Sandy road to success
By Kevin Baldeosingh (T&T Express)
Do you feel like a failure? Does your boss pass you over for promotions, do your co-workers give you wedgies, do pothounds take you for a fire hydrant? Well, you can stop worrying today, and be an unqualified success by tomorrow! That's right — you won't even have to get qualifications! How can this be? Simple. With the Sandy Hegemonic and Omnipotent Totalitarian Strategy, you too can supervise a State of Emergency, teach wayward youths to wear pants that fit, and eat all the shrimp you can eat!
Mr John Sandy, as everybody knows, is this nation's most successful soldier. (If you don't know this, you are a nobody.) While not as handsome as Mr Captain Gary Griffith, Mr Sandy was never mistaken for the horse he was riding. A master of hand-to-hand combat and macramé, Sandy rose to the rank of brigadier, which qualified him to wear ribbons without looking womanly. After serving his nation for 30 years with a cherry on top, Mr Sandy became the Minister of National Security and Stoicism, hence for the first time getting the title "Honourable", which he had never used before (nor needed to).
As National Security Minister, Mr Sandy faced several challenges. He had to reduce homicides, stem the transhipment of illegal drugs, and stay awake in Parliament. Like a true soldier and patriot, he faced these issues manfully, and was never accused of snoring. Even when confronted with the appointment of Ms Reshmi Ramnarine to head the Strategic Services Agency (SSA), Mr Sandy successfully negotiated that debacle by utilising the tried-and-true military strategy of refusing to talk when surrounded by enemy journalists.
Emerging unscathed from that battle, even if slightly tarnished, Mr Sandy was well-prepared for the major war of the State of Emergency which, as an experienced soldier, he knew was an excellent strategy to cow criminals, cure drug addiction and help erections. And it is from his successful prosecution of that exercise that you, too, can learn the principles which lead to complete and total success!
Mr Sandy has revealed a few of these techniques, but mastering them would require you to take his full course, which can be completed in less time than it takes to suspend a school principal who disobeys dharma. For example, when questioned as to whether the Government had failed in the three-month-long SoE, Mr Sandy responded: "Fail? This Government doesn't know the meaning of the word." So simple, yet so powerful!
In order to be successful, you mustn't know the meaning of "fail". So, contrary to popular belief, illiteracy can actually help you to succeed! Leading examples include Pastor Cuffie whose bogus PhD helped him get a real gold Chaconia Medal, and Crime Watch host Ian Alleyne whose rape tapes of a 13-year-old girl didn't get him fired, arrested, or a colonoscopy. Illiteracy works!
However, this isn't the only measure by which you measure success, which is another important principle of Mr Sandy's programme of Life Initiatives for Excellent Success. He has described the SoE as a "resounding success", but how did he measure it? Revealing his benchmark in Parliament, Mr Sandy said, "If just one life was saved, the SoE would have been a success." Pure brilliance! Here is a principle which can be applied, not just to SoEs, but to virtually all careers.
If you choose to become a doctor, you can save one life and be a resounding success, whether your other patients get better or not!
If you choose to be a lawyer, you can get one client off and be a resounding success, whether your other clients go to jail or not!
If you choose to be a garbage collector, you can collect one bag of rubbish and be a resounding success, even if all the other bags remain to feed corbeaux!
To understand success in this way requires you to think outside the box, don't go round in circles, and not imitate a tetrahedron. People who want you to fail want you to think that success is hard, whereas the Sandy Applied Policy for Success shows that success is easier than a skettel who needs a new pair of gold-coloured sandals. That is because true success, apart from being unqualified, doesn't need to be proved.
Mr Sandy proved this when he told the Parliament that there was enough intelligence to arrest 16 assassination plotters, but not enough evidence to charge them. In other words, success comes from believing something to be true even when you can't prove it is true, which is why Mr Sandy says all success should be attributed to God, who also fits this definition.
In order to get his full and complete course, send your cheque or money order to the Sandy Tertiary University Programme of Intelligence Directives. Order now and you pay the special introductory price of $39.95 plus two testicles.
