sub-standard mosquito nets ordered by a PNM contractor, while Justice Minister Herbert Volney starts swatting mosquitoes on sight. Education Minister Dr Tim Gopeesingh announces that Kamla's dengue is of the classic kind War and Peace or Huckleberry Finn or Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
August 19 – Dengue cases continue to rise, despite the majority of T&T's doctors being UNC. When seven persons are killed in one day, Kamla becomes even more feverish and orders National Security Minister John Sandy to track down the guilty mosquitoes.
August 20 – Members of the Cabinet cabal are summoned to the PM's home, where she announces that she wants to create an emergency plan to fight dengue. "If I can get it, anyone can," she said, according to sources. Dr Gopeesingh informs her that, actually, it's Indians who are most susceptible to the virus while Africans are almost immune. It is at this point that Kamla decides to declare a national State of Emergency. "If Indians die or are too sick to leave their homes, then the Partnership could lose the next election, which would endanger public safety," she argued, citing Section 8, sub-section 2, part (c) of the Constitution, which lists "infectious diseases" as a ground for an SoE. Told by Dr Gopeesingh that she was not infectious, she snapped, "Of course I am!" She then burst into laughter, and Volney, Surujrattan Rambachan, and Gary Griffith immediately started laughing too, with Rambachan getting a .03-second headstart. "See?" said Kamla.
August 21 – Kamla makes her proclamation, using the phrase "limited State of Emergency" three times in her address to the nation. Standing behind her, Anand fidgets throughout the speech, but sources were unable to confirm whether this was because he was aghast at Kamla's error, itching to start arresting young black men, or because his jockey shorts were riding up. Beside him, by contrast, CoP leader Prakash Ramadhar stood as still as Rodin's less-famous statue, The Moron.
August 22 – President George Maxwell Richards proclaims the SoE, having satisfied himself that most of the major Carnival band launches had already taken place.
August 23 – TV6's Dominic Kalipersad interviews the Attorney General and, depending on whether you're a UNC or not, Dominic either reveals Anand to be arrogantly disingenuous or reveals himself to be an enemy of the State.
August 24 – Hoping to capitalise on Kamla's illness, Communications Minister Rambachan orders the PM's residence to be bugged, not realising that such bugs aren't the kind which carry disease.
August 25 – Having finally read the Constitution and realised that seven killings can't legally justify an SoE, AG Ramlogan announces that an "immediate threat and endangerment of public safety" was averted by it. He does not specify what this threat was, citing national security, but expects citizens to believe him because he looks so macho with his shirt collar unbuttoned.
August 26 – Two gang leaders are arrested at the Hyatt Hotel, and found to be harbouring mosquitoes while paying only for double occupancy. Also, 30 men, ranging in ages from 19 to 63, are charged with being in a gang under the Anti-Gang legislation and possession of Viagra without an erection.
August 27 – AG Ramlogan announces that men are being offered $10,000 by gang leaders to take licks. This is ten times more than a dominatrix makes, proving that the SoE has not affected the criminal economy.
August 28 – Anand threatens a 14-year-old girl with jail for pretending to be a PNM-till-Ah-dead granny in a YouTube video. "It is a matter of grave concern," he says. When contacted, however, both Belgrove's and the caretaker at Lapeyrouse Cemetery deny being at all worried.
August 29 – Police and army clean out scrap iron yards, displacing several hundred mosquitoes. Kamla writes a speech boasting that, since the SoE was started, there hasn't been one death from dengue, but doesn't deliver it because she keeps pronouncing "mosquitoes" as "misquotes".August 30 – Health Minister Fuad Khan confirms that dengue is under control, because mosquitoes aren't venturing out during the curfew.
August 31 – Pastor Winston Cuffie is given the Chaconia Medal (gold), proving that the Government is hoping for a miracle, a large campaign contribution, and bogus PhDs for selected MPs.
Email: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
