91
Football / Shock news from the English Premier 'Chelsea sign Henry'
« on: March 01, 2006, 04:35:56 PM »
May 18, 2024, 04:03:05 AM
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92
Jokes / The latest shite joke from England
« on: February 27, 2006, 05:32:58 PM »
A man was playing darts in the pub. The first dart landed in the treble twenty, the second dart landed in the single twenty and the third dart hit the wire, bounced off and went through the window where it hit a nun, who just happened to be walking past, in the head and killed her. The man who was marking shouted 'One nun dead and eeeeeiiiiiiiighty'
93
Jokes / Two little questions
« on: February 21, 2006, 05:01:40 PM »
Q. What does Bygamy Mean?
A. One wife too many.
Q. What does monogamy mean?
A. The same thing.
A. One wife too many.
Q. What does monogamy mean?
A. The same thing.
94
Jokes / Nice one from onevalefan
« on: February 18, 2006, 01:00:35 PM »
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence - -
HUSBAND:
Oh f**k
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence - -
HUSBAND:
Oh f**k
95
Jokes / Halloween Party
« on: February 08, 2006, 12:56:46 AM »
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life
96
Jokes / Big people words
« on: January 25, 2006, 04:07:39 PM »
A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to
the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done."I took a ride on a choo-choo," Mitchell says proudly.She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied."That's wonderful, Johnny. What book did you read?"
Johnny thought real hard, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,
"Winnie the Shit."
the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done."I took a ride on a choo-choo," Mitchell says proudly.She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied."That's wonderful, Johnny. What book did you read?"
Johnny thought real hard, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,
"Winnie the Shit."
97
Jokes / Escaped Convict
« on: January 23, 2006, 11:25:22 AM »Escaped convict breaks into a bedroom, then ties up the husband and wife on the bed.
Then he jumps on top of the wife,kisses her ear and goes to the bathroom.
The Husband tells the wife "satisfy him love or he will kill us,i seen the way he kissed your ear,be strong my dear i love you"
The Wife replied "He didn't kiss me, he whispersd in my ear that he is gay and wants some vaseline, I told him its in the bathroom. Be strong my dear i love you too"
98
Jokes / Some little joke for you.
« on: January 21, 2006, 03:05:15 PM »
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Please accept my apologies for the above
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Please accept my apologies for the above
99
Jokes / Council Job
« on: January 21, 2006, 02:40:27 PM »
A guy goes to the local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes" he says. "I was in the Lebanon for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points towards employment" and then asks, " Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%.....a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "Ok you're hired. The hours are from 8.00am to4 .00pm. You can start tomorrow, come in at 10.00am."
The guy is puzzled and asks "If the hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm then why do you want me to come in at 10.00am"
The interviewer replies "This is a council job, for the first 2 hours we sit around scratching our balls, there's no point you coming in for that".
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes" he says. "I was in the Lebanon for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points towards employment" and then asks, " Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%.....a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "Ok you're hired. The hours are from 8.00am to4 .00pm. You can start tomorrow, come in at 10.00am."
The guy is puzzled and asks "If the hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm then why do you want me to come in at 10.00am"
The interviewer replies "This is a council job, for the first 2 hours we sit around scratching our balls, there's no point you coming in for that".
100
Jokes / Bohemian Rhapsody (Indian Version)
« on: January 21, 2006, 07:17:32 AM »
You've all heard of the British Rock Group 'Queen' This is a different version of their most famous song.
'INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY'
Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back from the loo
this time tomorrow Curry on, curry on Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dupiazza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory Stand you well back 'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby Just had to come out It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dupizza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
'INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY'
Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back from the loo
this time tomorrow Curry on, curry on Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dupiazza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory Stand you well back 'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby Just had to come out It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dupizza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
102
Jokes / BLind man in a restaurant
« on: January 19, 2006, 03:10:56 PM »
A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner,
walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells
his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind man eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in
hes going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your
panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies and hands
her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork
ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I
didn't know Gladys worked here!"
walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells
his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind man eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in
hes going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your
panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies and hands
her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork
ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I
didn't know Gladys worked here!"
103
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these,
Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of
that in health class at school." He looks over the display and
picks up a package of 3 and asks,"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who
are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these,
Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of
that in health class at school." He looks over the display and
picks up a package of 3 and asks,"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who
are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
104
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
105
106
Jokes / Say this fast
« on: January 14, 2006, 03:39:56 PM »
I'm not a pheasant plucker
I'm a pheasant plucker's mate
I'm only plucking pheasants
'cos the pheasant plucker's late.
It is best to say it when you've had a few pints.
I'm a pheasant plucker's mate
I'm only plucking pheasants
'cos the pheasant plucker's late.
It is best to say it when you've had a few pints.
107
Jokes / Here's the Legendary Little Johnny again
« on: January 13, 2006, 03:27:09 PM »
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out of the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your bedroom last night and I heard you telling me mam you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be f*cked if I'm staying here by mesen with a
£280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
£280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
108
Football / The first world cup competition
« on: January 07, 2006, 12:25:22 PM »
This is a brief story of West Aukland FC, a non league side made up mainly of tough miners from a pit village who took on the might of Europe to lift the Sir Thomas Lipton trophy, not once but twice. I can remember watching the film on TV and one scene when the team arrived in Italy, they were met by thousands of italians who thought they were Arsenal. Well the initials were the same as Arsenal used to be called Woolwich Arsenal. Instead, West Auckland were an unknown bunch of amatuers. Read on and I hope it gives inspiration to the Soca Warriors, that anything can happen in football, all you need is self belief. http://www.fortunecity.com/meltingpot/congress/9/worldcup.htm
109
Port Vale through to round 4 in the FA Cup following a 2-1 win against Doncaster Rovers. Â Unable to go due to work commitments (why oh why was it played on a friday night) Â Me Mum Birchall was a guest commentator on the local radio and he says he is lokking forward to joining up with the rest of the Trini squad towards the end of the season.
110
Football / Happy New Year
« on: December 31, 2005, 08:39:53 PM »
I hope you Trinis have a great and memorable new year and sucessful world cup campaign. You deserve it. Go Trinis go. All our love Port Vale Football Club.
111
Jokes / England Fans in rehearsals
« on: December 31, 2005, 06:09:16 AM »
http://www2.b3ta.com/mong/ Watch out Trinis, England fans are on their way will we outsing you lot?Â
will we outsing you lot?Â
113
Jokes / George Bush again
« on: December 26, 2005, 04:35:34 PM »
President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meaning. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, Johnny, who lives on a farm, were playing in the field and a tractor ran him over and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"That's right!" exclaimed Bush. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, Johnny, who lives on a farm, were playing in the field and a tractor ran him over and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"That's right!" exclaimed Bush. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
114
Jokes / Think about it
« on: December 26, 2005, 04:30:42 PM »
George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
116
Jokes / Top tips from england
« on: December 23, 2005, 05:22:13 PM »
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to clean the house after you've been banged.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
John Wayne. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman
Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
OLD people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
LADIES When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like shit. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to clean the house after you've been banged.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
John Wayne. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman
Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
OLD people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
LADIES When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like shit. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
117
Jokes / Try this on your mates
« on: December 23, 2005, 01:59:17 PM »
Pretend you have a pack of cards in your hands and fan them out, then ask your mate to pick one. Of course there aren't any cards there so your mate will look a bit foolish. Ask him to look at it then ask him if it reminds him or her of their first sexual experience. Hopefully they will say not. Ask them to return the non existant card to the non existant pack, then fan them out again repeating the process. Again ask them if it reminds them of their first sexual experience. Again they should say no. Give them the pack of cards and ask them to shuffle them. As they shuffle them ask them if that reminds them of their first sexual experience.
118
Jokes / This actually happend
« on: December 23, 2005, 01:51:57 PM »
Every year schools in the uk do the christmas nativity play where young children dress up as Mary Joseph wise men shepherds Angels and they have a baby doll representing baby jesus. Half way through the play the wise men entered the stage baring gifts of GOld Myrhh and frankinsense. The First wise men said I am the from the east and I bare this gift of gold. The second one went up to Mary and said I am from the south and I bare this gift of myrrh. The third one went up to Mary and said I am from the North and Frank sent this. Only from the mouth of babes.
What puzzles me is, if jesus was given gold, how come they were poor all their lives.
In another nativity play at another school, when they picked up the baby Jesus, it said in a strong american accent, 'Hi my name is Amy, are you my mommy, my diapers need changing'
What puzzles me is, if jesus was given gold, how come they were poor all their lives.
In another nativity play at another school, when they picked up the baby Jesus, it said in a strong american accent, 'Hi my name is Amy, are you my mommy, my diapers need changing'
119
Jokes / Themanfriday, another old joke 4 u
« on: December 19, 2005, 12:13:43 PM »
A man loved birds, he had hundreds of books and DVDs about them and pictures and ornaments, everythings from Eagles to Blue Tits. SO one day his wife decides that she was going to give him a special treat for his birthday, she decided that she was going to have a small bird tattood on each arse cheek so that when he's taking her from behind, not only will he be turned on by her sexy rear but also turned on by the tattoos of the birds.
She went to the tattoo parlour and told the tattooist what she wanted.
"I can't tattoo birds, I can only do bees" he said. The woman who had plucked up courage for the past couple of weeks and still nervous was determined to have the tattoos and she remembered that her husband was also interested in insects so she agreed.
That night, after a meal to celebrate her husbands birthday, she told him to sit down because she had a sexy present for him, she then turned around and slowly lifted up her short skirt then slowly slipped of her knickers then bent down.
"do you like what you see" she asked
"Er yes" He answered " But who the f*ck is BoB?"
She went to the tattoo parlour and told the tattooist what she wanted.
"I can't tattoo birds, I can only do bees" he said. The woman who had plucked up courage for the past couple of weeks and still nervous was determined to have the tattoos and she remembered that her husband was also interested in insects so she agreed.
That night, after a meal to celebrate her husbands birthday, she told him to sit down because she had a sexy present for him, she then turned around and slowly lifted up her short skirt then slowly slipped of her knickers then bent down.
"do you like what you see" she asked
"Er yes" He answered " But who the f*ck is BoB?"
120
Jokes / Superman joke
« on: December 18, 2005, 06:44:14 PM »
Superman was flying over the skyscapers of New York when he looks down and sees superwoman lying down on top of one of the buildings. So he thinks to himself 'I'm so fast that I can fly down to her, give her a good shagging and fly off again in a split second' So this is what he does........
A second or so later Superwoman shouts 'what was that?' and the invisible man screams 'F*ck knows, but me arse hurts'
A second or so later Superwoman shouts 'what was that?' and the invisible man screams 'F*ck knows, but me arse hurts'