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Author Topic: 10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Parts  (Read 1147 times)

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Offline weary1969

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10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Parts
« on: October 08, 2013, 11:05:42 AM »
Anna Luther
Anna Luther is the mom behind the blog, My Life and Kids, where she strives to make you feel better about your messy, crazy, fabulous life. Find her on Facebook, on Pinterest and Twitter @LifeandKidsBlog.

Having three kids has done a number on my body and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten

1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that hes trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

 

2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And dont even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

 

3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like Ive been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if Im not in bed by 11 pm because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

 

4. My Stomach. I really dont know why its called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess thats a good thing.

 

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up and I would have cared about getting it right.

 

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

 

7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMDd this issue countless times but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I dont want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

 

8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because Id have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

 

9. My Perineum. I didnt even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently I have a SHORT perineum which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth resulting in a giant vasshole.  And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts - trust me.

 

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule 10 am every single morning just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when Im out in public with all three kids.

Today you're the dog, tomorrow you're the hydrant - so be good to others - it comes back!"

Offline Dutty

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Re: 10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Parts
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2013, 02:18:09 PM »
 :P yeahhh I would put she and she elephant in de TMI files
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Offline weary1969

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Re: 10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Parts
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2013, 04:39:59 PM »
:P yeahhh I would put she and she elephant in de TMI files

 :rotfl:
Today you're the dog, tomorrow you're the hydrant - so be good to others - it comes back!"

 

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